symphony
surving hour-by-hour
- Mar 12, 2022
- 779
Just thought I'd share. I kept a journal for the first several months of 2021, the first time I really kept a record of my experience with depression. Here are some of those entries as they most relate to suicidality and my mind-state leading up to my first ever attempt at CTB. All the entries are a glimpse into my distress but I'll stick to sharing those most close temporally and/or relevant to the attempt.
------------------------------------
Jan. 29. I'm pretty upset right now. I admitted to suicidal plan and intent in group today [note that it is unclear from my journal exactly when I formed this plan and intent]. Cooking went poorly. I didn't [study]. I want to cut and I think I probably will. What's to stop me? I'm hurting. I wish I could just disappear.
Feb. 2. I told [a friend] that I'm planning [suicide], and they said I'm overwhelmed and need help. We worked out a plan for me to call [campus health] about counseling tomorrow.
Feb. 3. I just got off the phone with [campus health]. Things have been really rough today. I pinpointed March 10 as a good day to maybe try to kill myself. It hurts too much to go on. I can't cope.
Feb. 4. I contacted the crisis chat again today. I'm scared for the weekend. How am I gonna cope? [Campus health] called me back today and they're getting me more help... I'm still going ahead with the suicide plan though. I bought sheets today and asked [a discussion group] if someone could care for [my cat].
Feb. 8. I agreed to try ketamine treatment.
Feb. 11. I'm making progress on ketamines and therapy. I'm still hanging on (ha) to my suicide plan though. I want the option of an out.
Feb. 14. Thank god today's almost over. I've been in so much pain. I wanted to cut but didn't. I played games almost all day again just to cope. It feels like my life is nothing but constant suffering and I want it to end.
Feb. 15. I've been really struggling today. I said as much in group. I can't wait for the day to be over so I can go back to sleep. I also told [a close friend] I might try to die.
Feb. 16. I'm in so much goddamn pain and I just need it to end. I'm scared that it won't without me acting on my own life. I cut again today. I'm scared and I'm desperate. I don't know what more to do because I don't want to end up in a hospital.
Feb. 17. Every day is just the same painful routine. I just want it all to end.
Feb. 20. I took a big step towards suicide today. My sheets came in the mail. I feel like I spend 90% of my life desperately waiting for bedtime so I can go back to the sweet repose of unconsciousness.
Feb 21. I'm so tired of all of this. I always have to fight so hard just to get through. Well I'm tired of fighting. I'm a weary warrior and I"m ready to take my rest.
Feb. 22. [A good friend] made me call [campus health]. I want to die. Why wait til March? [The friend] says this is the worst they've seen me. They're making me call back.
------------------------------------
Following the above entry, I was hospitalized for about a week and a half. I did not attempt on March 10 as planned. I'm not sure why. I didn't journal at all between Feb. 22 and Apr. 1. Some retroactive evidence suggests I made a renewed effort towards recovery because entries in early April indicate I was receiving ketamine infusions and attempting to exercise, engage in hobbies, and resist urges to self-harm.
------------------------------------
Apr. 4. Still no exercise today. I didn't get much work done either. I wish I could sleep forever. Where's the line between healthy self-discipline and unhealthy shaming self-talk?
Apr. 14. I relapsed on self-harm today after 50 days clean. I added three cuts. I'm so upset with myself.
Apr. 17. I want so badly to be well but I don't know how.
Apr. 19. I need to cut. I'm ashamed to even exist.
Apr. 20. I ended up almost attempting yesterday. I'm doing much better today tough. Group is still terrible. I don't want to have to face [ketamine psychiatrist] tomorrow and tell her all that's happened.
Apr. 21. I had ketamine treatment today. My main insight was that I want to live. I want to be well and happy, but I worry that's not within my reach.
Apr. 28. I'm hurting so much. I'm hurting so much. I don't feel like I can share with anyone just how much pain I'm in. Suicide is looking really attractive. I don't know how much longer I can cope. I don't know what more there is for me to do. Is there anything left that can help me?
May 1. I attempted yesterday. I don't have anything more to say on the matter.
------------------------------------
On April 30, 2021, I attempted to hang myself in my apartment using bedsheets I'd bought a few months earlier. I did a bad job securing the noose and I fell. I panicked and told a good friend I wasn't okay but didn't admit to the attempt. I recall being hospitalized that day but my journals suggest that didn't happen. My friend made me call for crisis help where I did confess to the attempt, but when I swore I was no longer in danger, they agreed not to hospitalize me. When I went to iop a few days later and admitted to the attempt, I was forced into a hospitalization.
I recall that prior to this attempt I had set a date to CTB in the near future, although there is no record of this in my journal. I recall that I reached a point of desperation where it no longer seemed worthwhile to wait around. I had planned to kill myself eventually, but never planned to do it on that exact date.
I also recall that this attempt occurred just a day or two after my last ketamine treatment. Ketamine was the first "alternative" treatment I'd tried for depression (as in something other than meds and therapy) and it had been hyped up by others and myself as very likely to seriously help me. But it didn't do that. When I realized it had really and truly failed, I became much more inclined to attempt.
