jumping success rate?

[worthless creature]

i was able to get keep going for a bit, i met someone and they made me feel loved. fast forward 3 months and they told me they do this all the time. they fall in love, love bomb, and then get distant and drive people away.

i have had a long fight with my suicidality and bpd. after my last almost 2 year long relationship i attempted 2 times. i've moved states now and no one close to me knows really where i live.

tomorrow is my birthday, my girlfriend hasn't reached out or replied to anything in almost a week. we've been planning to do something nice for my birthday because i haven't celebrated it since i was 14 (something always happens. my last one when i was 14 my mother tried to kill herself in front of me, so i never have tried again since then).

i feel like my life is crumbling and everything we've planned for the future. 3 months from now, a year from now, and talking about us growing old i felt like i really had a chance to be happy.

she came over and threw away my SN and anything else i could use to OD i've stored up over the last year.

now i feel so empty, everything i was hoping in life i had and just like that it's gone of no fault of mine. i am resorting to partial suspension or jumping off the bridge here where i live. it's 400 ft down to the water.

when i've OD i lose consciousness and then sadly wake up in the Emergency Department. im looking for answers if that height is tall enough, i don't fear pain. but i worry i will finally feel something painful when i hit the water or worst case scenario down. i guess im just looking for answers to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow.

 

[encore]

to answer the question in your title: i don't see any purpose in maintaining my life if i can't love someone and be loved. life is dull. i don't understand what big joy there is in life spent alone, to me everything else feels like a meaningless time filler. what's waiting for me in the future? a worse looking and feeling body, wars, recession, working myself to death and having no time for myself? what is the point in all of that without love, just getting high off some cheap dopamine i can barely afford?

i dunno how people manage to find purpose when there's nobody to share their life with. i guess everyone is different because if i could choose to die right now, i would. i lost the only person i truly loved and now nothing means anything anymore. i don't see worth in my hobbies or learning things or seeing things if i will be experiencing it completely alone. it doesn't make me happy in a meaningful way.