so like… what do you do after 22 years of escalatingly bad trauma and just… cartoonish levels of hurt and unrest in your life. Like. I'm starting to doubt I'm perceiving reality the way I should be at this point. There's no way existence could be this bad right? The universe is cold and unfeeling, it doesn't give a shit about you or me, and yet I can't escape the feeling that I'm being specifically singled out at this point. Month after month year after year it gets worse and worse. Sexual assaults, isolation, constantly fluctuating relationships, revolving door of friendships… just a month ago I thought I was finally free of the cycle. I thought I finally had safety and that I had finally served whatever penance the universe decided I deserved for some fucking reason, and out of the blue **WHAM** my rapist starts spreading rumors and accusations about me and I'm ripped away from my sanity and safety. I thought I could finally trust the good thing that had come to me. I thought I was okay. I was able to say without doubt in my head that I was okay and that I was genuinely happy. And now it's gone. I can't reignite my fire. I had plans to off myself by March if I hadn't heard from the doctor I plan to get GCS through (I'm trans) and like… that commitment feels half-hearted at best. I'm supposed to hear from them in February. If I don't, well I can't even exist in my own body at that point can I? Everything is just wrong, I'm tired of having horrifically realistic nightmares where I kill myself and wake up to find myself trapped in an even worse Kafkaesque nightmare where my body's not my own and my life is gone. I'm tired of feeling like a "dead man walking"…
Like, I heard that Horizon Forbidden West and Moon Knight are both coming out next month and early March, two things I have been anticipating for years. And I feel no excitement for them anymore. As a transformers collector, I fell into a "basically just surviving to see the next figure" mindset and I desperately don't want to fall back on that to survive but… what else do I do. I don't want to just survive, I want to live, but the life I loved and had finally found for myself is dead… and I already feel dead too.
Like, I heard that Horizon Forbidden West and Moon Knight are both coming out next month and early March, two things I have been anticipating for years. And I feel no excitement for them anymore. As a transformers collector, I fell into a "basically just surviving to see the next figure" mindset and I desperately don't want to fall back on that to survive but… what else do I do. I don't want to just survive, I want to live, but the life I loved and had finally found for myself is dead… and I already feel dead too.
