Story Just a rambling vent I guess…

[MellowAvenue]

So, at the beginning of the year I made the biggest move of my life at the urging of my brother-in-law, moving out to a new state and living with my sister and her family. The transition was a bit awkward, my sister has her own mental baggage that she copes with, but it was honestly good for me. Rekindling my relationship with them, as well as meeting my wonderful niece and nephews made me feel some drive to be better. This drive eventually turned into a desire to go and join the US military, specifically the Air Force. Months ago I made a post talking about how I was concerned that the military's GENESIS portal would discover the mental health hospitalization that I went through last year. It turns out I should have been more worried about my own mouth and a paper trail left behind.

Apparently, despite the big bark the military presents for it, I'm under the impression GENESIS is kind of a joke in it's current state. I don't know if the issue is the system itself, not being linked to enough pharmacies to be effective, or if it was just the MEPS I was at being incompetent in utilizing it, but I overheard our medical examiner express frustration because half of the people who were there with me on ship out day didn't even have files in the system at all. I highly doubt anyone reading this is seriously considering military, but if you are and you were worried about this I'd still say that as long as you weren't treated within TRICARE facilities, you'd probably still have a good shot of sneaking past MEPS so long as you lie your ass off even if you had prior mental or physical health diagnoses that aren't severe enough for their medical examination to pick up.

Air Force BMT was hell and a time I'll probably always look back on with bittersweet memories. I had some of the highest highs I've ever had as well as some of the lowest lows. Some joke it's "the most fun you never want to have again," and I can see why. Still, because it's a shared experience you will almost certainly develop some form of bond with your flight and dorm mates. Obviously we didn't all like each other, but I have made the first actual friends I've made in a long time. I have talked to some of them since getting out. The environment forced me out of the bubble I had trapped myself in for so long, and in that sense I definitely got one of the things I had hoped to out of it.

Unfortunately, I stumbled at the finish line.

See, I wasn't in as good a shape as I probably should have been heading into BMT. I had done some working out but I should have done… Well… MORE working out before hand. I wound up messing up my hip pretty badly and this kept me out of PT Training, which derailed my progress. I failed my PT Testing with my original flight. They tried to reassure me, but I felt I failed them. I couldn't get out of my own head after that. I also never quite clicked with my new flight. I began messing up like I was back in Week 0. It was awful. I… Don't think I would have passed my PT re-test even if I had gotten the chance to retake it, but maybe I would have… I can meet the push up and sit up thresholds but I'm not sure about the run.

Ultimately though, I didn't have that chance.

As the 2nd PT Test was approaching I was told I had to talk with… I forget the acronym… But it was basically the guys who vet people whose jobs require secret and top secret clearances, which my job required. The guy I spoke with told me that when he talked to my old employer he was told about a self-described "mental health leave" I took and he wanted to talk to me about it. Honestly… I probably could have lied my way out of it but… I don't know if it was guilt or stress or what, but I told them everything from my suicidal ideation to me voluntarily going to the hospital. He thanked me for that moment of honesty but said I showed a lack of integrity, blahblahblah, and arranged for me to get a mental health screening. They determined I wasn't an immediate risk to myself or others but they still recommended that I be placed in med-hold and separated. That was it. It was over.

While in med-hold however, I got a glimmer of hope. The USAF has a program known as DRIVE that they are trying to extend to BMT failures with high ASVAB scores or other such qualifications, and I indeed did qualify for it. The program is meant to transition airmen into the civilian sector of military service. They put you in a hotel, pay for housing once found, and try to get you a job, preferably at JBSA Lackland or Fort Sam but they can accommodate you getting a job in the general Texas area.

Unfortunately, that hasn't panned out for me either.

They assured me that I could land a specific job after going over my qualifications. Due to an oversight on their part, it turned out I wasn't qualified for it. So no military civilian job for me. I found a factory job but it wasn't a good fit and they cut ties with me after about 3 weeks. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough, I don't know anymore. No job = no apartment = I'm now trying to figure out where I go from here as the program is about to cut me loose entirely.

