NaturalBornNEET
知らないわ 周りのことなど 私は私 それだけ
- Feb 22, 2022
- 250
Only just realised the power of SI. I recently got DMT and decided to do it tonight. Was determined and sure I'd do it up until I sat down and held the vape in my hand, then I was suddenly overcame with unbearable dread and trepidation and seriously considered backing out, I had to hype man myself into taking a hit and as I did so my heart beat was painfully palpable and I was just realising how bad my vape game is.
The whole ordeal of inhaling it was so neurotic and gollumy and made me feel so silly. After just one hit I bitched out and laid back n closed me eyes feeling like a chimp was slamming down on a drum in my chest and like chernobyl had gone off in my throat. Closed eye visuals kicked in (they were pretty cool but not that immersive, very benign) accompanied by a complete dissipation of my anxiety replaced by relief and feeling care free.
The thing is the very reason I felt this orgasmic relief was because I DIDNT breakthrough, my ego didn't temporarily "die" and I didn't completely leave this reality.
Just seeing how strong my fear was when fully face to face with the prospect of something as benign as a, albeit intense, 5 minute drug trip makes me think how I'd ever manage to take SN. Ig really what I've learnt is I'm not even ready to CTB, my resolve is nowhere near where I thought it was.
What adds to this conundrum is for CTB I'm gonna need to rent a hotel room, and if I end up backing out last second that's money and potentially even my SN (if I disolve it in water) wasted. And also a lot of suspicions raised.
Still think I might try for a breakthrough on DMT in a few hours tho, this time in my room. It'll probably ease the anxiety rather than my setting choice being my uncle's extremly creepy and dingy garage at 3am which could pass for a found footage horror movie set. Also if those closed eye hallucinations are any indication of what my full breakthrough trip will be like then it's gonna be a fucking blast, I may never even want to leave, infinite jest tier immersion
The whole ordeal of inhaling it was so neurotic and gollumy and made me feel so silly. After just one hit I bitched out and laid back n closed me eyes feeling like a chimp was slamming down on a drum in my chest and like chernobyl had gone off in my throat. Closed eye visuals kicked in (they were pretty cool but not that immersive, very benign) accompanied by a complete dissipation of my anxiety replaced by relief and feeling care free.
The thing is the very reason I felt this orgasmic relief was because I DIDNT breakthrough, my ego didn't temporarily "die" and I didn't completely leave this reality.
Just seeing how strong my fear was when fully face to face with the prospect of something as benign as a, albeit intense, 5 minute drug trip makes me think how I'd ever manage to take SN. Ig really what I've learnt is I'm not even ready to CTB, my resolve is nowhere near where I thought it was.
What adds to this conundrum is for CTB I'm gonna need to rent a hotel room, and if I end up backing out last second that's money and potentially even my SN (if I disolve it in water) wasted. And also a lot of suspicions raised.
Still think I might try for a breakthrough on DMT in a few hours tho, this time in my room. It'll probably ease the anxiety rather than my setting choice being my uncle's extremly creepy and dingy garage at 3am which could pass for a found footage horror movie set. Also if those closed eye hallucinations are any indication of what my full breakthrough trip will be like then it's gonna be a fucking blast, I may never even want to leave, infinite jest tier immersion
