So...... Here I am. On the site that I warned myself not to visit, due to an absolutely acute lack of other methods. Honestly I've been moved by the NYT coverage on this site, however upon my own investigation into this site, I've determined that it's better than the alternatives suggested. Atleast people understand me here.
I'm just your typical Asian highschooler, going through the meatgrinder as the other millions...... thus I feel kind of bad when I try to seek help for the things that I've been feeling for quite some time now. After all, my parents went through worse. My classmates go through worse. What makes me special? I don't know. People are particularly fond of labelling me as an "attention seeker", and some of my close friends, too. I can't really blame them. I guess I am just an attention seeker. I crave warmth. I don't do too bad in life, honestly. I'm lowkey decent. I come from a relatively decent family as well.
I've just been thinking if I'll ever be liked, ever be accepted for who I am, not for my achievements (yes there are quite a few academic ones under my belt). I'm afraid that most of my "friends" are just here out of convenience/ don't want to go through the effort to make new friends. I'm erratic, sensitive, prone to breakdowns over the slightest of disagreements..... I don't know..... I don't know why I am like this..... What is wrong with me?!? I can't even put my own feelings out..... Hah I'm useless.....
Lately I've been trying and pushing people away by being rude to them simply because I do not want to get hurt by the possibility of them leaving me. I won't blame them for leaving me, I feel like I am too much, that I am undesirable, why do I feel like, this what is wrong with me ? I get attached too easily on top of it...... (And no I've never been in a relationship nor have I been rejected by a girl, if any of you are trying to connect the dots that way, hell I've rejected away a few girls just because I don't know if they are after me or my achievements, or if they're trying to pass time, hell I don't even know if my achievements are impressive but everyone says that they are)
To top it off I don't feel like I'm doing enough to make my parents and teachers proud.
The most common thing that people have told me is " You are overrreacting"
Am I? Am I wrong for wondering if I'll ever be truly loved? Am I wrong for not wanting to be hurt? Am I overreacting? Am I normal? (Ok.....I'm not. I think I might have BPD but it's unconfirmed. I am however, a confirmed neurodivergent. I've been to therapy a few times, but academic pressure prohibits most of any extra-academic time usage) . I've been taking to self harm in order to cope, sometimes a bit of porn too...... Gosh I hate my existence.
Oh there's the emasculating feeling, too. I'm asking for some, some assistance, instead of enduring it. I wish to bring some happiness to this world, but honestly I can't even myself remain happy. How on earth would I help people?
I truly believe that the root of evil lies in suffering. I hate to see people suffering. But now, I'm not sure if I can fulfill my dream. Well, no use whining. I wish I had some more endurance. Uh well, worst case scenario I die. Best case scenario I don't.
I'm just your typical Asian highschooler, going through the meatgrinder as the other millions...... thus I feel kind of bad when I try to seek help for the things that I've been feeling for quite some time now. After all, my parents went through worse. My classmates go through worse. What makes me special? I don't know. People are particularly fond of labelling me as an "attention seeker", and some of my close friends, too. I can't really blame them. I guess I am just an attention seeker. I crave warmth. I don't do too bad in life, honestly. I'm lowkey decent. I come from a relatively decent family as well.
I've just been thinking if I'll ever be liked, ever be accepted for who I am, not for my achievements (yes there are quite a few academic ones under my belt). I'm afraid that most of my "friends" are just here out of convenience/ don't want to go through the effort to make new friends. I'm erratic, sensitive, prone to breakdowns over the slightest of disagreements..... I don't know..... I don't know why I am like this..... What is wrong with me?!? I can't even put my own feelings out..... Hah I'm useless.....
Lately I've been trying and pushing people away by being rude to them simply because I do not want to get hurt by the possibility of them leaving me. I won't blame them for leaving me, I feel like I am too much, that I am undesirable, why do I feel like, this what is wrong with me ? I get attached too easily on top of it...... (And no I've never been in a relationship nor have I been rejected by a girl, if any of you are trying to connect the dots that way, hell I've rejected away a few girls just because I don't know if they are after me or my achievements, or if they're trying to pass time, hell I don't even know if my achievements are impressive but everyone says that they are)
To top it off I don't feel like I'm doing enough to make my parents and teachers proud.
The most common thing that people have told me is " You are overrreacting"
Am I? Am I wrong for wondering if I'll ever be truly loved? Am I wrong for not wanting to be hurt? Am I overreacting? Am I normal? (Ok.....I'm not. I think I might have BPD but it's unconfirmed. I am however, a confirmed neurodivergent. I've been to therapy a few times, but academic pressure prohibits most of any extra-academic time usage) . I've been taking to self harm in order to cope, sometimes a bit of porn too...... Gosh I hate my existence.
Oh there's the emasculating feeling, too. I'm asking for some, some assistance, instead of enduring it. I wish to bring some happiness to this world, but honestly I can't even myself remain happy. How on earth would I help people?
I truly believe that the root of evil lies in suffering. I hate to see people suffering. But now, I'm not sure if I can fulfill my dream. Well, no use whining. I wish I had some more endurance. Uh well, worst case scenario I die. Best case scenario I don't.
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