Just bought my SN

[Banquo501]

As per the title, I just bought my SN. I'm still not sure I'm going to ctb but I want to have the choice should I decide that it's time.

Genuinely can't see a future that I want to be part of, the only thing keeping me here is how upset my parents will be.

 

[BearNoMore]

As per the title, I just bought my SN. I'm still not sure I'm going to ctb but I want to have the choice should I decide that it's time.

Genuinely can't see a future that I want to be part of, the only thing keeping me here is how upset my parents will be.

While I understand wanting to have the option available and have felt that myself, I cannot stress enough to not take any actions in a time of emotional distress or high tension. BREATHE. Try to exhaust your resources and support before making any decisions.

 

[Banquo501]

While I understand wanting to have the option available and have felt that myself, I cannot stress enough to not take any actions in a time of emotional distress or high tension. BREATHE. Try to exhaust your resources and support before making any decisions.

Thanks, I am going to. I am struggling with suicidal thoughts the last few days. I've had them on and off for years and always kind of know things would come to a head at some point. I have been in denial about things for a long time, and a few things have woken me up to how bad my situation is lately. In truth I've been kidding myself that things will work out for me for a long time, and I'm tired of pretending to myself and everyone else in my life that I'm ok with having a chronic illness and that I can cope with not being able to live a normal life.

I won't have an opportunity to do this for a while yet anyway. But I want/need to plan ahead. I'm off to the doctor this week, but I'm not sure if I'm going to tell him about the suicidal stuff. I don't want to end up sectioned or something and have the choice taken away from me.

Currently, sleep seems to be my only real escape, anything else is just me trying in vain to distract myself from how bad things are.

 

[faust]

Well, there is one good thing about having a method by your side. You already know that you are safe and if you face something unwanted, you can always do that. That does not limit you too much, because now you know that you can try to improve things without the fear of a failure. You are now the owner of your life and taking the full responsibility of it. That makes you less stressful, it is something like having a plan B.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I won't have an opportunity to do this for a while yet anyway. But I want/need to plan ahead.

Very wise. Then you won't have to feel any more anxious if you have a plan.

Wishing you the best for all you seek to try to accomplish.

Agree it's not a good idea to admit to being suicidal, or to ever having had suicidal ideation.

 

[Banquo501]

Well, that plan was derailed pretty quickly. Message from the seller today saying they've cancelled the order because it's no longer available in the uk.

 

[xBrialesana]

Shit

 

[Banquo501]

Shit

Yeah, looks like I'm going to need a plan B.

 

[xBrialesana]

Yeah, looks like I'm going to need a plan B.

I'm sorry you have another stressor on top of everything else. I don't want to be that person but if you're not sure maybe it's a sign?
I understand wanting to have everything together. Best of luck. We're all here for you!

You're outside of the US I take it?

 

[Banquo501]

I'm sorry you have another stressor on top of everything else. I don't want to be that person but if you're not sure maybe it's a sign?
I understand wanting to have everything together. Best of luck. We're all here for you!

Thanks, I'm not one to believe in signs and stuff I'm afraid. Something will need to drastically change in my life for me to pull out of this funk I think. I'm off to the doctor tomorrow so will see what happens, like you say, I'm not completely sure about this probably 80/20 in favour of ctb.

I originally came to the site to research helium bags as a method, so may now revert to that particular plan. It doesn't sound anywhere near as peaceful to me as the SN method though. Plus gathering the materials will be more difficult due to their size and nature. Getting a couple of bags of salt in the post is easily hidden, a tank of helium not so much.