callalilies
they/them
- Aug 12, 2024
- 3
i've been doing well lately which is why this is so frustrating. i got back onto antidepressants at a dosage that's low enough to make a difference but not so high that i'm hypomanic, but my pmdd is so bad that i just end up skipping doses and ending up in the same depressive rut again. and i'm very ill. i don't really have anyone else to talk about because i'm just managing my depression and my body that doesn't work, but most of the time i'm too exhausted and burnt out to care about my degree and when i'm not i'm undermotivated and i don't have many good options, which hurts because i want to live so badly but everything just leads to hurt!
and i don't even just mean emotionally! physically, when i'm flaring like this and i can barely stand up straight or do anything but just lay down, it's hard to not be depressed. and i know someone else out there can understand but the people i'm supposed to be able to vent to just aren't ... i don't feel like i can bring this to them. the person who deals with the brunt of it, my partner, is starting to get sick of me because they were there when i was manic and suicidal the first time and i'm starting to get the feeling that they're sometimes more attracted to the idea of me than the full, ugly picture. yesterday i was acting a little strange, crying, not picking up after myself and i understand that i was being insensitive but i was in a lot of pain (not justifying it, just explaining it).
it got better when i remembered to take my antidepressant and i did some stuff. mood-wise, today has been better, but in terms of the pain, i've been in agony. i had to stand up and ended up shaking and they sent me back to bed and i cried, and they haven't spoken to me since. and they say it's not about me but i feel like it is and it hurts me a lot. sometimes i wonder why they even bother. and i am just complaining, but everyone seems disgusted by my issues. they are repulsive, it's the nature of my condition, but it makes me feel horrible and unlovable when i'm at my worst. and the year's just started, and i experience this nearly every month. it produces a lot of passive suicidal ideation but i don't want to be this way. does anyone else with a chronic illness know how to navigate your disability pushing loved ones away? how do i look forward to going on when it just hurts? :(
and i don't even just mean emotionally! physically, when i'm flaring like this and i can barely stand up straight or do anything but just lay down, it's hard to not be depressed. and i know someone else out there can understand but the people i'm supposed to be able to vent to just aren't ... i don't feel like i can bring this to them. the person who deals with the brunt of it, my partner, is starting to get sick of me because they were there when i was manic and suicidal the first time and i'm starting to get the feeling that they're sometimes more attracted to the idea of me than the full, ugly picture. yesterday i was acting a little strange, crying, not picking up after myself and i understand that i was being insensitive but i was in a lot of pain (not justifying it, just explaining it).
it got better when i remembered to take my antidepressant and i did some stuff. mood-wise, today has been better, but in terms of the pain, i've been in agony. i had to stand up and ended up shaking and they sent me back to bed and i cried, and they haven't spoken to me since. and they say it's not about me but i feel like it is and it hurts me a lot. sometimes i wonder why they even bother. and i am just complaining, but everyone seems disgusted by my issues. they are repulsive, it's the nature of my condition, but it makes me feel horrible and unlovable when i'm at my worst. and the year's just started, and i experience this nearly every month. it produces a lot of passive suicidal ideation but i don't want to be this way. does anyone else with a chronic illness know how to navigate your disability pushing loved ones away? how do i look forward to going on when it just hurts? :(
