persuasion
Member
- Dec 10, 2020
- 26
My mind and body are both rotting and nothing ever changes. Everything takes me ages what others do in minutes.
My day consists of waking up, staying in bed for hours feeling numb and hollow. At some point I manage to gather enough energy to sit up from bed or rather, the feeling of laying down becomes so unbearable that I don't see another choice. Then I either fall back into the bed again because my head spins around and it feels so hopeless to stay up. Or I make it to the bath. Then I somehow manage to take a shower, the shower is the only thing that makes me feel somewhat normal for a few minutes, I don't care about the cleaning part really. Then I make a tea, and read the newspaper, form which I neve remember anything. After that I am so exhausted that I will go to bed again. Then I just lay down, think or don't think, sometimes I'll fall asleep again, sometimes I just wait. After 2 hours I manage to stand up to go the computer where I mindlessly do random things. I often refuse to open official letters or emails for weeks because of anxiety and then I am in more trouble than otherwise. When the stars align I am able to gather the confidence to browse for jobs, but after seeing the expectations and thinking of what I can do and what I even should write in the application, I get desperate and for the rest of the day suicidal thoughts kick in. People that have jobs feel like superhumans to me. How would I ever be able to something for 8 hours straight without mayorly screrwing it up or getting so stressed that I would kill myself asap? Escapism after that becomes even more miserable and the urge to drink myself to oblivion becomes strong. The only thing holding me back form drinking more is that I know it will make the next day even more awful. My curtains are always closed, the thought of what my neighbours might thinks gives me anxiety. The real world often drifts away, it's not like my acute dissociation form the past, it is a much more stable feeling of disconnection that accompanies me all the time and sets me always a step apart from the things around me. Emotional terror is not my issue, rather absence of emotional relation towards anything, including people. Whenever I say something it's only to hide the fact that I have nothing to say. When I read that somebody died I envy them, we should bemoan the people that are born not the ones that are gone. My parents get frustrated and I am trapped in this house. I feel too dumb to learn something new, I have wasted my twenties with a useless degree. I took to many shitty drugs in the past and I fear they affected my brain negatively. This life was a waste. The worst in when people think that I should be good and even successful because I had good grades. All I ever see is failure and deep rooted disinterest. I don't care about the social net of self reassuring bullshit around me, yet what choice do we have if we ain't rich. Life is a nuisance. Every little interaction with other people is an annoyance. I would much rather just roam around as a free spirit unnerved by the banality of human existence. I am not interested in participating in the acts that normal people perform on a daily basis. I needed two years after graduation only to look for a job, and a lack of money is the only reason that would do this. Maybe I should just be put in an institution, where I don't have to care for myself. Or maybe I go homeless, as retarded as I am I would die quite quickly.
My day consists of waking up, staying in bed for hours feeling numb and hollow. At some point I manage to gather enough energy to sit up from bed or rather, the feeling of laying down becomes so unbearable that I don't see another choice. Then I either fall back into the bed again because my head spins around and it feels so hopeless to stay up. Or I make it to the bath. Then I somehow manage to take a shower, the shower is the only thing that makes me feel somewhat normal for a few minutes, I don't care about the cleaning part really. Then I make a tea, and read the newspaper, form which I neve remember anything. After that I am so exhausted that I will go to bed again. Then I just lay down, think or don't think, sometimes I'll fall asleep again, sometimes I just wait. After 2 hours I manage to stand up to go the computer where I mindlessly do random things. I often refuse to open official letters or emails for weeks because of anxiety and then I am in more trouble than otherwise. When the stars align I am able to gather the confidence to browse for jobs, but after seeing the expectations and thinking of what I can do and what I even should write in the application, I get desperate and for the rest of the day suicidal thoughts kick in. People that have jobs feel like superhumans to me. How would I ever be able to something for 8 hours straight without mayorly screrwing it up or getting so stressed that I would kill myself asap? Escapism after that becomes even more miserable and the urge to drink myself to oblivion becomes strong. The only thing holding me back form drinking more is that I know it will make the next day even more awful. My curtains are always closed, the thought of what my neighbours might thinks gives me anxiety. The real world often drifts away, it's not like my acute dissociation form the past, it is a much more stable feeling of disconnection that accompanies me all the time and sets me always a step apart from the things around me. Emotional terror is not my issue, rather absence of emotional relation towards anything, including people. Whenever I say something it's only to hide the fact that I have nothing to say. When I read that somebody died I envy them, we should bemoan the people that are born not the ones that are gone. My parents get frustrated and I am trapped in this house. I feel too dumb to learn something new, I have wasted my twenties with a useless degree. I took to many shitty drugs in the past and I fear they affected my brain negatively. This life was a waste. The worst in when people think that I should be good and even successful because I had good grades. All I ever see is failure and deep rooted disinterest. I don't care about the social net of self reassuring bullshit around me, yet what choice do we have if we ain't rich. Life is a nuisance. Every little interaction with other people is an annoyance. I would much rather just roam around as a free spirit unnerved by the banality of human existence. I am not interested in participating in the acts that normal people perform on a daily basis. I needed two years after graduation only to look for a job, and a lack of money is the only reason that would do this. Maybe I should just be put in an institution, where I don't have to care for myself. Or maybe I go homeless, as retarded as I am I would die quite quickly.