My second and third attempts were both desperate acts doomed to fail because I literally attempted while in a mental hospital both times. The second attempt was in summer 2021 and the third earlier this year. Hopefully the fourth time is the charm. Never before have I planned this diligently.
------------------------------------
Jan. 29. I'm pretty upset right now. I admitted to suicidal plan and intent in group today [note that it is unclear from my journal exactly when I formed this plan and intent]. Cooking went poorly. I didn't [study]. I want to cut and I think I probably will. What's to stop me? I'm hurting. I wish I could just disappear.
Feb. 2. I told [a friend] that I'm planning [suicide], and they said I'm overwhelmed and need help. We worked out a plan for me to call [campus health] about counseling tomorrow.
Feb. 3. I just got off the phone with [campus health]. Things have been really rough today. I pinpointed March 10 as a good day to maybe try to kill myself. It hurts too much to go on. I can't cope.
Feb. 4. I contacted the crisis chat again today. I'm scared for the weekend. How am I gonna cope? [Campus health] called me back today and they're getting me more help... I'm still going ahead with the suicide plan though. I bought sheets today and asked [a discussion group] if someone could care for [my cat].
Feb. 8. I agreed to try ketamine treatment.
Feb. 11. I'm making progress on ketamines and therapy. I'm still hanging on (ha) to my suicide plan though. I want the option of an out.
Feb. 14. Thank god today's almost over. I've been in so much pain. I wanted to cut but didn't. I played games almost all day again just to cope. It feels like my life is nothing but constant suffering and I want it to end.
Feb. 15. I've been really struggling today. I said as much in group. I can't wait for the day to be over so I can go back to sleep. I also told [a close friend] I might try to die.
Feb. 16. I'm in so much goddamn pain and I just need it to end. I'm scared that it won't without me acting on my own life. I cut again today. I'm scared and I'm desperate. I don't know what more to do because I don't want to end up in a hospital.
Feb. 17. Every day is just the same painful routine. I just want it all to end.
Feb. 20. I took a big step towards suicide today. My sheets came in the mail. I feel like I spend 90% of my life desperately waiting for bedtime so I can go back to the sweet repose of unconsciousness.
Feb 21. I'm so tired of all of this. I always have to fight so hard just to get through. Well I'm tired of fighting. I'm a weary warrior and I"m ready to take my rest.
Feb. 22. [A good friend] made me call [campus health]. I want to die. Why wait til March? [The friend] says this is the worst they've seen me. They're making me call back.
------------------------------------
Following the above entry, I was hospitalized for about a week and a half. I did not attempt on March 10 as planned. I'm not sure why. I didn't journal at all between Feb. 22 and Apr. 1. Some retroactive evidence suggests I made a renewed effort towards recovery because entries in early April indicate I was receiving ketamine infusions and attempting to exercise, engage in hobbies, and resist urges to self-harm.
------------------------------------
Apr. 4. Still no exercise today. I didn't get much work done either. I wish I could sleep forever. Where's the line between healthy self-discipline and unhealthy shaming self-talk?
Apr. 14. I relapsed on self-harm today after 50 days clean. I added three cuts. I'm so upset with myself.
Apr. 17. I want so badly to be well but I don't know how.
Apr. 19. I need to cut. I'm ashamed to even exist.
Apr. 20. I ended up almost attempting yesterday. I'm doing much better today tough. Group is still terrible. I don't want to have to face [ketamine psychiatrist] tomorrow and tell her all that's happened.
Apr. 21. I had ketamine treatment today. My main insight was that I want to live. I want to be well and happy, but I worry that's not within my reach.
Apr. 28. I'm hurting so much. I'm hurting so much. I don't feel like I can share with anyone just how much pain I'm in. Suicide is looking really attractive. I don't know how much longer I can cope. I don't know what more there is for me to do. Is there anything left that can help me?
May 1. I attempted yesterday. I don't have anything more to say on the matter.
------------------------------------
On April 30, 2021, I attempted to hang myself in my apartment using bedsheets I'd bought a few months earlier. I did a bad job securing the noose and I fell. I panicked and told a good friend I wasn't okay but didn't admit to the attempt. I recall being hospitalized that day but my journals suggest that didn't happen. My friend made me call for crisis help where I did confess to the attempt, but when I swore I was no longer in danger, they agreed not to hospitalize me. When I went to iop a few days later and admitted to the attempt, I was forced into a hospitalization.
I recall that prior to this attempt I had set a date to CTB in the near future, although there is no record of this in my journal. I recall that I reached a point of desperation where it no longer seemed worthwhile to wait around. I had planned to kill myself eventually, but never planned to do it on that exact date.
I also recall that this attempt occurred just a day or two after my last ketamine treatment. Ketamine was the first "alternative" treatment I'd tried for depression (as in something other than meds and therapy) and it had been hyped up by others and myself as very likely to seriously help me. But it didn't do that. When I realized it had really and truly failed, I became much more inclined to attempt.
My second and third attempts were both desperate acts doomed to fail because I literally attempted while in a mental hospital both times. The second attempt was in summer 2021 and the third earlier this year. Hopefully the fourth time is the charm. Never before have I planned this diligently.
