letmewalrus
Hopeless today
- Sep 25, 2023
- 6
TW: mention of family and sexual harrassment
I'm currently thinking of the 'worst case scenario' where I'm gonna commit suicide.
The reason I'm saying this is because with the way I'm heading now, I'm going nowhere. I have no family to turn to, no money, no job, no degree, and I live in a 3rd world country. At what point do I just end it all?
I've endured too much. When I was a kid my brother commented on the color of my panties and I saw incest porn on his phone. When I was 16, my sister is abroad for college and that's when my brother threw a mug at my head and beat me with a mop until the handle broke. My parents did nothing..
Age 18 I endured the loss of my father after a complication of diabetes, kidney failure, and covid-19. This year at age 19 I got into an argument with my mom and my sister choked me and my brother stomped on my face.
I've tried reporting it to relatives, but they never believed me/took my family's side. Nobody's here to help.
My breaking point which urged me to write this was when my mom texted (roughly translated),
"Be wary of God's message to not get into accidents. The most horrible tragedy is to get thrown in hell. Pray to God unless you want to experience a horrible accident."
Please, I just need someone to tell me I'm strong and that I've gone through so much. I want people to not look on the bright side, and instead grieve with me. At what point do I just end it all?
I can't live like this. My family won't look me in the eye anymore. I sometimes dream about murdering my family, though it's more of a coping mechanism and not a true reflection of who I am.
Throughout my life I always try to be good and honest. I thought that it might be the thing that I was missing. Turns out it's totally a gamble. I had nothing and ended with nothing. I want to be appreciated. I tried my best.
I'm currently thinking of the 'worst case scenario' where I'm gonna commit suicide.
The reason I'm saying this is because with the way I'm heading now, I'm going nowhere. I have no family to turn to, no money, no job, no degree, and I live in a 3rd world country. At what point do I just end it all?
I've endured too much. When I was a kid my brother commented on the color of my panties and I saw incest porn on his phone. When I was 16, my sister is abroad for college and that's when my brother threw a mug at my head and beat me with a mop until the handle broke. My parents did nothing..
Age 18 I endured the loss of my father after a complication of diabetes, kidney failure, and covid-19. This year at age 19 I got into an argument with my mom and my sister choked me and my brother stomped on my face.
I've tried reporting it to relatives, but they never believed me/took my family's side. Nobody's here to help.
My breaking point which urged me to write this was when my mom texted (roughly translated),
"Be wary of God's message to not get into accidents. The most horrible tragedy is to get thrown in hell. Pray to God unless you want to experience a horrible accident."
Please, I just need someone to tell me I'm strong and that I've gone through so much. I want people to not look on the bright side, and instead grieve with me. At what point do I just end it all?
I can't live like this. My family won't look me in the eye anymore. I sometimes dream about murdering my family, though it's more of a coping mechanism and not a true reflection of who I am.
Throughout my life I always try to be good and honest. I thought that it might be the thing that I was missing. Turns out it's totally a gamble. I had nothing and ended with nothing. I want to be appreciated. I tried my best.
