raindrops
Someday, eventually
- Mar 29, 2020
- 447
I'm just going to type this, I don't think anyone will read it... I can only hope so I'm just wondering if anyone here has an idea or an answer, I'm sorry to ask but I just want to make sure of something before I do it.
I want to leave this planet, this life I do not want anymore but I am afraid of hanging, cutting or swallowing a shit load of pills so I have chosen to jump from a cliff, this is the best option for me so all I need now is the courage to do it, I'm just uncertain, my question really is will I definitely die? The cliff is 104m, 341ft and I am around 8st 9lb, around 5ft'4... would the height of the cliff & my weight be enough to finish me off once I hit the ground? or could I end up surviving possibly just bleeding out for some time? This could be internal bleeding right?! Then I might break just my back? What damage could be done from this height, surely death? Could I be there for at least 30 minutes in pain, slowly dying or would it be instant? This place as you could imagine is where people walk their dogs, its a beautiful spot and a lady in her 50's jumped from the cliff and died instantly she was heavier than me I imagine, so does your weight make a difference?
There's a car park nearby and I plan to leave a note on someone's car telling my name and my reason for jumping. I will check the compass to see what side I will jump and write that in the letter before I jump so they know if it was the North, East, South, West side of the cliff I fell, I do want to be found! Just not found while I'm trying to leave the planet!!
Below the cliff is a beach, its rocky, there's shrubs growing out from the cliff edge so its not really a vertical drop on to the rocks and this worries me, the sea comes in/out fast so I know I would be washed away but then again I'll wash up somewhere or be found by fishermen or when I washup onto another beach. How is that selfish? I control my life so I am in control of ending it. It's not my family who will find me anyway I don't even have family. Whoever finds me will get over it eventually, they will probably get time off work thanks to me so either way we all win here. They wont really care, in the end they will forget and at the very least I'll be some sort of a conversation starter. If the person who finds me will remember which they will for no more than a month, time will pass, they will forget, they will heal. I cant heal, time will pass my life will get worse, I want to do it this way but only if I definitely will die. If I wanted to hang myself I couldn't I don't have anywhere in mind I could do it peacefully. The cliff will be a quicker way out.
My life is worthless I know people have it worse but here's some of my reasons to go... I lost my mother when I was 14, I am 26 now, my father left me when I was a baby probably no more than 8 months old when he left. I met him again when I was 18 , I struggle to call him dad because he never bothers with me. He does hard drugs and is a criminal so I wouldn't want a relationship with him it would only be another problem to add to all my other problems. My sisters left to be with their dad when my mother died so I asked him my so called step dad, I asked "could I be apart of the family as I only have my grandmother no other family" I cried asking him that, his answer to it was "you know you're not in our family, you're not my child!" this was said only 2 weeks after my mother died, I was only 14 he never bothered with me after, no invite to have dinner with my sisters like I was use to before mum died, no invite to be apart of school photos, nothing. They now live a boat and 2 trains away from me! I have no money to visit and when they moved for some reason their father never told us the address so my grandmother and I could never send cards or presents. I haven't seen my sisters now in 5 years we only communicate briefly so it feels like there is no relationship.
I met my now ex partner when I was 15, I spent 11 years with him...he's the only person I have had sex with or done anything with (the same for him) I spent 7 years living in his family home, 3 years living as "adults" together. I couldn't stay home when I was 15, it was a horrible environment so I was so so happy I met him, he saved me from a shitty home life, he shown me what family was. When I was 14 until I was 24 my grandmother was basically an alcoholic she didn't take losing her daughter my mother very well, it was so scary she would try creep into my room and start fights I couldn't wait to be away from her, everyday was torture for me, she would start drinking around lunchtime, she would get so nasty, so scary I was happy to run to my boyfriend at the age of 15 and live with him, even though it was basically sleepovers it felt like I lived there.
I mentioned living with my partner as adults for 3 years, our flat was beautiful, I made it so homely, he did love it I know that much, but I think after a while he was unhappy, I think with my mental health I pushed him away. How could some walk away after 11 years? After everything. I'll be honest I could cry over the smallest things and argue about his family and why they never bother with him I assumed so much. On the 7th of March I came home from work I was back in our comfortable, perfect flat...all of his personal belongings had gone! He was ignoring my calls/texts I was so scared he had left me and I was right.
