Fragile
Broken
- Jul 7, 2019
- 1,496
Not my first language, sorry if this is a bit hard to read, but I'll appreciate it if you do read it. really.
There are no words to describe the deep feeling of guilt that I have. I feel like the conversation itself ruined their lives already, especially because I'm such a central piece in their emotional state and I'm always the one they talk with when they feel down or when they feel cheerful, I've always been there to help them.
I just told my family (mother and brother, since we are really lonely people with no one else in our lives, and I don't have the hearth to say this to my little brother) about how I feel and what they should expect, the plans going forward and why I need to do this.
I won't get into details, but it was devastating both for them and I. My brother took it specially bad and my mother is hiding her feelings in a very obvious way.
The plan is simple, I will take a trip to another city, take a genetic test this month and this will dictate how I shall proceed. Because the condition that I may have is something that rapidly deteriorates and it's incurable, I could live with the health issues even if they deteriorate further, for I've been enduring them for years, however, the sharp and sudden cognitive decline is something that I will not tolerate, my intelligence is the only thing that kept me going, now I'm even questioning that, and this is the hardest thing for me to give up, in a way it's always been my only hope through the years, my light that keeps me going, and that light is slowly disappearing.
By the way, please, PLEASE . don't ask me the name or the symptoms of it, I won't disclose it because it's extremely distressing to even think about it.
But if I'm being honest, I already know the answer and what will happen. I decided to endure it until they accomplish their dreams because I love them so much, I told them that. but knowing that a loved person is suffering and wants to take this path is beyond devastating, seeing them react this way made me feel like a horrible monster, like the most selfish person in the world.
If I didn't have them, I would've done this as soon as I got my N, that's how much I love these broken people.
Thank you for reading this, I usually don't post much, but I needed to say this.
There are no words to describe the deep feeling of guilt that I have. I feel like the conversation itself ruined their lives already, especially because I'm such a central piece in their emotional state and I'm always the one they talk with when they feel down or when they feel cheerful, I've always been there to help them.
I just told my family (mother and brother, since we are really lonely people with no one else in our lives, and I don't have the hearth to say this to my little brother) about how I feel and what they should expect, the plans going forward and why I need to do this.
I won't get into details, but it was devastating both for them and I. My brother took it specially bad and my mother is hiding her feelings in a very obvious way.
The plan is simple, I will take a trip to another city, take a genetic test this month and this will dictate how I shall proceed. Because the condition that I may have is something that rapidly deteriorates and it's incurable, I could live with the health issues even if they deteriorate further, for I've been enduring them for years, however, the sharp and sudden cognitive decline is something that I will not tolerate, my intelligence is the only thing that kept me going, now I'm even questioning that, and this is the hardest thing for me to give up, in a way it's always been my only hope through the years, my light that keeps me going, and that light is slowly disappearing.
By the way, please, PLEASE . don't ask me the name or the symptoms of it, I won't disclose it because it's extremely distressing to even think about it.
But if I'm being honest, I already know the answer and what will happen. I decided to endure it until they accomplish their dreams because I love them so much, I told them that. but knowing that a loved person is suffering and wants to take this path is beyond devastating, seeing them react this way made me feel like a horrible monster, like the most selfish person in the world.
If I didn't have them, I would've done this as soon as I got my N, that's how much I love these broken people.
Thank you for reading this, I usually don't post much, but I needed to say this.
