Venting Jus came back from a failed attempt

[ForestLove]

I came back from a failed OD attempt.
I was hospitalised for 4 days.
Vomited non-stop for 1 full day.
My husband told my family about it.
My parents visited me everyday and I was surprised they were non-judgemental at all.
They told me not to worry and they will take good care of me.
Had a good chat with the medical social worker for 2 days. I even made her cry. She seriously hoped I dun take my life again.

1 day post-discharge, I woke up brawling my eyes out. My parents came and visit me and cook porridge for me. They stayed with me for 5hrs. Told me not to worry. I was feeling "happy" for this short moment.

After they went back, I cried uncontrollably for few hours. Still feeling very suicidal and guilt.

Sent many texts to my husband wanting to go. He thought i have recovered after the hospital stay. He became depressed. It affects him too much until his boss asked him to take a break from work. He was very disappointed that we are back to square 1 again. I have given him no hopes again. Shouldn't have told him my wish.

I'm a lost cause.

I lost myself, again.

I dunno what to do with my Life anymore.

I wanna be happy.

But it seems like I cannot be happy anymore.

Yesterday was our 14th year Anniversary.

Should I let him go and kms OR stay with him even though I'm a lost cause?

To love is to let him go....

 

[Final Escape]

I came back from a failed OD attempt.
I was hospitalised for 4 days.
Vomited non-stop for 1 full day.
My husband told my family about it.
My parents visited me everyday and I was surprised they were non-judgemental at all.
They told me not to worry and they will take good care of me.
Had a good chat with the medical social worker for 2 days. I even made her cry. She seriously hoped I dun take my life again.

1 day post-discharge, I woke up brawling my eyes out. My parents came and visit me and cook porridge for me. They stayed with me for 5hrs. Told me not to worry. I was feeling "happy" for this short moment.

After they went back, I cried uncontrollably for few hours. Still feeling very suicidal and guilt.

Sent many texts to my husband wanting to go. He thought i have recovered after the hospital stay. He became depressed. It affects him too much until his boss asked him to take a break from work. He was very disappointed that we are back to square 1 again. I have given him no hopes again. Shouldn't have told him my wish.

I'm a lost cause.

I lost myself, again.

I dunno what to do with my Life anymore.

I wanna be happy.

But it seems like I cannot be happy anymore.

Yesterday was our 14th year Anniversary.

Should I let him go and kms OR stay with him even though I'm a lost cause?

To love is to let him go....

Marriage is suppose to be for life, but I understand the guilt you feel for struggling to find meaning and fulfillment. You feel guilty that he isn't enough to inspire you to keep on living so you think it's better to let him go. What else is bothering you that is causing you to hate being alive?

 

[ForestLove]

Marriage is suppose to be for life, but I understand the guilt you feel for struggling to find meaning and fulfillment. You feel guilty that he isn't enough to inspire you to keep on living so you think it's better to let him go. What else is bothering you that is causing you to hate being alive?

Thanks for replying. Really appreciate it.

He thought his deep unconditional love for me would make me feel hopeful.

After an illness, I hated myself.

I failed myself and as a wife.

He deserves much better person and treatment.

I thought we could hold hands together when growing old.

I don't deserve him at all.

I have been mentally torturing him for the past 6mths. He doesn't deserve such treatment at all.

I thought i could recover.

But I have been to the 18th level of Hell ever since.

I feel too much..i jus want the pain to stop.

 

[Tncfef]

thats why OD is a bad way to ctb.

 

[ForestLove]

thats why OD is a bad way to ctb.

I have no other methods to try.. I dun like violent methods like jumping or hanging even though they are one of the few methods to CTB in my restricted country..

The psychiatrist even asked me where I learned this OD method from..LOL

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm so sorry, ForestLove. That sounds like a horrible experience and a wretched return.

I've come to realize that most people don't understand that it isn't necessarily that we don't feel loved, it's that we're broken in some other way. My mother and sister can't understand how their love isn't enough to make me want to live. Yes, I know they love me --that isn't the problem.

Family telling you they love you, and then wondering why that doesn't make all the difference, can be like throwing a drowning man a pair of ping-pong balls and wondering why he can't stay afloat.

 

[ForestLove]

I'm so sorry, ForestLove. That sounds like a horrible experience and a wretched return.

I've come to realize that most people don't understand that it isn't necessarily that we don't feel loved, it's that we're broken in some other way. My mother and sister can't understand how their love isn't enough to make me want to live. Yes, I know they love me --that isn't the problem.

Family telling you they love you, and then wondering why that doesn't make all the difference, can be like throwing a drowning man a pair of ping-pong balls and wondering why he can't stay afloat.

Thanks for replying, TiredHorse.

I do have unconditional love from my family, husband, friends and even my employer and strangers....

They never give up on me.

They want me to be happy again.

But they can't feel the deep pain in my heart..from mental to physical pain..I guess I have become too broken to be fixed.

I feel sad that I have come to this stage of my Life which I have never ever thought it will happen.

I feel very sorry for my husband and parents.......

Maybe I should jump tomoro..

