other-ghost
rotting
- Apr 5, 2025
- 81
someone i love dearly left me, and it's not her fault at all. i don't hate her, but now i despise myself so much more.
i got significantly better mentally because of her, and i can't see myself going through my daily life without her. now she left me and i can't blame her, but it's too sudden and i can't stay with someone i want to be with (romantically) as a friend.
normally, i would have friends i can talk about this with, since my friends are also part of the reason i am still here. but everyone in my life is leaving my side. lots of them are moving overseas, my close friends are not in the same city as me. and they're all busy and have their own life they need to think about. i know, people would say that it's ok to bother them. but genuinely, right now, i can't. i cannot bother them that much. they are such a good people and i love them, but it's just a fact that they are unable to stay with me right now.
i am also close with my younger brother, but he just left to his uni again, and i couldn't bother someone that's in the middle of late-stage thesis. i am not close with my other family.
i try to not show anyone my negative side for so long, i always try to act as if i am not struggling since i don't want to bother people in my life too much. i thought, as long as i have someone i love that i could spend my daily life with, i'll be fine. but now i am left alone again, and i don't know how to cope with it. i have a hobby, but currently, the thing i am interested in is also not in a good situation. which worsens everything as well because now i have nothing
i've been clean for a few months, maybe 4 months, but being this lonely and having to act like i am fine (since i have a small business as an artist too. i have to look fine and engage) is so hard. and i don't know how to stop at all. seeking help to my friends felt like a sin, especially on monday after a long ramadan break.
it's all too much for me and i don't know how to navigate through this. i can't keep looking like i have everything figured out. i almost killed myself last year, and everything, EVERYTHING that helped me stay alive are all leaving me by myself again. i don't know how to navigate through this at all.
i looked for every distraction in the span of 24 hours. looking for a fulltime job since freelance job apparently still left me some space to think about myself, applied for volunteers, playing games, drown myself in my job. nothing worked, and even harming myself still left me with this feeling.
i have sn that i hold close just in case a situation like this came up. but now that it came up, it hurts too. i want it all to end, but knowing that i was doing so fine for so long hurts me. felt like i am also betraying myself. but at the same time, the me that was doing fine before has everyrhing i needed to live. but the me right now? i dont have it.
i don't even know if i make sense or not, and atp i don't care. sorry, i just need to let this all out before my head gets too heavy and my heart hurts too much. i wish i could just stop feeling. this is too much for me. im sorry
on top of that, i am also struggling financially. it's not even a huge amount, but i have to pay everything by myelf and i genuinely just dont have any way to pay for any extra stuff like this with my small business. everything i need to die is here, but, being fine and well is also nice. but right now, there's just no way for me to achieve that. i feel so doomed.
i got significantly better mentally because of her, and i can't see myself going through my daily life without her. now she left me and i can't blame her, but it's too sudden and i can't stay with someone i want to be with (romantically) as a friend.
normally, i would have friends i can talk about this with, since my friends are also part of the reason i am still here. but everyone in my life is leaving my side. lots of them are moving overseas, my close friends are not in the same city as me. and they're all busy and have their own life they need to think about. i know, people would say that it's ok to bother them. but genuinely, right now, i can't. i cannot bother them that much. they are such a good people and i love them, but it's just a fact that they are unable to stay with me right now.
i am also close with my younger brother, but he just left to his uni again, and i couldn't bother someone that's in the middle of late-stage thesis. i am not close with my other family.
i try to not show anyone my negative side for so long, i always try to act as if i am not struggling since i don't want to bother people in my life too much. i thought, as long as i have someone i love that i could spend my daily life with, i'll be fine. but now i am left alone again, and i don't know how to cope with it. i have a hobby, but currently, the thing i am interested in is also not in a good situation. which worsens everything as well because now i have nothing
i've been clean for a few months, maybe 4 months, but being this lonely and having to act like i am fine (since i have a small business as an artist too. i have to look fine and engage) is so hard. and i don't know how to stop at all. seeking help to my friends felt like a sin, especially on monday after a long ramadan break.
it's all too much for me and i don't know how to navigate through this. i can't keep looking like i have everything figured out. i almost killed myself last year, and everything, EVERYTHING that helped me stay alive are all leaving me by myself again. i don't know how to navigate through this at all.
i looked for every distraction in the span of 24 hours. looking for a fulltime job since freelance job apparently still left me some space to think about myself, applied for volunteers, playing games, drown myself in my job. nothing worked, and even harming myself still left me with this feeling.
i have sn that i hold close just in case a situation like this came up. but now that it came up, it hurts too. i want it all to end, but knowing that i was doing so fine for so long hurts me. felt like i am also betraying myself. but at the same time, the me that was doing fine before has everyrhing i needed to live. but the me right now? i dont have it.
i don't even know if i make sense or not, and atp i don't care. sorry, i just need to let this all out before my head gets too heavy and my heart hurts too much. i wish i could just stop feeling. this is too much for me. im sorry
on top of that, i am also struggling financially. it's not even a huge amount, but i have to pay everything by myelf and i genuinely just dont have any way to pay for any extra stuff like this with my small business. everything i need to die is here, but, being fine and well is also nice. but right now, there's just no way for me to achieve that. i feel so doomed.
Last edited:
