Help Just a thought. might someone here help after i'm gone?

[longingforrelease]

As some of you know, I've been suicidal for a couple of years now, since I threw away a life of immense joy and meaning. But I've expressed that the biggest issue I'm wrestling with (beside the fundamental one about whether to ctb) is the impact my death, especially a known suicide, would have on my 10 year old daughter. As I've indicated in other threads I feel that in addition to simply loving my daughter and thus wishing not to harm her, the fact that I made the decision to bring her into this world, I've have a parental obligation to consider the harm my death will cause her, especially the added trauma of suicide. Now I realize that my death by any cause will cause her pain and she will grieve. But the dilemma I've been wrestling with is that making it look accidental deprives me of the opportunity to leave her a note in which I explain to her just how much I love her and how much joy she brought into my life. It occurs to me that I could perhaps have it both ways if someone in whom I could have confidence might be willing to help me. That is, should I choose to ctb, perhaps someone here could contact her through her mom and share with my daughter my feelings toward her. It could appear to come simply from a friend I had established online who got wind of my death and felt compelled to contact her in order to share some of the things I expressed about my daughter. Does that make sense? Just a thought. Anyone else had similar ideas?

 

[Nephis]

You could always buy a diary write in that. without making it seem like a ctb note and write a will that says to give said diary to your daughter this is much simpler and less issues

 

[longingforrelease]

You could always buy a diary write in that. without making it seem like a ctb note and write a will that says to give said diary to your daughter this is much simpler and less issues

thanks. Those are good ideas. I might be overthinking this

 

[Nephis]

thanks. Those are good ideas. I might be overthinking this

There are always simpler options you just have to find them

 

[Dumpling]

Something I am struggling with at the moment (literally, at the moment; I am sitting in a hotel room), is that the most carefully thought out plan might not pan out the way I want it to (I was horrified when I read a thread in this forum suggesting that a mail app reported a user to the authorities). For me, it's a control thing, and I have to accept that it's not up to me to control the world I want to leave - what will happen will happen anyway. It sounds like you are dealing with, pure and simply, love for your daughter, which is actually beautiful, and not my issue at all (obviously, I digress), but perhaps you could use my strategy: err on the side of telling the people you love how much you love them? And I can't imagine you could do that better than someone here...

Good luck working this one out.

 

[BellaKAT]

Also something for anyone on this site to remember, during an investigation of a death your computers may likely be looked through so if you're trying to hide the circumstances being on this kinda site you might want to take extra precautions

 

[TiredHorse]

I've been thinking of you a lot, Longingforrelease. I think you've got an advantage in that if you write that diary and make sure she gets it, right now, when she's 10, she probably won't even think that you ctb (provided you stage your exit to look accidental). Later in life she might start to question. You might put some thought into how you feel about her putting two and two together, and whether it would be good or bad if she did.

Side note: you've said you're a diver. My ex was, too, and when she was getting her certification told me about how you needed to make sure you don't hold your breath as you're ascending, because your lungs will burst --and that the weird thing is that there are no sensory nerves in your lungs, so you never feel the strain on them, or the pain as they burst. Sort of a gruesome way to ctb, but potentially painless --certainly no worse than partial-- and there's no way your daughter could ever imagine it as anything other than an accident. Go on a deep dive, maybe subtly release more air than you ought, so when you run out too soon your dive support team just thinks your tank wasn't filled properly, and with the last of the tank, hold your breath and ascend.

For me, it's a control thing, and I have to accept that it's not up to me to control the world I want to leave - what will happen will happen anyway.

Yeah, I'm a serious control freak, but Dumpling has the right of it: you can't control what comes after you're gone. There's so much that I want to be handled in such-and-such a way, or that I want people to understand just exactly so, but that won't be up to me.

during an investigation of a death your computers may likely be looked through so if you're trying to hide the circumstances being on this kinda site you might want to take extra precautions

Good point.

 

[longingforrelease]

Something I am struggling with at the moment (literally, at the moment; I am sitting in a hotel room), is that the most carefully thought out plan might not pan out the way I want it to (I was horrified when I read a thread in this forum suggesting that a mail app reported a user to the authorities). For me, it's a control thing, and I have to accept that it's not up to me to control the world I want to leave - what will happen will happen anyway. It sounds like you are dealing with, pure and simply, love for your daughter, which is actually beautiful, and not my issue at all (obviously, I digress), but perhaps you could use my strategy: err on the side of telling the people you love how much you love them? And I can't imagine you could do that better than someone here...

