all_pointless
Member
- Jul 2, 2018
- 63
Usually I feel so pathetic, guilty of wasting my waking hours doing anything but going along with taking steps toward an at least reliable plan (which more or so has been the case past couple months since the start of Covid.)
But tonight, my only contact at this point, a friend of mine had written to me to check on me last night but I just saw the messages over telegram. After initially getting anxious and letting it subside I felt doing the least which I'm sure is safe in this case and told him all about what's to come.
Ahhh jeez after intially starting with a fun spirit to write this now I feel my ocd bpd acting up and not sure if it's ain't shit but anywa...
Now to me it seemed a step since last time I felt so stupid to post that I exhasted myself on Wednesday leaving a note "don't look" then walking kilometers to road, getting inside a car, looking for a desrerted tree all around the road, not finding any, getting exhausted over lack of money to drive back to hometown, then desperately talking the bus driver to stop in middle of the road nearest to my town to save parents money, not realizing walking beside the road even in moon light leaves gaslighted fairly quickly, desperate at this point there's no tree around, being reminded there's no way back to home with the note, then being picked up by some drunks, repeating to their question of why that it doesn't matter I was stupidly being gaslighted, exhausted of walks without food, note uncovered but nobodies acting strange so I don't give a shit as well.
Messages:
Steve:
hey my man
long time no shit
sup?
u fine?
Me:
haha, 'no shit'
good call
Not much same shit.
I feel I owe it to you and your whole being in my life to be honest.
Well.., it depends what is defined fine but yeah I'm fine. I carry you in my heart.
For the rest of this text, in short it's about my determination in leaving this life as soon as possible and how I don't find any other outcome relevant.
As much as I appreciate your past efforts please do not waste your time any more over talking me into chanigng my mind as I've been contemplating this for so long and don't see any other resolution or outcome I'll be willing to consider as I find my self very impulsive on doing the act on most of my waking hours.
I've been at this place my whole life.
I've been mostly in bed from last we met.
I can't help but to be sure it's been way past my time.
I haven't seen and don't see myself no more of a service to myself or society and at this point I don't see any point in complaining or anything of that nature, nor hope for really anything.
My heart desires no more.
I feel very content with my choice.
At this point every second I lose not researching or overall in a effective way in that direction depresses me more.
I'm going to catch the bus soon.
As for anything else if by any chance at this point you're even interested to converse on with me before I ctb I'll be here.
And I dont have access to WhatsApp due to being forced to dodge the google play services bs to save more battery.
Tl;Dr: I feel a little confident after setting things straight with a friend.
But tonight, my only contact at this point, a friend of mine had written to me to check on me last night but I just saw the messages over telegram. After initially getting anxious and letting it subside I felt doing the least which I'm sure is safe in this case and told him all about what's to come.
Ahhh jeez after intially starting with a fun spirit to write this now I feel my ocd bpd acting up and not sure if it's ain't shit but anywa...
Now to me it seemed a step since last time I felt so stupid to post that I exhasted myself on Wednesday leaving a note "don't look" then walking kilometers to road, getting inside a car, looking for a desrerted tree all around the road, not finding any, getting exhausted over lack of money to drive back to hometown, then desperately talking the bus driver to stop in middle of the road nearest to my town to save parents money, not realizing walking beside the road even in moon light leaves gaslighted fairly quickly, desperate at this point there's no tree around, being reminded there's no way back to home with the note, then being picked up by some drunks, repeating to their question of why that it doesn't matter I was stupidly being gaslighted, exhausted of walks without food, note uncovered but nobodies acting strange so I don't give a shit as well.
Messages:
Steve:
hey my man
long time no shit
sup?
u fine?
Me:
haha, 'no shit'
good call
Not much same shit.
I feel I owe it to you and your whole being in my life to be honest.
Well.., it depends what is defined fine but yeah I'm fine. I carry you in my heart.
For the rest of this text, in short it's about my determination in leaving this life as soon as possible and how I don't find any other outcome relevant.
As much as I appreciate your past efforts please do not waste your time any more over talking me into chanigng my mind as I've been contemplating this for so long and don't see any other resolution or outcome I'll be willing to consider as I find my self very impulsive on doing the act on most of my waking hours.
I've been at this place my whole life.
I've been mostly in bed from last we met.
I can't help but to be sure it's been way past my time.
I haven't seen and don't see myself no more of a service to myself or society and at this point I don't see any point in complaining or anything of that nature, nor hope for really anything.
My heart desires no more.
I feel very content with my choice.
At this point every second I lose not researching or overall in a effective way in that direction depresses me more.
I'm going to catch the bus soon.
As for anything else if by any chance at this point you're even interested to converse on with me before I ctb I'll be here.
And I dont have access to WhatsApp due to being forced to dodge the google play services bs to save more battery.
Tl;Dr: I feel a little confident after setting things straight with a friend.
