Just need to vent sorry

[babyinmyuniverse]

How many times can one person hit rock bottom? I've had the worst two years of my life, it's only been two months since I got out of a horrible psych ward and thought that was the final rock bottom and things would only look up, yet here I am again. Two years ago I got out of an abusive relationship, was homeless, had serious health scares moved in to a new house only to become homeless again, my new house I eventually got ended up infested with bed bugs which gave me psychosis leading me to my first psych ward trip, my Grandad (my hero) died, got increasingly more mentally ill and had multiple suicide attempts until I landed back in the psych ward again. Ever since I've got out things have been getting progressively worse.

I've had to temporarily move back in with my parents in a town where I have nothing because I am unable to look after myself, keep myself safe and have no money after losing my past two jobs because of my mental health. The main job was one I'd wanted for years and had perfect, clear progression into a career path I thought I wanted to follow but it's working with other mentally ill people and I'm considered too much of a risk to work with them. The second one was just a retail job to get me back on my feet after a disastrous few months and I was let go after three shifts because my anxiety was getting in the way. Now I'm unemployed, don't really do anything, live at my parents with no purpose oh - and I've lost all my friends!

Since I got back to my parents town I've heard from no one (I've tried to reach out and had my messages ignored) other than my housemate to tell me that everyone has basically had enough of me. My symptoms have got too much for everyone else that no one has the energy for it anymore and no one wants to be around me. I'm due to move back in a months time if my mental health isn't still completely in the gutter and I'm going to be going back to nothing. Everyone has abandoned me, and I have BPD (as well as autism) so this is like the biggest trigger for me imaginable. But I can't blame them for giving up on me. I've lost count of how many suicide attempts I've had in the past year but since getting out of hospital I've had 4 and no one wants to deal with it anymore. Who can blame them? It just sucks to be alone. (Yes I am very bad at suicide attempts, I don't plan them then act on impulse and it always goes wrong, don't be like me)

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm incredibly lucky to have my parents to come back to but being here isn't easy. I'm in the worst depression but if I show a sign of it I get shouted at. I have to bottle up all my emotions all day to avoid getting shouted at, only really getting to cry or just feel the actual emotions I'm feeling if I have a shower or when they all go to bed.

My life is meaningless. I have nothing to keep going for. I can't end it here because I don't want my parents to find me but I don't know how to keep going. Sorry this is long but I have no one to talk to anymore. I just want to die so bad but I'm not even allowed to be home alone here (I'm nearly 24) and my parents keep track of everything. I can't take this pain anymore.

TLDR; I've lost everything and everyone but am living with my parents and don't know how to end it.

 

[BobMorane]

Take a part-time job somewhere you can work alone (gas station maybe), gather your money until you've saved enough, buy N from the online sources listed in the PPH and once you have it, leave your home, have the weekend of your life and then (if its really want you want) CTB somewhere far away.

My pm's are open if you need to talk :)

 

[Midgardsorm]

I'm sorry, friend. You seem to have gone through a lot. People "having enough of us" is simply those people that things that some months of therapy and medications will cure a mental illness. We are expected to heal in a very short spam of time and function like all the healthier minds. In reality, mental health is mostly chronic.

As far as I know, BPD is really difficult to deal with. I have a friend that suffers a lot because of it.
See if you can find any part-time jobs, home-office would do good because you won't have to stress yourself with other people.

I wish you the best.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. I understand it is an awful feeling to be trapped, where you feel like you cannot ctb and yet you feel like you cannot take anymore of this life. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I wish you well.

 

[babyinmyuniverse]

Take a part-time job somewhere you can work alone (gas station maybe), gather your money until you've saved enough, buy N from the online sources listed in the PPH and once you have it, leave your home, have the weekend of your life and then (if its really want you want) CTB somewhere far away.

My pm's are open if you need to talk :)

Sorry what's the PPH?

I'm sorry, friend. You seem to have gone through a lot. People "having enough of us" is simply those people that things that some months of therapy and medications will cure a mental illness. We are expected to heal in a very short spam of time and function like all the healthier minds. In reality, mental health is mostly chronic.

As far as I know, BPD is really difficult to deal with. I have a friend that suffers a lot because of it.
See if you can find any part-time jobs, home-office would do good because you won't have to stress yourself with other people.

I wish you the best.

Thank you. I appreciate you replying.

I'm sorry you are suffering. I understand it is an awful feeling to be trapped, where you feel like you cannot ctb and yet you feel like you cannot take anymore of this life. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I wish you well.

Thank you. Things have gotten much worse since. I think it's nearly time.

 

[BobMorane]

Sorry what's the PPH?

Thank you. I appreciate you replying.

Thank you. Things have gotten much worse since. I think it's nearly time.

Peaceful Pill Handbook. Its in the ressource section of the site.