L
lionetta12
Just a random person
- Aug 5, 2022
- 1,109
Hi everyone,
I just feel like I need to vent somewhere. I'll try my best to keep it short or make it an easy post to understand and read.
Some of you may have read my story post which is quite long about my life in general, also about how I was abroad last week and how that did not go well.
I've been feeling suicidal on a weekly and often daily basis since childhood, and these past 2 weeks it's been on my mind on an hourly basis, even when I wake up for 5 minutes from nightmares when I sleep. It's the only thing on my mind no matter what I do or who I talk to.
I'm suffering so much and I'm in so much pain. Life feels impossible for me, I just want the pain to go away. I'm a very open person so all my family members and all my friends know that I'm suicidal and about my complex PTSD. I've tried to be open about what I've experienced these past 2 weeks and every response is «get help».
I've been getting «help» for years through therapy. I've had all kinds of therapies there is. I have my last therapist appointments this month because there's just nothing else they can offer me or to try. I feel upset when people say it's as easy as to just go get «help», because not always will that help ever work for you, no matter how much work you put in and how much you try.
I went to my doctor on Monday after I had landed back home on Sunday. I told her how much worse my PTSD symptoms, suicidal thoughs and wishes have become these weeks and I was just told «aw, that's not good». Then I was prescribed more sleep meds, meds that I'm told to take when I have panic attacks so I can go to sleep instead of being awake to deal with them, because they are unbearable right now. What kind of life is it to live where I have to be asleep for 10-15 hours a day to avoid unbearable panic, pain and flash backs? It's not possible to live a normal productive life then. I asked her if I should make a will, she said that it was up to me.
On Thursday, yesterday, I saw my therapist. I told him about the weeks as well and how I'm very suicidal. He didn't want to submit me to hospital because he know how suicidal being in a open unit makes me feel and how I'll check myself out. He don't want to submit me to a closed emergency unit because of all the noise, chaos, uncertainty and uneasy patients they have in there and I agree, that would probably traumatize me even more and cause a lot more panic attacks and triggers.
But the bottom of the line is, I was told there really isn't any options or any help for people like me to get. If I want to go to a PTSD unit, I would have to not be suicidal is what I was told. So in the end, I was told that he hopes I stay alive until next Thursday for our next appointment and thay maybe I will feel that there's something to live for when I retire later this year, but I don't even feel joy or excitement over that. And all my friends and family keep saying is get help. But now I have tried for years and a solid week to get that help and I'm told the help does not really exist for this group of people that I am categorized as.
I'm just frustrated and sad that society is this way and that the health care system is a mess. I just wish there was a way to lessen my pain and to live a normal life. I'm trying hard to find ways to make life bearable to live, and to remove my suicidal thoughs but I don't see any solutions. I now know that I can leave the world knowing that I did everything I could, I really tried, but every odd has been against me and I cannot continue like this any longer.
I just feel like I need to vent somewhere. I'll try my best to keep it short or make it an easy post to understand and read.
Some of you may have read my story post which is quite long about my life in general, also about how I was abroad last week and how that did not go well.
I've been feeling suicidal on a weekly and often daily basis since childhood, and these past 2 weeks it's been on my mind on an hourly basis, even when I wake up for 5 minutes from nightmares when I sleep. It's the only thing on my mind no matter what I do or who I talk to.
I'm suffering so much and I'm in so much pain. Life feels impossible for me, I just want the pain to go away. I'm a very open person so all my family members and all my friends know that I'm suicidal and about my complex PTSD. I've tried to be open about what I've experienced these past 2 weeks and every response is «get help».
I've been getting «help» for years through therapy. I've had all kinds of therapies there is. I have my last therapist appointments this month because there's just nothing else they can offer me or to try. I feel upset when people say it's as easy as to just go get «help», because not always will that help ever work for you, no matter how much work you put in and how much you try.
I went to my doctor on Monday after I had landed back home on Sunday. I told her how much worse my PTSD symptoms, suicidal thoughs and wishes have become these weeks and I was just told «aw, that's not good». Then I was prescribed more sleep meds, meds that I'm told to take when I have panic attacks so I can go to sleep instead of being awake to deal with them, because they are unbearable right now. What kind of life is it to live where I have to be asleep for 10-15 hours a day to avoid unbearable panic, pain and flash backs? It's not possible to live a normal productive life then. I asked her if I should make a will, she said that it was up to me.
On Thursday, yesterday, I saw my therapist. I told him about the weeks as well and how I'm very suicidal. He didn't want to submit me to hospital because he know how suicidal being in a open unit makes me feel and how I'll check myself out. He don't want to submit me to a closed emergency unit because of all the noise, chaos, uncertainty and uneasy patients they have in there and I agree, that would probably traumatize me even more and cause a lot more panic attacks and triggers.
But the bottom of the line is, I was told there really isn't any options or any help for people like me to get. If I want to go to a PTSD unit, I would have to not be suicidal is what I was told. So in the end, I was told that he hopes I stay alive until next Thursday for our next appointment and thay maybe I will feel that there's something to live for when I retire later this year, but I don't even feel joy or excitement over that. And all my friends and family keep saying is get help. But now I have tried for years and a solid week to get that help and I'm told the help does not really exist for this group of people that I am categorized as.
I'm just frustrated and sad that society is this way and that the health care system is a mess. I just wish there was a way to lessen my pain and to live a normal life. I'm trying hard to find ways to make life bearable to live, and to remove my suicidal thoughs but I don't see any solutions. I now know that I can leave the world knowing that I did everything I could, I really tried, but every odd has been against me and I cannot continue like this any longer.
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