I really don't know what to do, or if I even want to try and do anything anymore. This year was the hardest I've actually tried in a long, long, long ass time and it feels like ultimately I just went back over to the go space on a monopoly board but don't get to collect 200 dollars ever. It's absolutely frustrating feeling like I put in all this time, work, effort, and a fair bit of money too quite frankly, only to end up ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way back to where I started. I feel myself trapped back in my bubble. It feels like any progress I had this year has unraveled. I just… I don't even know anymore.

Thanks for reading this rambling, vent, whatever it is. I'm looking for… Guidance? Words of wisdom? Reassurance? Again, I'm so lost I don't know anymore but I'm also open to answering questions about this experience as a whole. I think the main reason for this post though is just to not feel like I'm simply screaming into the void and actually let all out there…

 

[Celerity]

So, at the beginning of the year I made the biggest move of my life at the urging of my brother-in-law, moving out to a new state and living with my sister and her family. The transition was a bit awkward, my sister has her own mental baggage that she copes with, but it was honestly good for me. Rekindling my relationship with them, as well as meeting my wonderful niece and nephews made me feel some drive to be better. This drive eventually turned into a desire to go and join the US military, specifically the Air Force. Months ago I made a post talking about how I was concerned that the military's GENESIS portal would discover the mental health hospitalization that I went through last year. It turns out I should have been more worried about my own mouth and a paper trail left behind.

Apparently, despite the big bark the military presents for it, I'm under the impression GENESIS is kind of a joke in it's current state. I don't know if the issue is the system itself, not being linked to enough pharmacies to be effective, or if it was just the MEPS I was at being incompetent in utilizing it, but I overheard our medical examiner express frustration because half of the people who were there with me on ship out day didn't even have files in the system at all. I highly doubt anyone reading this is seriously considering military, but if you are and you were worried about this I'd still say that as long as you weren't treated within TRICARE facilities, you'd probably still have a good shot of sneaking past MEPS so long as you lie your ass off even if you had prior mental or physical health diagnoses that aren't severe enough for their medical examination to pick up.

Air Force BMT was hell and a time I'll probably always look back on with bittersweet memories. I had some of the highest highs I've ever had as well as some of the lowest lows. Some joke it's "the most fun you never want to have again," and I can see why. Still, because it's a shared experience you will almost certainly develop some form of bond with your flight and dorm mates. Obviously we didn't all like each other, but I have made the first actual friends I've made in a long time. I have talked to some of them since getting out. The environment forced me out of the bubble I had trapped myself in for so long, and in that sense I definitely got one of the things I had hoped to out of it.

Unfortunately, I stumbled at the finish line.

See, I wasn't in as good a shape as I probably should have been heading into BMT. I had done some working out but I should have done… Well… MORE working out before hand. I wound up messing up my hip pretty badly and this kept me out of PT Training, which derailed my progress. I failed my PT Testing with my original flight. They tried to reassure me, but I felt I failed them. I couldn't get out of my own head after that. I also never quite clicked with my new flight. I began messing up like I was back in Week 0. It was awful. I… Don't think I would have passed my PT re-test even if I had gotten the chance to retake it, but maybe I would have… I can meet the push up and sit up thresholds but I'm not sure about the run.

Ultimately though, I didn't have that chance.

As the 2nd PT Test was approaching I was told I had to talk with… I forget the acronym… But it was basically the guys who vet people whose jobs require secret and top secret clearances, which my job required. The guy I spoke with told me that when he talked to my old employer he was told about a self-described "mental health leave" I took and he wanted to talk to me about it. Honestly… I probably could have lied my way out of it but… I don't know if it was guilt or stress or what, but I told them everything from my suicidal ideation to me voluntarily going to the hospital. He thanked me for that moment of honesty but said I showed a lack of integrity, blahblahblah, and arranged for me to get a mental health screening. They determined I wasn't an immediate risk to myself or others but they still recommended that I be placed in med-hold and separated. That was it. It was over.

While in med-hold however, I got a glimmer of hope. The USAF has a program known as DRIVE that they are trying to extend to BMT failures with high ASVAB scores or other such qualifications, and I indeed did qualify for it. The program is meant to transition airmen into the civilian sector of military service. They put you in a hotel, pay for housing once found, and try to get you a job, preferably at JBSA Lackland or Fort Sam but they can accommodate you getting a job in the general Texas area.