 

[TiredHorse]

I have become too broken to be fixed.

This is how I feel, too. Especially this morning; I'm really feeling how impossible any good future is.

The magic mirror of life shattered, and there's no putting it back together.

I'm so sorry. I wish you could find what you needed to want to live.

 

[MachineGunDani]

I'm sorry for ur experience, it def doesn't help ur situation. I can relate about family being supportive but it still doesn't get better. And I'm mentally draining my bf as well with my mental mess. Feeling guilty for that makes everything worse too bc u feel pressure to feel better but it still just doesn't happen. I hope ur physically feeling better at least! Hugs!

 

[Xerxes]

You always thought with love and support that the weight is lifted off your back? No, that's not the case, because even with all that, our minds are broken, the guilt weighs us down, and slowly one by one love and support leave us an empty shell. Then that would be the time to CTB. I go through the motions of questioning whether I should divorce my wife, give her everything including finances or continue to live and feel guilty that I making her hurt more by not getting better. They all mean well in their intentions and I wish I wasn't such a fuck-up that I can't meet their expectations.

My mind tells me that if I CTB now, I'll save them all a lifetime of pain from being alive and dealing with my shit all the time. My mind tells me if I CTB now, then she'll have time to recover and meet someone else who will give her everything her heart desired without the baggage. I hope that there is no memory of me in them.

 

[Moms_Spaghetti]

What did you try to OD with?

 

[NotWorthLiving]

Hey. @ForestLove I'm so sorry for that experience. I have no idea what to say to try and help but just know that if you need someone to talk to we're all here...

 

[ForestLove]

I'm sorry for ur experience, it def doesn't help ur situation. I can relate about family being supportive but it still doesn't get better. And I'm mentally draining my bf as well with my mental mess. Feeling guilty for that makes everything worse too bc u feel pressure to feel better but it still just doesn't happen. I hope ur physically feeling better at least! Hugs!

Sorry to hear these from you too.

I feel very sad for my husband that even his boss noticed his bad mood and behaviour at work..asked him to take a break from work and go see Psychiatrist. My husband is actually a very mentally strong and resilient person since young. He did not have a good childhood. And yet I am causing him to breakdown too..

 

[ForestLove]

You always thought with love and support that the weight is lifted off your back? No, that's not the case, because even with all that, our minds are broken, the guilt weighs us down, and slowly one by one love and support leave us an empty shell. Then that would be the time to CTB. I go through the motions of questioning whether I should divorce my wife, give her everything including finances or continue to live and feel guilty that I making her hurt more by not getting better. They all mean well in their intentions and I wish I wasn't such a fuck-up that I can't meet their expectations.

My mind tells me that if I CTB now, I'll save them all a lifetime of pain from being alive and dealing with my shit all the time. My mind tells me if I CTB now, then she'll have time to recover and meet someone else who will give her everything her heart desired without the baggage. I hope that there is no memory of me in them.

Hi Xerxes,

Very sorry that you are having the dilemma...

My husband even asked for a divorce if that is what I wanted..or I see no future in us. This is the first time he said such thing. Divorce is a serious matter. Not a joke.

Like what u have said, maybe or should I break free of him to let him be free and happy while I CTB? At least he can go find another woman who would cherish him. I feel so sad that things have to come to this way. This is never what I imagined my life would become. Maybe my passing would ease my pain and let everyone be happy.

Should we stay for our loved ones or leave forever?

 

[ForestLove]

What did you try to OD with?

Silly pills..i don't have many options.

 

[Xerxes]

Hi Xerxes,



Should we stay for our loved ones or leave forever?

I'm sorry about your predicament as well. I don't know or believe if time will heal all, but I've seen it happen. If it's any solace, yes your husband and my wife will find someone new to begin life again. I've always thought that the number of years you've known a person = the amount of time it takes to forget that person. Some emotions and minds work quicker. A lot of men never forget things, they carry the guilt forever. Some women too. It all depends on how well you know your SO. I know mine pretty well that if I kill myself, she'll be at peace and can find her forever-husband.

But now my dilemma is playing with my will to CTB since my wife wants to have children with me. Ugh, my heart is being pulled in all directions and my mind is being renewed with more self-criticisms.

 

[ForestLove]

A lot of men never forget things, they carry the guilt forever. Some women too. It all depends on how well you know your SO. I know mine pretty well that if I kill myself, she'll be at peace and can find her forever-husband.

But now my dilemma is playing with my will to CTB since my wife wants to have children with me. Ugh, my heart is being pulled in all directions and my mind is being renewed with more self-criticisms.

Sorry to only reply until now..

We had a heated argument after I was discharged from hospital and I sent him many msgs. He asked me, "So you want to let you kill yourself again without letting your family knows?" I didn't reply his qns.

The reason why I chose to kms is becoz I don't see any hope in me though my husband sees a future in us. I always think he deserves better. I believe he can find a better someone after i died. (I didn't tell him these yet). Plus I wanna show him and others that my depression & suicidal is real and I'm not joking.

So how about you? How's your dilemma getting along?