Venting just a vent, feeling horribly lost

[anonymousbunny]

I've never felt so much guilt and heaviness on my chest. I've been in a very dark place in my head. I'm struggling to even finish my food, and I'm continuously consuming disturbing (fictional) media including topics of death, suicide and self-harm.
I feel I'm possibly in love with both my boyfriend and my best friend and I don't know what to do. I want my boyfriend but at the same time I want my friend. I love both of them. its tearing me apart. I've cut up my legs again last night from the stress of all of this. my entire body feels unstable, especially my stomach.
I want suicide but at the same time I genuinely don't. I feel so stuck, lost, clueless. I dont know if anyone can advise me, but regardless, I need to get this out.
my mom has noticed how different I've been lately and is worried, she knows I've self-harmed in the past multiple times and I struggle a lot with suicidal ideation and depression. I just dont want to tell her because I don't want her to worry even more over me.

 

[justcallmeJ]

Im kind of in the same situation, without the love part. My head is constantly filled with negative thoughts which only go away temporary after sh or taking ritalin. I decided to call a therapist tomorrow to see if they can help me. I advice you to do the same. Dont be ashamed about it however, life can be cruel, dark and hard. People will understand your feelings.