Help Just need support :( please

[Crushed_Innocence]

Why do I fuck things up? Im.scated. my stomach hurts. Im dizzy with tears...

If he decides that what I did destroyed our budding little connection, I will have to die in a state of such agony when i CTB..

I HATE WHAT I AM.

All I ever wanted was to be a normal girl. I need someone to talk to about this...

 

[escapefromabuse]

Feel free to PM if you want to talk

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

Why do I fuck things up? Im.scated. my stomach hurts. Im dizzy with tears...

If he decides that what I did destroyed our budding little connection, I will have to die in a state of such agony when i CTB..

I HATE WHAT I AM.

All I ever wanted was to be a normal girl. I need someone to talk to about this...

I don't know if I can give you advice on your particular situation, but I want you to know that you are not alone. I desperately just want to be a normal, stable girl.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Im driving in my car..will respond on thread when i get home..lov u guys

 

[Lostandfound7]

OK honey..here for u

 

[Thanatos]

That sounds like a shitty situation. PM me if you like, I have notifications turned off but I could give you other contact info

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

Oh I just saw in another thread that you have BPD as well, I can probably relate more than I originally thought as I also have been afflicted with the curse that is BPD. If you ever want someone to talk to, I'm here to listen and help if I can.

 

[Angel66]

Hi
I often say things like this and yet it makes me feel so sad when I hear someone else struggling and feeling so sad.
I'm trying to get my head round whether your actually want answers; breaking down and unpicking each point, or if you just want someone to listen.
I'm here whatever you need.

 

[mrwolf]

Get parked and hit us up.

 

[k75]

I'm not sure how helpful I'll be, but I'm here for you if you need. Just send me a message.

 

[highlyvolatile]

Like @k75 said im not sure how much help ill be but i am also here.

 

[Broken Chimera]

I might not be able to help, but I'm here for you. And sorry about what happened.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Hi yall.. I posted the entire story in the "IM SCARED I FUCKED UP A CHANCE TO LIVE" thread. I posted it in offtopic but a staffmember moved it to Suicide so more ppl could see it. I posted this one here in a panic without details.
Here is the original post: any comments or advice welcome.

777
Today at 8:57 PM
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#1
I am in total devastation right now. I think I had a mini BPD blip in assessing this amazing man I met that I talked about in my last post. I talked to my therapist & told me that I needed to be fair & call him.

Well I did & he told me he thought I rejected him and that he had bought tickets to take me to a show the weekend I evaded him because I felt like he was playing me!

This guy made me feel so happy & good. I told him on our first date about my suicide attempt & that Im in therapy.

He still seemed accepting of me. He didnt have much time to talk but said he would call me back. I feel like the scum of the earth. Why do I have to have a disease which causes unconscious self-sabotage in relationships?

I want to text him apologies, ask him to please give another chance, offer to repay him for tickets...

I feel like if he really feels like Im worth a little extra effort, I would not CTB if he chose to stay in my life....

I feel like Im melting in my insides, anxiety & mood is heavy & I can't stop crying & calling myself a "stupid pathetic idiot" do yall think there is hope since he called back?

He is the best guy I ever dated. I feel condemned.... : (

I might not be able to help, but I'm here for you. And sorry about what happened.

Hey you...glad to see your still around. Thanks for checking in on me.... hows it going with u btw?

Get parked and hit us up.

Parked! Lolol

I don't know if I can give you advice on your particular situation, but I want you to know that you are not alone. I desperately just want to be a normal, stable girl.

Funny thing is. There really can be a lid for every pot. Wouldn't it be so awesome for someone to accept us with our instabilities? That hope is what makes innocence crush & hurts so bad..... thanks for sharing. Glad to know im not alone in this...

 

[lizinha]

I'm in a similar boat. I'm sorry you're suffering but you're not alone. I fucked up badly too and having to deal with the outcome is hard. We're here for you.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I feel like I can finally go home & go to bed... I was so stressed out I got a hives outbreak...

Fucking Love..ya know?

Thank yall so much for even putting an emoticon or answering my post and offering your support even though we are all here cause we are suffering in some way or another. And i think that speaks to how powerful this forum is and how I can testify that if any pro-lifer or anti-suicide person happens to come accross this post, let it be known that even though I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO DIE,

TONIGHT this forum kept me from doing something rash or stupid, I felt a sense of connection & well being.... Things are are hardly accessible to me in the outside world... so kudos to you ss family, for even in the midst of whatever misfortunes brought you here .... you still have it in you to help someone else. There is no other way to describe it other than beautiful.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I feel like I can finally go home & go to bed... I was so stressed out I got a hives outbreak...

Fucking Love..ya know?

Thank yall so much for even putting an emoticon or answering my post and offering your support even though we are all here cause we are suffering in some way or another. And i think that speaks to how powerful this forum is and how I can testify that if any pro-lifer or anti-suicide person happens to come accross this post, let it be known that even though I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO DIE,

TONIGHT this forum kept me from doing something rash or stupid, I felt a sense of connection & well being.... Things are are hardly accessible to me in the outside world... so kudos to you ss family, for even in the midst of whatever misfortunes brought you here .... you still have it in you to help someone else. There is no other way to describe it other than beautiful.

Glad ur home n ok, beautiful..Get some rest n ttyl

 

[voyager]

I'm sorry if I didn't understand the question, but from what I hear you met a nice guy who wanted to do you something good, you were quite honest about your situation, perhaps against your will (?) which embarassed you, yet he wasn't put off by it, but you're trying to smooth the situation with texts and repaying the tickets, but then he called you, and now you think you're an idiot?

