Just A Post

[Mi Mi]

On Thursday I went to an interview for a restaurant.
On arrival I didn't feel good about it and my gut was saying maybe I should leave.
But the manager was nice and we agreed to starting me as a hostess part time.
I start Monday.

Then Friday I went to an interview that I forgot about.
A housekeeping position for a Jewish organization.
On arrival I definitely picked up some bad energy from the woman assisting me.
But I pushed passed it.
That manager seemed nice and Is willing to work with me on my other part time job.
It's understood that I don't have a set schedule yet but will try to work it out because she knows both if them hired me.

I don't think it's going to work but I'm trying to remind myself for someone who has no desire to live and heartbroken I'm doing my best.

Once I got home I just sat and stared.
So much anxiety to start over.
Will I be able to keep my place and car.
Will I be able to afford a hotel if I lose my place.

Anger comes over me because I question God do you see me.
Why wasn't I allowed to come home.
Why am I so stupid.

Then I start playing the blame game and blaming everyone around me and myself.

Then I start going back over different methods and trying to see if I just keep searching maybe I'll find something.

I'm so exhausted.

I really don't want the SN method.
I'm overwhelmed by the information.
The process.
The inability to get and trust a source.
The idea of ingesting makes me nauseous.
Also increases that feeling of being stupid and dumb because it feels like everyone around me gets it.

I thought about CO.
I often fantasize about sitting in my car with a portable generator and just drifting off.
Being found in my car days later is actually comforting to me.

Then I think I'm gonna have to tap into my gangsta and jump from a building.
I think if a beauty queen can do it so can I.
I'm the girl who drank antifreeze.
Surely I can jump from a building.

My brain never shuts off.
Then it doesn't work when I need to remember something.

I'm trying to relax and remind my that even if it feels like I'm not doing enough I really am.
I'm doing all I can do.

I even signed up for door dash and a cuddling job.

Just waiting to hear back.

I'm really grateful for this site.
Atleast here I can really let out my thoughts.

I often cry because I used to want to loved so bad.
I wanted to be normal.

Now I don't want anything.
I just wanna no longer exist.

I no longer crave love or understanding.
I just wanna be done.
4 decades of failure is enough.

 

[whywere]

Howdy!

1st off you are NEVER EVER stupid EVER. At the age of 68 if anyone is stupid it is me, hands down, believe me.

2nd, I wish, I will not be here, that universal income takes hold all over the world for good. As humans progress, unless we blow ourselves up, overpopulate or pollution, with machines and AI, we will get there. Kind of like in star type movies, where money and collecting wealth is a thing of the past.

Reading your thread, made me think about myself and all through the decades, and I 100% believe that you will do good. You are kind, loving and thoughtful, qualities that are so enduring to have. I started out homeless and hungry at 18 in 1974, I am still working by the way, and especially after being on here and seeing so many different walks of life from around the globe, I feel kindness on here and I hope that you do to.

We are ALL the same, hopes, dreams and desires. As far as ctb goes, that is a purely personal decision that nobody should have influence over but oneself. It is one and done and no turning back or do overs ever. Ctb is neither right or wrong, it is totally up to the individual.

I like anyone who gets older, could write a novel on all my experiences through the decades and still I believe in the goodness and love that is within a person, like YOU!

Lots of love, huge hugs, and lovely bright blue skies for you to enjoy.

Walter

 

[Olisop21.]

I really wish I wasn't here. I wish I ctb yesterday.

 

[Mi Mi]

Howdy!

1st off you are NEVER EVER stupid EVER. At the age of 68 if anyone is stupid it is me, hands down, believe me.

2nd, I wish, I will not be here, that universal income takes hold all over the world for good. As humans progress, unless we blow ourselves up, overpopulate or pollution, with machines and AI, we will get there. Kind of like in star type movies, where money and collecting wealth is a thing of the past.

Reading your thread, made me think about myself and all through the decades, and I 100% believe that you will do good. You are kind, loving and thoughtful, qualities that are so enduring to have. I started out homeless and hungry at 18 in 1974, I am still working by the way, and especially after being on here and seeing so many different walks of life from around the globe, I feel kindness on here and I hope that you do to.

