Story Just going to let it RIP

[Dead Already]

It's been such a long time since I was anything but numb, I lost my wife, best friend and soul mate a decade ago, she was the only person I have ever known who understood me and what I go through with bi-polar, ptsd, and severe depression.

Never any judgment, never an unkind word just love and support even on my darkest days (26 years worth). I have sought help numerous times to try and resolve the issues that vex me to no avail, always ends up being held against my will or bank account being drained by some counselor who just wants to put me on meds to the point I can't take care of myself and must trust a system that already looks down on me because I'm "not normal", with K by my side life was bearable, even bright, in her light I wasn't so much distracted by my issues or the state of ugliness most of humanity has fell into.

I know I'm loved, I have many friends that have tried so hard to understand, but don't and just get hurt trying to help.
I felt so guilty that one day I just walked away from the home me and K built, gave away the things I thought would mean something to each of our friends and bugged out to an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean,

Even with the blue water and beautiful beaches, able to do what I'm passionate about everyday (diving junky), the darkness just keeps hounding me, I dive alone for fear of putting someone else in danger if I ctb instead of surfacing.

Suicide is on my mind every minute of every day,
The confusion/bipolar, the trauma flashbacks/ptsd,
THE DARKNESS, LONELINESS, SELF LOATHING, CHAOTIC THOUGHTS, FEAR OF PEOPLE/severe depression.

I have fought these things for so long, I am truly exhausted, body, mind and soul. Loneliness is the worst, so tired, just want the suffering to end.
So tired, I'm not a stupid or lazy man, I have accomplished much in my life, even through my issues.

So tired, so lonely.

Just can do it anymore, Already Dead
Method chosen,
In 90 days or so my responsibilities given by my word to others will be fulfilled.
Just need to pick a beautiful spot for the last image these tired old eyes will see.
I'm 58 years old, suffering for 50 of them,
So tired.
So lonely.
I have held on as long as I could, please forgive me K.
I hope my friends understand that I'm not doing this to hurt anyone else, I'm not being selfish.
I have nothing left in me to give to anyone else, it's just finally time to take care of myself by stopping the pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered for such a long time, I hope that when the time is right for you to leave you find the freedom that you search for.

 

[Elle]

Hope you find peace, hugs!

 

[dyingslowly]

It's been such a long time since I was anything but numb, I lost my wife, best friend and soul mate a decade ago, she was the only person I have ever known who understood me and what I go through with bi-polar, ptsd, and severe depression.

Never any judgment, never an unkind word just love and support even on my darkest days (26 years worth). I have sought help numerous times to try and resolve the issues that vex me to no avail, always ends up being held against my will or bank account being drained by some counselor who just wants to put me on meds to the point I can't take care of myself and must trust a system that already looks down on me because I'm "not normal", with K by my side life was bearable, even bright, in her light I wasn't so much distracted by my issues or the state of ugliness most of humanity has fell into.

I know I'm loved, I have many friends that have tried so hard to understand, but don't and just get hurt trying to help.
I felt so guilty that one day I just walked away from the home me and K built, gave away the things I thought would mean something to each of our friends and bugged out to an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean,

Even with the blue water and beautiful beaches, able to do what I'm passionate about everyday (diving junky), the darkness just keeps hounding me, I dive alone for fear of putting someone else in danger if I ctb instead of surfacing.

Suicide is on my mind every minute of every day,
The confusion/bipolar, the trauma flashbacks/ptsd,
THE DARKNESS, LONELINESS, SELF LOATHING, CHAOTIC THOUGHTS, FEAR OF PEOPLE/severe depression.

I have fought these things for so long, I am truly exhausted, body, mind and soul. Loneliness is the worst, so tired, just want the suffering to end.
So tired, I'm not a stupid or lazy man, I have accomplished much in my life, even through my issues.

So tired, so lonely.

Just can do it anymore, Already Dead
Method chosen,
In 90 days or so my responsibilities given by my word to others will be fulfilled.
Just need to pick a beautiful spot for the last image these tired old eyes will see.
I'm 58 years old, suffering for 50 of them,
So tired.
So lonely.
I have held on as long as I could, please forgive me K.
I hope my friends understand that I'm not doing this to hurt anyone else, I'm not being selfish.
I have nothing left in me to give to anyone else, it's just finally time to take care of myself by stopping the pain.

Your situation is exactly why I want to kill myself at a younger age, I am a dude who don't want to go into the trouble of loving then breaking up living alone for fking whole life. Then at the end still having to kill himself for relief like wtf, If I have to kill myself then why not do it now?

 

[Dead Already]

Your situation is exactly why I want to kill myself at a younger age, I am a dude who don't want to go into the trouble of loving then breaking up living alone for fking whole life. Then at the end still having to kill himself for relief like wtf, If I have to kill myself then why not do it now?

Believe me, I understand.
How old are you if you don't mind my asking ?,
It's just soul crushing without anyone else in my life. Especially no one who can understand and handle my mental health problems, gets worse as time passes.
No pill, no cure for loneliness.
The fear of losing someone again makes me self isolate to not get emotionally attached to anyone again.

 

[ThisUnrest]

I relate to so much that youve said. Im 51 and was with my husband for 26 years. We were best friends and spent all our time together. We used to go diving too for a while. My entire world collapsed when he died unexpectedly. I was not in any way prepared to live alone. It's terrifying to me. Im barely able to keep working from home. The first entire year was horrific, i think i cried every day. Nonstop panic attacks. Year two is even worse. I dont cry constantly anymore, but only because it feels like my heart and souk have died now. I'm nothing like the person used to be when i was before. Im scared of everything. I barely leave to go to the store. We used to do so much together. Now im in a town 7 hours away from our beautiful house, that i sold, and got rid of so many belongings, to live in a horrible apartment near my sister. Huge mistake and i massively regret it, it makes me ill to even think about it. I was just so terrified being alone. The fear and loneliness are unbearable. Every day. I understand your pain. I dont want to start my life entirely over. I just want out.

 

[Dead Already]

I relate to so much that youve said. Im 51 and was with my husband for 26 years. We were best friends and spent all our time together. We used to go diving too for a while. My entire world collapsed when he died unexpectedly. I was not in any way prepared to live alone. It's terrifying to me. Im barely able to keep working from home. The first entire year was horrific, i think i cried every day. Nonstop panic attacks. Year two is even worse. I dont cry constantly anymore, but only because it feels like my heart and souk have died now. I'm nothing like the person used to be when i was before. Im scared of everything. I barely leave to go to the store. We used to do so much together. Now im in a town 7 hours away from our beautiful house, that i sold, and got rid of so many belongings, to live in a horrible apartment near my sister. Huge mistake and i massively regret it, it makes me ill to even think about it. I was just so terrified being alone. The fear and loneliness are unbearable. Every day. I understand your pain. I dont want to start my life entirely over. I just want out.

I feel you.
It's simply paralyzing.
Nothing but respect for getting through the dark days, for enduring the "feelings" taken from you.
It's just constant agony, it is possible to die from a broken heart, just part of the human condition.
Loss is part of that condition.
I smiled just a little today knowing I'm not alone or stupid for "feeling" this way.
Thank you so much for sharing ❤,
Feel free to PM if you need an ear to listen, it would be refreshing from hearing "it will all be OK", because I know there is no consolation in pity from others over loss.