Good luck working this one out.

Thanks Dumpling. I think you're right about the control issue and I need to recognize the limitations I have in that regard. And to be sure, I need to use the skype sessions with my daughter to reinforce how much I love her. thanks

 

[longingforrelease]

I've been thinking of you a lot, Longingforrelease. I think you've got an advantage in that if you write that diary and make sure she gets it, right now, when she's 10, she probably won't even think that you ctb (provided you stage your exit to look accidental). Later in life she might start to question. You might put some thought into how you feel about her putting two and two together, and whether it would be good or bad if she did.

Side note: you've said you're a diver. My ex was, too, and when she was getting her certification told me about how you needed to make sure you don't hold your breath as you're ascending, because your lungs will burst --and that the weird thing is that there are no sensory nerves in your lungs, so you never feel the strain on them, or the pain as they burst. Sort of a gruesome way to ctb, but potentially painless --certainly no worse than partial-- and there's no way your daughter could ever imagine it as anything other than an accident. Go on a deep dive, maybe subtly release more air than you ought, so when you run out too soon your dive support team just thinks your tank wasn't filled properly, and with the last of the tank, hold your breath and ascend.



Yeah, I'm a serious control freak, but Dumpling has the right of it: you can't control what comes after you're gone. There's so much that I want to be handled in such-and-such a way, or that I want people to understand just exactly so, but that won't be up to me.



Good point.

Thanks as always TiredHorse. I so appreciate your thoughtfulness. I think will go into town today to pick up a journal so that I can begin that diary. In thinking about whether later in life my daughter figures it out, that happened with me regarding my grandmother. And it seemed to have made a difference that I was an adult by the time it became clear that she ctb. I had an adult's capacity to reason though it and as a result it wasn't a problem. As for diving, yes, I continue to research the possibilities there. It was, until I learned here about SWB, my assumed method since I've recently told my daughter I intend on going on a dive in a few weeks and she knows how much I've been looking forward to getting back in the water. However, the more I learn about SWB that has a certain appeal to it. And there's a pool here at my apartment complex so I could go swimming in the middle of the night and check out that way. At any rate, thanks for your kind and thoughtful support.

 

[longingforrelease]

Also something for anyone on this site to remember, during an investigation of a death your computers may likely be looked through so if you're trying to hide the circumstances being on this kinda site you might want to take extra precautions

right. I will reinstall my laptop's operating system and clear my ipad and iphone.

 

[NewDelhiGuy]

As some of you know, I've been suicidal for a couple of years now, since I threw away a life of immense joy and meaning. But I've expressed that the biggest issue I'm wrestling with (beside the fundamental one about whether to ctb) is the impact my death, especially a known suicide, would have on my 10 year old daughter. As I've indicated in other threads I feel that in addition to simply loving my daughter and thus wishing not to harm her, the fact that I made the decision to bring her into this world, I've have a parental obligation to consider the harm my death will cause her, especially the added trauma of suicide. Now I realize that my death by any cause will cause her pain and she will grieve. But the dilemma I've been wrestling with is that making it look accidental deprives me of the opportunity to leave her a note in which I explain to her just how much I love her and how much joy she brought into my life. It occurs to me that I could perhaps have it both ways if someone in whom I could have confidence might be willing to help me. That is, should I choose to ctb, perhaps someone here could contact her through her mom and share with my daughter my feelings toward her. It could appear to come simply from a friend I had established online who got wind of my death and felt compelled to contact her in order to share some of the things I expressed about my daughter. Does that make sense? Just a thought. Anyone else had similar ideas?

This is an extremely serious matter.
If you commit suicide it will have deep impact on your daughter, she may get emotionally damaged for rest of her life. Being raised by a single parent is already damaging to the child.
I am one of the examples, my mother died and my dad left me with my grandparents and childhood was a mess, deathoverlife 38 (member of this site) committed suicide after killing her 7 year old daughter. She was raised by her mother and couldn't be normal all her life, always struggled with mental problems..

 

[longingforrelease]

This is an extremely serious matter.
If you commit suicide it will have deep impact on your daughter, she may get emotionally damaged for rest of her life. Being raised by a single parent is already damaging to the child.
I am one of the examples, my mother died and my dad left me with my grandparents and childhood was a mess, deathoverlife 38 (member of this site) committed suicide after killing her 7 year old daughter. She was raised by her mother and couldn't be normal all her life, always struggled with mental problems..

thanks for sharing that tragic story. gives me much to ponder.