I want to leave this planet, this life I do not want anymore but I am afraid of hanging, cutting or swallowing a shit load of pills so I have chosen to jump from a cliff, this is the best option for me so all I need now is the courage to do it, I'm just uncertain, my question really is will I definitely die? The cliff is 104m, 341ft and I am around 8st 9lb, around 5ft'4... would the height of the cliff & my weight be enough to finish me off once I hit the ground? or could I end up surviving possibly just bleeding out for some time? This could be internal bleeding right?! Then I might break just my back? What damage could be done from this height, surely death? Could I be there for at least 30 minutes in pain, slowly dying or would it be instant? This place as you could imagine is where people walk their dogs, its a beautiful spot and a lady in her 50's jumped from the cliff and died instantly she was heavier than me I imagine, so does your weight make a difference?
There's a car park nearby and I plan to leave a note on someone's car telling my name and my reason for jumping. I will check the compass to see what side I will jump and write that in the letter before I jump so they know if it was the North, East, South, West side of the cliff I fell, I do want to be found! Just not found while I'm trying to leave the planet!!
Below the cliff is a beach, its rocky, there's shrubs growing out from the cliff edge so its not really a vertical drop on to the rocks and this worries me, the sea comes in/out fast so I know I would be washed away but then again I'll wash up somewhere or be found by fishermen or when I washup onto another beach. How is that selfish? I control my life so I am in control of ending it. It's not my family who will find me anyway I don't even have family. Whoever finds me will get over it eventually, they will probably get time off work thanks to me so either way we all win here. They wont really care, in the end they will forget and at the very least I'll be some sort of a conversation starter. If the person who finds me will remember which they will for no more than a month, time will pass, they will forget, they will heal. I cant heal, time will pass my life will get worse, I want to do it this way but only if I definitely will die. If I wanted to hang myself I couldn't I don't have anywhere in mind I could do it peacefully. The cliff will be a quicker way out.
My life is worthless I know people have it worse but here's some of my reasons to go... I lost my mother when I was 14, I am 26 now, my father left me when I was a baby probably no more than 8 months old when he left. I met him again when I was 18 , I struggle to call him dad because he never bothers with me. He does hard drugs and is a criminal so I wouldn't want a relationship with him it would only be another problem to add to all my other problems. My sisters left to be with their dad when my mother died so I asked him my so called step dad, I asked "could I be apart of the family as I only have my grandmother no other family" I cried asking him that, his answer to it was "you know you're not in our family, you're not my child!" this was said only 2 weeks after my mother died, I was only 14 he never bothered with me after, no invite to have dinner with my sisters like I was use to before mum died, no invite to be apart of school photos, nothing. They now live a boat and 2 trains away from me! I have no money to visit and when they moved for some reason their father never told us the address so my grandmother and I could never send cards or presents. I haven't seen my sisters now in 5 years we only communicate briefly so it feels like there is no relationship.
I met my now ex partner when I was 15, I spent 11 years with him...he's the only person I have had sex with or done anything with (the same for him) I spent 7 years living in his family home, 3 years living as "adults" together. I couldn't stay home when I was 15, it was a horrible environment so I was so so happy I met him, he saved me from a shitty home life, he shown me what family was. When I was 14 until I was 24 my grandmother was basically an alcoholic she didn't take losing her daughter my mother very well, it was so scary she would try creep into my room and start fights I couldn't wait to be away from her, everyday was torture for me, she would start drinking around lunchtime, she would get so nasty, so scary I was happy to run to my boyfriend at the age of 15 and live with him, even though it was basically sleepovers it felt like I lived there.
I mentioned living with my partner as adults for 3 years, our flat was beautiful, I made it so homely, he did love it I know that much, but I think after a while he was unhappy, I think with my mental health I pushed him away. How could some walk away after 11 years? After everything. I'll be honest I could cry over the smallest things and argue about his family and why they never bother with him I assumed so much. On the 7th of March I came home from work I was back in our comfortable, perfect flat...all of his personal belongings had gone! He was ignoring my calls/texts I was so scared he had left me and I was right.
