Discussion Joy of Raising/Having Kids - Whether Biological or Foster Ones - please share!

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello friends,

I don't have kids and will never do - I'm 100% infertile since birth and I don't have a plan to be a foster parent because I can't even support myself and still dependent on my parents. And I know "joy of having kids" is an uncommon, or perhaps an unpopular idea here - there are many anti-natalists on this forum.

I don't know what it's like to raise kids, but there could be immense joy in it I guess. Of course I know it's hard - extremely hard - and sometimes parental responsibility could be a full-on torture, but this time I want to see the bright side (and this is Recovery section.)

I've seen several parents struggle on this forum, but I think it doesn't have to be that way.

* Note: I'm not a pro-lifer who tries to push the belief that procreation is good. I don't intend to force anybody anything. Disagreeing is okay but please don't fight each other - the last thing I want to see here are ostracized parents.
And if you think I offended somebody please let me know. Thank you.

 

[ChildrensITV]

Imagine hating life but bringing more unwilling people into this life.

Ironically, anyone here who is in a position to have and support kids must have a somewhat decent life. I am not saying things are easy for parents but if you have a home, job and money to raise kids with, you're not doing too badly.

Anyway, most posters here are like 19, so they're not thinking about kids yet.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Imagine hating life but bringing more unwilling people into this life.

Thank you for responding and my mom actually did this - she told me she has been suicidal since childhood and she gave birth to me thinking she could change if she had had somebody to defend - but she didn't change and sank into depression when I was 8. I was severely bullied then and my memory was totally messed up - I don't remember what happened but since then I'm suicidal.

Ironically, anyone here who is in a position to have and support kids must have a somewhat decent life. I am not saying things are easy for parents but if you have a home, job and money to raise kids with, you're not doing too badly.

I don't know much about facts and statistics on this topic, and I actually feel like this is true.
Personally I can't adopt a child because I don't have money and other resources to raise them.
And yes I might be an extremely lucky one - now I have a chance to recover even though I once was a total mental wreck.

Anyway, most posters here are like 19, so they're not thinking about kids yet.

I agree, most people here don't have kids or aren't thinking about them, but I saw some active members who are parents, and I just wanted to hear how suicidal parents are feeling.

I'm sorry if the idea of this thread, "joy of having children" sounds somewhat invalidating to you and some members. But I don't think it's against the forum rules...
Thank you for reading.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I don't have kids but I always thought one day I would adopt a child and give them a good life, watch them grow and find happiness in their unique interests.

I'm 29 so the topic of having kids has appeared between me and my boyfriend. He always wanted biological children but now that he is going through problems with his mental health, he is second guessing himself.

This is all to say that I also want to hear about good experiences of having kids. I've already heard about all the bad side so I'd like to know the good side, especially from people that have mental illnesses problems in the family. Did that affect the child?

I know my family has history of suicide and bipolar, possibly schizophrenia, so I'd like to know.

 

[ChildrensITV]

Thank you for responding and my mom actually did this - she told me she has been suicidal since childhood and she gave birth to me thinking she could change if she had had somebody to defend - but she didn't change and sank into depression when I was 8. I was severely bullied then and my memory was totally messed up - I don't remember what happened but since then I'm suicidal.


I don't know much about facts and statistics on this topic, and I actually feel like this is true.
Personally I can't adopt a child because I don't have money and other resources to raise them.
And yes I might be an extremely lucky one - now I have a chance to recover even though I once was a total mental wreck.


I agree, most people here don't have kids or aren't thinking about them, but I saw some active members who are parents, and I just wanted to hear how suicidal parents are feeling.

I'm sorry if the idea of this thread, "joy of having children" sounds somewhat invalidating to you and some members. But I don't think it's against the forum rules...
Thank you for reading.

You're welcome. Sorry for sounding moody. I am just depressed.