Unfortunately, that hasn't panned out for me either.

They assured me that I could land a specific job after going over my qualifications. Due to an oversight on their part, it turned out I wasn't qualified for it. So no military civilian job for me. I found a factory job but it wasn't a good fit and they cut ties with me after about 3 weeks. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough, I don't know anymore. No job = no apartment = I'm now trying to figure out where I go from here as the program is about to cut me loose entirely.

I really don't know what to do, or if I even want to try and do anything anymore. This year was the hardest I've actually tried in a long, long, long ass time and it feels like ultimately I just went back over to the go space on a monopoly board but don't get to collect 200 dollars ever. It's absolutely frustrating feeling like I put in all this time, work, effort, and a fair bit of money too quite frankly, only to end up ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way back to where I started. I feel myself trapped back in my bubble. It feels like any progress I had this year has unraveled. I just… I don't even know anymore.

Thanks for reading this rambling, vent, whatever it is. I'm looking for… Guidance? Words of wisdom? Reassurance? Again, I'm so lost I don't know anymore but I'm also open to answering questions about this experience as a whole. I think the main reason for this post though is just to not feel like I'm simply screaming into the void and actually let all out there…

Goddamn, that sucks. The military is really antiquated and rigid about mental illness. I'm sorry you went through all that. I never had the guts to try.

Life is full of so many dead ends. It's infuriating to sink all your hopes into something just to have it go belly up. I have been there. I spent my entire undergrad preparing for a PhD program only to end up dropping out of what I thought was my dream program. Now, I'm working a job that only requires a GED! That's 7 years total down the drain and counting.

Explaining these circumstances to people can be extremely humiliating, but I have found comradery in people with similar situations at community college. I'm not the only near-30-something having to go back and take classes for a complete 180 career change. People don't like to talk about their fuckups, but once you get their guard down and ask around, you will find more people who have taken the scenic route, so to speak, career-wise. Hearing their stories doesn't fix my problems, but I feel a hell of a lot less like a clown afterwards.

Idk why they let you go, but I think you could have dodged a bullet with that factory job, which I have heard can be really awful. I was fired from my last job, but it was through no fault of my own in a shitty industry (call center) under a micromanaging boss in an unethical company. I am better off where I am now even if it looks worse on paper. I hope you can find something else soon that's better for you.

 

[MellowAvenue]

Goddamn, that sucks. The military is really antiquated and rigid about mental illness. I'm sorry you went through all that. I never had the guts to try.

They are, but I can understand why. Suicide rates amongst military men are largely going up so they're trying to figure out ways to address it and trying to keep already at risk people out is one of those ways. They also probably don't wanna have to pay the health care cost some of those individuals may eventually require and don't want to be liable for them. I don't think it's entirely the right way to handle it, I personally think they should have allowed me to continue my training when they determined I wasn't an immediate risk, but it is what it is I guess.

Explaining these circumstances to people can be extremely humiliating, but I have found comradery in people with similar situations at community college. I'm not the only near-30-something having to go back and take classes for a complete 180 career change. People don't like to talk about their fuckups, but once you get their guard down and ask around, you will find more people who have taken the scenic route, so to speak, career-wise. Hearing their stories doesn't fix my problems, but I feel a hell of a lot less like a clown afterwards.

Yeah, I've had similar experiences. It always helps to hear others humble themselves a bit to help you realize it isn't just you.

Idk why they let you go, but I think you could have dodged a bullet with that factory job

Oh, to a degree I knew I did. I worked in a factory before all this but a different kind of one. My old field was textiles but this was a door making company. Truthfully… It made me realize I had it made at the textile mill, shitty hours aside.

I was fired from my last job, but it was through no fault of my own in a shitty industry (call center) under a micromanaging boss in an unethical company. I am better off where I am now even if it looks worse on paper. I hope you can find something else soon that's better for you.

I've heard call centers are hell. Glad to hear you're better off and thanks for all the kind words! Hope your paper starts to look better too!