We are ALL the same, hopes, dreams and desires. As far as ctb goes, that is a purely personal decision that nobody should have influence over but oneself. It is one and done and no turning back or do overs ever. Ctb is neither right or wrong, it is totally up to the individual.

I like anyone who gets older, could write a novel on all my experiences through the decades and still I believe in the goodness and love that is within a person, like YOU!

Lots of love, huge hugs, and lovely bright blue skies for you to enjoy.

Walter

Wow
Thankyou

I really wish I wasn't here. I wish I ctb yesterday.

Very relatable.
I think about it all day long.
Every day.

 

[Raven2]

Despite the fact you say you dont want to be here you are trying your hardest so try not to be too hard on yourself mimi. I hope you will find a way to make life a bit more bearable while you are still here. Sending u hugs in this lonely world

 

[Mi Mi]

Despite the fact you say you dont want to be here you are trying your hardest so try not to be too hard on yourself mimi. I hope you will find a way to make life a bit more bearable while you are still here. Sending u hugs in this lonely world

Thankyou

 

[Throwawayacc3]

On Thursday I went to an interview for a restaurant.
On arrival I didn't feel good about it and my gut was saying maybe I should leave.
But the manager was nice and we agreed to starting me as a hostess part time.
I start Monday.

Then Friday I went to an interview that I forgot about.
A housekeeping position for a Jewish organization.
On arrival I definitely picked up some bad energy from the woman assisting me.
But I pushed passed it.
That manager seemed nice and Is willing to work with me on my other part time job.
It's understood that I don't have a set schedule yet but will try to work it out because she knows both if them hired me.

I don't think it's going to work but I'm trying to remind myself for someone who has no desire to live and heartbroken I'm doing my best.

Once I got home I just sat and stared.
So much anxiety to start over.
Will I be able to keep my place and car.
Will I be able to afford a hotel if I lose my place.

Anger comes over me because I question God do you see me.
Why wasn't I allowed to come home.
Why am I so stupid.

Then I start playing the blame game and blaming everyone around me and myself.

Then I start going back over different methods and trying to see if I just keep searching maybe I'll find something.

I'm so exhausted.

I really don't want the SN method.
I'm overwhelmed by the information.
The process.
The inability to get and trust a source.
The idea of ingesting makes me nauseous.
Also increases that feeling of being stupid and dumb because it feels like everyone around me gets it.

I thought about CO.
I often fantasize about sitting in my car with a portable generator and just drifting off.
Being found in my car days later is actually comforting to me.

Then I think I'm gonna have to tap into my gangsta and jump from a building.
I think if a beauty queen can do it so can I.
I'm the girl who drank antifreeze.
Surely I can jump from a building.

My brain never shuts off.
Then it doesn't work when I need to remember something.

I'm trying to relax and remind my that even if it feels like I'm not doing enough I really am.
I'm doing all I can do.

I even signed up for door dash and a cuddling job.

Just waiting to hear back.

I'm really grateful for this site.
Atleast here I can really let out my thoughts.

I often cry because I used to want to loved so bad.
I wanted to be normal.

Now I don't want anything.
I just wanna no longer exist.

I no longer crave love or understanding.
I just wanna be done.
4 decades of failure is enough.

Quick note about the car thing. Last year I was looking for tubes and stuff (I wasn't thinking straight). I started to look up the make and model of my car and the emissions. If it's a newish car (not older than say 10-14 years) then there is a high chance the emissions aren't as bad as you think (plus most will have a catalytic converter). You'll get a massive thumping headache most likely.

 

[Mi Mi]

Quick note about the car thing. Last year I was looking for tubes and stuff (I wasn't thinking straight). I started to look up the make and model of my car and the emissions. If it's a newish car (not older than say 10-14 years) then there is a high chance the emissions aren't as bad as you think (plus most will have a catalytic converter). You'll get a massive thumping headache most likely.

Oh I know that.
The CO would come from a portable generator that uses gasoline.
Or you could use a gasoline operated water pump.
I refer to it as the Conrad method.
Do you know of the story of Michelle Carter. She did time for assisting her bf into going through with his suicide.
But the generator has to meet certain requirements as well and I'm afraid I'll choose the wrong one.
They have put certain features on some to help prevent poisoning but it's not completely impossible, many still die from using generators while camping or to Power their home.