Just Lost All Progress and Development

[BornofDust]

Ok so I have been doing meditation, Stoicism and Christian mediation for sometime for about 2 weeks, it has been working so far, until now. I was getting calmer when interacting with my parents, didn't feel this toxic shame that I was used to feeling about myself, I didn't let my parent's comment's effect me, letting thoughts pass my mind and not letting them effect me. I was doing exercise I was more focused on doing the task I had, I actually started cleaning my room .Even though it was really hard at first it got easier overtime and my mid doesn't go as hyperdrive as it usually does. Hell in the morning during Christian Meditation(after the regular meditation)I started feeling this inner warm, affection and peace( or maybe that's just my breathing being really warm inside, don't know) and I felt so lifted and good and relaxed for the day before the incident. I thought maybe I was getting better, turns out that was an illusion I guess

So I was watching a documentary on Netflix right alone when my dad came home, he ask me some question, I answered while asking some questions, he proceeds' to get mad at me and accuse me of giving me attitude and accuse me of disrespecting him ( I wasn't I was just asking a question.), unfortunately I blew up on him because he's always been doing this for a longtime so now we are both mad and now I'm stewing in anger and shame, espcailly since I was getting better at not letting their words and attitude get to me for a couple of weeks due to said practice.

I just threw all of my Mediations and Stoicism down the drain within the next 2 hours. God I'm such a dumbass. Guess I wasn't recovering aftercall. Especially cause I just cost myself a house, I'm not gonna be having a roof over my head by tomorrow. I wonder if either I lost it or I was just deluding myself that I was becoming " calmer.' Don't know. Seems like I'm whining about my home-life every week lol, sorry about the whining and crying. I was just hoping I was getting better.

 

[Makko]

I don't know your whole story but can you move out of home at all? It's very difficult to be stoic when having to share living space with people, especially when you're forcibly attuned to this constant background tension between you and them. Moving out creates a disconnect that allows you to set boundaries interact with your parents as adults. You can never set the necessarily boundaries against someone in whose house you're living.

 

[BornofDust]

I don't know your whole story but can you move out of home at all? It's very difficult to be stoic when having to share living space with people, especially when you're forcibly attuned to this constant background tension between you and them. Moving out creates a disconnect that allows you to set boundaries interact with your parents as adults. You can never set the necessarily boundaries against someone in whose house you're living.

Right now I honestly can't. I haven't had a job in several months since I got fired for late attendance, and I haven't had any luck finding another one so far, plus I just legit don't have any money right now( last time I checked I literally only have .30 cents) trust me if I could I would've by now, but honestly that's unfortunately not an option at the moment.

Yeah you are correct on the boundary issue, didn't really consider that, thought I would've been able to handle it better, guess not.

 

[Callie Arcale]

Practicing meditation is a long journey. Be kind to yourself, two weeks is but a step on that journey. You have to take thousands more to learn how to stay calm in the middle of the storm.

I, for one, have been doing mindfulness for years and haven't even come close to being zen. But don't take me as measure, I excell at failing.