 

[Redacted24]

Hi, I have three biologically. They're teens or near teen age, boys and girl.
Being a parent is a life changing event.
Your old life atrophies away and you become subsumed into parent stuff, pretty much all the time. It's difficult to find the balance, especially when the children are in the gap between 7ish and teenage years. You watch more paw patrol and kid movies - grown up things fall by the wayside. You'll deal with the homework crises (kid in tears because they struggle with the subject), things in their lives (my friend didn't invite me to their party) and all the rest.
It can be exhausting.
But...
You'll also get to see them grow as people, see their individual personalities gel before your eyes. You'll be able to see your influence. Be surprised when they come up with a joke or funny saying.
And they'll cut you too, especially as teens. Patience!
And hopefully find their way as healthy, successful, kind, caring adult humans.
Some of them will not. That's hard. One of mine doesn't give me the time of day. Yeah it hurts but "you do you, little man"
But I still keep those times at the pool, playing a game, toy car races, etc in my memory.
I would not want those memories erased, even though that child has no use for me anymore.

I miss my pre parent life. A lot. But I would not undo those years to get it back.
Not sure if this helps.
Sorry to all who would disagree. Please be kind with me. I'm trying.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I know my family has history of suicide and bipolar, possibly schizophrenia, so I'd like to know.

While these have a genetic aspect, there's also a huge environmental aspect, so if you're doing well you can probably raise a kid with a fulfilling life.

Unfortunately trauma is usually passed on. My mother was suicidal at some point, and it made me so anxious because I was too young to be dealing with that. The biggest problem was that they didn't support me through mine.

Also, cultural expectations really fucked me up. Some really small things that you don't realize are bad as a kid you realize messed you up later, like my parents never being around because of workaholism and while extreme independence was there, so was loneliness. I think a lot of people develop mental illness from their environment, but they normalized it when they were young, so they don't even realize what they are doing to their own kid is bad either.

That's my experience with mentally ill parents.

 

[pole]

I'll be long gone before I have kids nor am I interested in being with someone.

to supplement the joy of raising kids, I foster kittens and I also have two of my own cats.

obviously not the same, but nurturing these kittens, loving each of them in their own way and enjoying their personalities, cuddling with them, caring for them until they're ready for their forever homes. at the same time, being there everyday and nurturing my own two cats.

sounds odd, but they feel like my children, and I feel like a parent at times. still, I enjoy it lots and think I would've probably been a great parent in another life.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

I don't want kids of my own, but that certainly doesn't mean i dont think kids aren't a good idea. They just aren't for me.
Having said that, for some weird reason I seem to be the default baby sitter for friends and relatives, office mates. I've had experiences where it's family day, either in my office or at a school of friend (they teach) and suddenly I find myself surrounded by kids. Maybe it's because mentally, I am 3.

Having said all of that.. these are things that I kind of envy parents (from time to time)
1) being exposed to a kid's sense of wonder. - We all went through that as a kid, but somehow we lost it along the way. i'm talking about the moment the little tyke first opens its eyes and looks at you and focuses on you, like trying to figure out who the heck you are. When you look into those eyes, small and a bit weak and full of innocence, it just triggers something inside. like at that moment, that time, you'd absolutely do anything and everything for them (of course after having experienced this i quickly handed the kid back to its parents). Another example is when you take them to a place they have never been to before. Their eyes take in everything but they grasp your hand like it was a lifeline and they were in the titanic, cutting off circulation to your fingers.
2) their firsts - First steps, first rainbow, first words, first time they're able to do stuff on their own. Sure, in today's day and age you can actually see videos of kids going that, but it hits a heck of a lot different when you're there, seeing it. That x month old bundle of poo and pee can now stand up/talk. Doesnt mean the poo and pee lessens, by any means, but now they can do it on the go.
3) trying to decipher what they say- not for everyone, but its a mental exercise, for sure.
4) their first heartache - the frustration of a parent, wanting to protect their kids from something as devastating as heartache, and knowing that they couldnt do anything about it actively( i mean, come on, what are you gonna do, go all Romeo and Juliet on them and forbid them to see each other?) It's a painful experience for both the kid, who doesnt understand why this is happening, and the parent.
5) Their achievements and accomplishments - graduating kindergarten, elementary, highschool. being able to compete and win, and compete and lose. That smile they give you when they know they worked hard (as much as kids can) and they achieved something, regardless if it's success or failure. Being there, seeing and experiencing things through your offspring's eyes is..something amazing.

having a kid, it shrinks your world. it makes you, at the very least, become more scared, in a way, but braver because you'd do things you dont normally do. (like wake up at 3 in the morning after having a little too much the previous night but not shouting. instead, you make sure you're smelling okay, then go to the tyke's room and say "alright alright.. im here".