LastResort
Member
- Oct 1, 2020
- 7
I just need to vent a bit, feel free to ignore it.
I've gotten to a point where I think suicide is the way to go. I've tried for so long and I'm so tired, I kept telling my therapist that I wasn't doing well and she tried to help me. A few weeks ago we tried to get me into an outpatient program, I would see them in a month or so but it is getting delayed again. Every time I try to reach out for help, I get shut down. I think I'm done with fighting this, with trying and with just living in general.
It isn't getting any better, I've fought for so long but nothing is helping. I've talked with my partner about being scared, about the fear of not getting better anymore after struggeling for so long and he is fearing the same. He is also fears that I won't get better and he is losing hope. Why would I keep hope when he is losing/lost it? I've quit school for the second time, because I'm too tired and I can't handle the pressure. The only thing I can do in life is fail, over and over again. I wan't it to stop, I want the pain to stop and it comforts me that I'm not alone in this fight. That there are other people out here that are also tired of fighting, right?
Ending my life won't be easy due to my extreme fear of vommiting (actually, it is a phobia that I have). I have thought about ways before, ofcourse. I would want to bleed out under the shower, by cutting my wrists or throat. The thing stopping me from actually doing this is the change of failing. I have meds in my cabinet to stop me from feeling sick/vomitting. I got them from my mom, she has them on preprescription and gave them to be for my phobia. A little while ago I took an overdose and I still felt so fucking sick, I almost threw up in the hospital. Bleeding out seems like the better option and I know it it possible, I got tested for my blood levels a little while ago since I also self harm on a regular base (at least once every 10 days, with stiches needed). My HB levels are still ok, but not the best. It was at a 7.6 at that moment. Maybe I should do it in 2 sessions, first self harm to loose as much blood as possible and then after a few hours/day I will make the cut(s) to end my life.
I've gotten to a point where I think suicide is the way to go. I've tried for so long and I'm so tired, I kept telling my therapist that I wasn't doing well and she tried to help me. A few weeks ago we tried to get me into an outpatient program, I would see them in a month or so but it is getting delayed again. Every time I try to reach out for help, I get shut down. I think I'm done with fighting this, with trying and with just living in general.
It isn't getting any better, I've fought for so long but nothing is helping. I've talked with my partner about being scared, about the fear of not getting better anymore after struggeling for so long and he is fearing the same. He is also fears that I won't get better and he is losing hope. Why would I keep hope when he is losing/lost it? I've quit school for the second time, because I'm too tired and I can't handle the pressure. The only thing I can do in life is fail, over and over again. I wan't it to stop, I want the pain to stop and it comforts me that I'm not alone in this fight. That there are other people out here that are also tired of fighting, right?
Ending my life won't be easy due to my extreme fear of vommiting (actually, it is a phobia that I have). I have thought about ways before, ofcourse. I would want to bleed out under the shower, by cutting my wrists or throat. The thing stopping me from actually doing this is the change of failing. I have meds in my cabinet to stop me from feeling sick/vomitting. I got them from my mom, she has them on preprescription and gave them to be for my phobia. A little while ago I took an overdose and I still felt so fucking sick, I almost threw up in the hospital. Bleeding out seems like the better option and I know it it possible, I got tested for my blood levels a little while ago since I also self harm on a regular base (at least once every 10 days, with stiches needed). My HB levels are still ok, but not the best. It was at a 7.6 at that moment. Maybe I should do it in 2 sessions, first self harm to loose as much blood as possible and then after a few hours/day I will make the cut(s) to end my life.
