Venting Jekyll and Hyde

[ElectroshockBlues]

I'm having a dilemma. I've come to the conclusion that I want to die. I've known of this conclusion for as long as I can remember. I've had half-assed attempts to end my life over 10 times since I was 11. I had one that almost worked when I was 18, if my friend didn't help me I would have been dead. I was so mad when I woke up in the hospital and all I can remember is how people were mad at me. How can someone be mad at someone for attempting their life? Anyways, that's beside the point. My current issue is my emotional mind wants to die but my logical mind is preventing me to do so. I can't figure out a sure-fire way to go. I have so many pills in this house that I could go that way but it's not guaranteed. With my luck, I will fail as I have done many times before and just have everyone upset at me making it worse and worse for me over the course of time. The risk of not dying with the attempt is making it hard to attempt at all. I'd rather live a miserable rest of my life than end up in a coma or be a vegetable for the rest of my life. I want to die SO desperately but I can't stop the worry of it not working. All I know is I will take my life one day some way or another. I can't stand myself anymore.

 

[hatedanddestroyed]

I don't get why people are always mad when someone attempts. I've tried 3 times this week. Unfortunately, none of them worked. Gun has a bent firing pin (won't fire). Vehicle has a catalytic converter (spent 2 hrs in the garage with it on for nothing). Stomach couldn't hold the meds. Thankfully, no one knows. Not that they'd care anyway. Only thing that they care about is money.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

I understand this so deeply. It's a horrid feeling, fear of failure. It's also not right to be mad at someone, of all things, for attempting. People need a little empathy, jeez. I'm so sorry you've experienced this.

I would advise against attempting with pills, as that seems to have a high rate of failure. I would also advise not attempting unless you are absolutely sure you won't be found. That will greatly reduce the potential for long-term harm. And most importantly, of course, be absolutely sure you are ready.

I wish you peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

Some people can be so insensitive. I do not understand why people would be mad at someone for attempting ctb as we all have the right to exit at a time of our own choosing, it is a personal decision. I'm sorry you are in this situation, I understand the feelings of desperation. I know it can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. The fear of failure is also what holds me back from ctb. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[ElectroshockBlues]

Some people can be so insensitive. I do not understand why people would be mad at someone for attempting ctb as we all have the right to exit at a time of our own choosing, it is a personal decision. I'm sorry you are in this situation, I understand the feelings of desperation. I know it can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. The fear of failure is also what holds me back from ctb. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

It was my mom who came into the hospital guns blazing mad. She didn't realize how serious it was until the doctor told her. She used to hide the crisis hotline number from me because I called so much as a kid and the police would always come to take me to get evaluated because they knew how badly I actually wanted to die. She thought it was for attention when it wasn't. I understand it costs money to get mental health help so I just stopped calling. I've just let myself go at this point. I don't care for myself or my body and it's making me worse and worse with medical issues and such. I might have diabetes as a 26-year-old because I've gained so much weight. I don't want to be alive anymore. One of the reasons now that I haven't gone fully through with it is because I have a dog and I know he would be alone and not fed if I died because no one checks up with me anymore. I've lost all will and I just wish I would fade away. I'm just waiting for my body to kill me at this point. My therapist even had to advocate for me to get on disability because my mom refused to help. We are still waiting to hear back from them and it's been a year.

Some people can be so insensitive. I do not understand why people would be mad at someone for attempting ctb as we all have the right to exit at a time of our own choosing, it is a personal decision. I'm sorry you are in this situation, I understand the feelings of desperation. I know it can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. The fear of failure is also what holds me back from ctb. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

I just wish that assisted suicide was available for those who are in mental turmoil. That would be the best way for me.

I understand this so deeply. It's a horrid feeling, fear of failure. It's also not right to be mad at someone, of all things, for attempting. People need a little empathy, jeez. I'm so sorry you've experienced this.

I would advise against attempting with pills, as that seems to have a high rate of failure. I would also advise not attempting unless you are absolutely sure you won't be found. That will greatly reduce the potential for long-term harm. And most importantly, of course, be absolutely sure you are ready.

I wish you peace.

Thank you so much. I've kind of decided if I cant do it now I will do it after my parents pass. I always say I will follow them to the grave. I openly talk about all of these mental health things with my family and friends but I make it come off as a joke to cut the edge off but it ends up with people not realizing how serious it is. It's almost easier to just make people believe I'm fine.

I don't get why people are always mad when someone attempts. I've tried 3 times this week. Unfortunately, none of them worked. Gun has a bent firing pin (won't fire). Vehicle has a catalytic converter (spent 2 hrs in the garage with it on for nothing). Stomach couldn't hold the meds. Thankfully, no one knows. Not that they'd care anyway. Only thing that they care about is money.

It's a really shitty thing to feel when you attempt and are only met with anger and aggression from loved ones. I hate how hard your body and the universe tries to keep you alive. I am half convinced im immortal because of all the shit I've tried to die from. Drugs, alcohol, reckless driving, pill overdoses, starvation, dehydration, you name it. I was raised in a family that didn't have guns and I'm too broke to get one. I just feel like I can't win. Im sorry for what you've been going through. You may not feel it but I care. I hope you find peace in whatever outcome you come to.