synthcadia
dissociated angel.
- Jul 8, 2023
- 228
so hiya, i talked about a while ago about getting plane tickets. well, i want to get plane tickets for my break, but unfortunately i cannot financially do this. so i asked my parents if i could take money from my savings account so i could buy the tickets myself but my mom told me she'd do them for me as it was complicated, and i mean she isn't wrong but it complicates things for me.
it complicates things i'm not going to be staying in a major city and i need to figure out what my "excuse" is to visit here. where i'm going to be, some famous guy was there + beautiful scenery. but like it isn't the city. OR i make up someone that i met and i say that they recommended i go here and they let me stay with them. but tbh i just like the idea of a hotel bc it is less work. ngl. i am hoping they don't ask me why i want to stay in K*******a (censoring bc i dont want to dox myself) but i mean i'll just say it was recommended to me.
i hate lying but i mean i can't be honest because my parents would be so disappointed in me. and tbh i wouldn't be surprised if they just stopped talking to me. i get so scared thinking about it. and some people are like "be independent" but i can't, i am dependent on them.
and now because i am so anxious i just kinda binged ate some chocolate i have and i feel shitty because i feel fat, like i'm 124lbs and i hate it sm. i want to be 110lbs at least. and i'm on my period so i crave chocolate.
and now i am anxious that my partner won't try to come see me when they get their residence card or ID/something. i am so scared, so worried. like i want to book these tickets now, so they aren't mega expensive and so i don't just be a lump i guess. but yeah.
i hate my anxiety sm. SO MUCH.
and the thing is, i don't mind being dependent on my parents. i think that if i wasn't visiting bc of my partner, i'd feel ok with them helping me out with everything.
i mean when i booked tickets by myself, i had like a stress panic attack thing/bpd episode later in the evening and my head hurt so much i wanted to just die.
i think i am controlled by my fears. i hate it.
i hope it all works out. i mean mother hecate will help me but i just hate the uncertainty.
update: i think i'll be ok, i think everything will work out. i'm hoping they don't do research on the area i'm going to. i'm going to plan/act like i am going there as a tourist and to visit and see scenery. best approach tbh.
it complicates things i'm not going to be staying in a major city and i need to figure out what my "excuse" is to visit here. where i'm going to be, some famous guy was there + beautiful scenery. but like it isn't the city. OR i make up someone that i met and i say that they recommended i go here and they let me stay with them. but tbh i just like the idea of a hotel bc it is less work. ngl. i am hoping they don't ask me why i want to stay in K*******a (censoring bc i dont want to dox myself) but i mean i'll just say it was recommended to me.
i hate lying but i mean i can't be honest because my parents would be so disappointed in me. and tbh i wouldn't be surprised if they just stopped talking to me. i get so scared thinking about it. and some people are like "be independent" but i can't, i am dependent on them.
and now because i am so anxious i just kinda binged ate some chocolate i have and i feel shitty because i feel fat, like i'm 124lbs and i hate it sm. i want to be 110lbs at least. and i'm on my period so i crave chocolate.
and now i am anxious that my partner won't try to come see me when they get their residence card or ID/something. i am so scared, so worried. like i want to book these tickets now, so they aren't mega expensive and so i don't just be a lump i guess. but yeah.
i hate my anxiety sm. SO MUCH.
and the thing is, i don't mind being dependent on my parents. i think that if i wasn't visiting bc of my partner, i'd feel ok with them helping me out with everything.
i mean when i booked tickets by myself, i had like a stress panic attack thing/bpd episode later in the evening and my head hurt so much i wanted to just die.
i think i am controlled by my fears. i hate it.
i hope it all works out. i mean mother hecate will help me but i just hate the uncertainty.
update: i think i'll be ok, i think everything will work out. i'm hoping they don't do research on the area i'm going to. i'm going to plan/act like i am going there as a tourist and to visit and see scenery. best approach tbh.
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