Sounds more like love. I'm glad you found someone you adore, but perhaps you're overthinking this and yourself too much. You don't mean to mess up of course, I understand. But sometimes less is more. Have faith in yourself, be yourself and try not to question and overthink everything you do. I do it too, so I know what you mean, but it probably comes across weirder than if we just let it flow. Otoh, maybe he likes that and thinks it's cute, and he sounds interested or wouldn't have called you back. So, good luck. :)

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I'm sorry if I didn't understand the question, but from what I hear you met a nice guy who wanted to do you something good, you were quite honest about your situation, perhaps against your will (?) which embarassed you, yet he wasn't put off by it, but you're trying to smooth the situation with texts and repaying the tickets, but then he called you, and now you think you're an idiot?

Sounds more like love. I'm glad you found someone you adore, but perhaps you're overthinking this and yourself too much. You don't mean to mess up of course, I understand. But sometimes less is more. Have faith in yourself, be yourself and try not to question and overthink everything you do. I do it too, so I know what you mean, but it probably comes across weirder than if we just let it flow. Otoh, maybe he likes that and thinks it's cute, and he sounds interested or wouldn't have called you back. So, good luck. :)

Thank you so much for your input, yeah the overthinking thing is such liability. Im so grateful to have a therapist to help me...

Being a human suucckkkkss! Lol. Its just part of the human condition.... ill post an update to let yawl know how it turns out...

 

[Angel66]

Thank you so much for your input, yeah the overthinking thing is such liability. Im so grateful to have a therapist to help me...

Being a human suucckkkkss! Lol. Its just part of the human condition.... ill post an update to let yawl know how it turns out...

I overthink everything too, even down to what colour socks to wear. It's a dreadful curse Sometimes if you can, just try to accept things at face value and leave it like that. Easier said than done I know. Good luck

 

[BPD Barbie]

BPD is a vile thing to have, I have it as well as bipolar. It tries to destroy everything you like and enjoy, manipulates relationships and thoughts around them. I'm so sorry you have had a rough time, but you have so much support here and love ❤ no matter what you're never alone in the darkness, we are here to guide you through it. My DMs are always open to anyone who needs a chat or to vent. Sending you love ❤

 

[S1mpleme]

Why do I fuck things up? Im.scated. my stomach hurts. Im dizzy with tears...

If he decides that what I did destroyed our budding little connection, I will have to die in a state of such agony when i CTB..

I HATE WHAT I AM.

All I ever wanted was to be a normal girl. I need someone to talk to about this...

There is no normal girls, everyone is unique. You just need someone that will understand you, dont expect everyone will be the same with you.

 

[Deathbydemo]

I hope you're feeling much better now and in a better place mentally. I'm here for you also. Sorry to have missed your original post!

 

[Moonstruck]

Hey, hopefully you feel better now! I'm way late to this but wanted to add my opinion because boy oh boy have I felt this way before >.<
The best advice I can give is that we tend to overanalyze this stuff. You wanna call him? Then call. You're living for you and who cares what anyone else thinks.
If I could tell my past self any advice at all when I was freaking out about not hearing from a love interest, it would be this! Reach out to them if that's what your heart desires. You can only control what you do.

 

[Pistolero114]

Why do I fuck things up? Im.scated. my stomach hurts. Im dizzy with tears...

If he decides that what I did destroyed our budding little connection, I will have to die in a state of such agony when i CTB..

I HATE WHAT I AM.

All I ever wanted was to be a normal girl. I need someone to talk to about this...

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

BPD is a vile thing to have, I have it as well as bipolar. It tries to destroy everything you like and enjoy, manipulates relationships and thoughts around them. I'm so sorry you have had a rough time, but you have so much support here and love ❤ no matter what you're never alone in the darkness, we are here to guide you through it. My DMs are always open to anyone who needs a chat or to vent. Sending you love ❤

Thanks girl...
Didnt know I had this shit till age 40! Ugh..Vile is the perfect word. I am fortunate in a way most are not as I have an excellent skilled therapist.... I just hope i dont always have to do hindsight work....

There is no normal girls, everyone is unique. You just need someone that will understand you, dont expect everyone will be the same with you.

Agreed.

Hey, hopefully you feel better now! I'm way late to this but wanted to add my opinion because boy oh boy have I felt this way before >.<
The best advice I can give is that we tend to overanalyze this stuff. You wanna call him? Then call. You're living for you and who cares what anyone else thinks.
If I could tell my past self any advice at all when I was freaking out about not hearing from a love interest, it would be this! Reach out to them if that's what your heart desires. You can only control what you do.

Thank you for this. I agree. I sent a text & left it at that. Will post update..... thank u so much for the advice.

 

[Broken Chimera]

Hey you...glad to see your still around. Thanks for checking in on me.... hows it going with u btw?

Still alive unfortunately. Let us know what happens. But it's gonna work out well for you.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Still alive unfortunately. Let us know what happens. But it's gonna work out well for you.

Ha! I hear you with the "unfortunately" part for sure! Shit, I really hate this world.... but part of me still stubbornly clings to the fantasy.... Your so sweet to encourage that it will work out well for me.... I REALLY hate hope.... but its creeping in ya know? Btw pardon me for asking but r u female? I didn't want to assume.