Help Jealousy

[Kaczka86]

How to stop focusing on my own misfortune and stop comparing my life to others, especially my boyfriend's?

In more detail - me and my boyfriend come from two completely opposite backgrounds. He's wealthy, always had everything he wanted, went on multiple holidays and lived in different countries while growing up. Already graduated and his parents fully paid for the apartment he was renting. Couple rooms only for himself. Me on the other hand, I come from poor family, never went on real holidays with my family until I started earning money and went on my own. Lived in small 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment with 7+ people for my whole life until I moved out. Couple months ago started first year in college (part time) and I'm a first person in my close family to even go to college.

In theory I'm doing way better than my family and if things go well it'll be even better in the future. But... It's just so fucking hard to see someone who's close to me have everything without any effort. I'm currently living and studying abroad and I had to save up for over a year just to be able to come where I am and have enough for only one month of living without a job. Now I'm working dead end job from mornings until late afternoon and have lectures in evenings. I have two days off each week, but one of my days off is dedicated for 6+ hours of classes. Things were normal, even fine at times, but then around two months ago person I was living with told me his landlord is selling the apartment and we have a month to move out. Now all of us are living in overpriced small studio kinda apartment with one small bedroom. This apartment is so small that our beds take more than 50% of space. No way to cook too, which is one of my few enjoyments in life.

Also no way to rent apartment with my boyfriend because "he'd lose it if he had no personal space for himself" + he'll live with me only after marriage because he and his family are religious. We had "argument" about living together quite recently and he literally snaped at me say something along the lines "why would I sacrifice my mental health and live miserable and way less comfortable life just because you want to save some money". Like, I completely get it. He happened to be lucky and be born in a good place, so why would he abandon it? But fuck, hearing that hurt so much. Loving someone with completely different background than yours hutrs so, so fucking much. (Worth to mention - for two years we dated online and then around middle of this year we moved to the same country and we're dating irl only for couple months now).

So, I'm just basically jealous of his comfortable life and can't focus on anything else but my own misfortune.

Can anyone even relate?

 

[jodes2]

Wow, that really sucks. Sorry you had such a touch childhood and that you're having to work so hard right now. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is very understanding, I think I should be giving up more for you

 

[theboy]

write down in a notebook your problems that you managed to overcome

 

[Nirrend]

How to stop focusing on my own misfortune and stop comparing my life to others, especially my boyfriend's?

In more detail - me and my boyfriend come from two completely opposite backgrounds. He's wealthy, always had everything he wanted, went on multiple holidays and lived in different countries while growing up. Already graduated and his parents fully paid for the apartment he was renting. Couple rooms only for himself. Me on the other hand, I come from poor family, never went on real holidays with my family until I started earning money and went on my own. Lived in small 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment with 7+ people for my whole life until I moved out. Couple months ago started first year in college (part time) and I'm a first person in my close family to even go to college.

In theory I'm doing way better than my family and if things go well it'll be even better in the future. But... It's just so fucking hard to see someone who's close to me have everything without any effort. I'm currently living and studying abroad and I had to save up for over a year just to be able to come where I am and have enough for only one month of living without a job. Now I'm working dead end job from mornings until late afternoon and have lectures in evenings. I have two days off each week, but one of my days off is dedicated for 6+ hours of classes. Things were normal, even fine at times, but then around two months ago person I was living with told me his landlord is selling the apartment and we have a month to move out. Now all of us are living in overpriced small studio kinda apartment with one small bedroom. This apartment is so small that our beds take more than 50% of space. No way to cook too, which is one of my few enjoyments in life.

Also no way to rent apartment with my boyfriend because "he'd lose it if he had no personal space for himself" + he'll live with me only after marriage because he and his family are religious. We had "argument" about living together quite recently and he literally snaped at me say something along the lines "why would I sacrifice my mental health and live miserable and way less comfortable life just because you want to save some money". Like, I completely get it. He happened to be lucky and be born in a good place, so why would he abandon it? But fuck, hearing that hurt so much. Loving someone with completely different background than yours hutrs so, so fucking much. (Worth to mention - for two years we dated online and then around middle of this year we moved to the same country and we're dating irl only for couple months now).

So, I'm just basically jealous of his comfortable life and can't focus on anything else but my own misfortune.

Can anyone even relate?

Hi sweet @Kaczka86

I have just read a story that contains a lot of suffering and I have the feeling that behind the anger you are showing us, there is a great fatigue of life, a great distress and a deep feeling of injustice.

I was just wondering where this jealousy was coming from until you mentioned the following sentence "Why would I sacrifice my mental health and live miserable and way less comfortable life just because you want to save some money".

In fact, I think that you must be angry at yourself for being jealous, you must feel sometimes like someone who is becoming malicious, am I wrong?

I'm sorry you're going through all this, but don't blame yourself. Jealousy is a common and normal thing, even if it is considered "immoral" by society.

I imagine you must feel lonely, betrayed, sullied in all this. Maybe even like a nobody because of what your boyfriend says.

Honestly, no one would like to hear such remarks, your boyfriend seems to behave in a toxic way, as if he was doing things for himself first, just out of obligation and "principle". Again, I don't know him, but he sounds very narcissistic and unsympathetic.

You know, I imagine that you feel lonely and that you cling to him because you feel lost, I also imagine that you have to put up with terrible things because you're at an impasse.

We can't really create a miracle... Even though I sincerely advise you to turn to someone more gentle and loving with you, because you sincerely deserve ❤

The security he gives you (if it turns out he gives you any) is only illusory, although that's my point, don't get caught up in the circle of dependency.

Conversely, if I'm wrong and you love him deeply, then I respect that but you'll have to protect yourself so that he doesn't make you more fragile than you already are.

Even if your life at the moment is caught in a violent torrent, know that further down the river, without doubt, I sincerely hope and believe, the current is less strong and I am sure you will manage to get out of it ❤

Even if you feel more in trouble than him, at least you will have the merit of doing things with your courage, with your strength and with your real talent. Whereas for him, things are easier but less deserved.

If you despair or if you need to give yourself up, come and write to us, we will do everything to give you some warmth ❤

We understand you

Love ❤❤

 

[A simple aid]

How to stop focusing on my own misfortune and stop comparing my life to others, especially my boyfriend's?

In more detail - me and my boyfriend come from two completely opposite backgrounds. He's wealthy, always had everything he wanted, went on multiple holidays and lived in different countries while growing up. Already graduated and his parents fully paid for the apartment he was renting. Couple rooms only for himself. Me on the other hand, I come from poor family, never went on real holidays with my family until I started earning money and went on my own. Lived in small 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment with 7+ people for my whole life until I moved out. Couple months ago started first year in college (part time) and I'm a first person in my close family to even go to college.

In theory I'm doing way better than my family and if things go well it'll be even better in the future. But... It's just so fucking hard to see someone who's close to me have everything without any effort. I'm currently living and studying abroad and I had to save up for over a year just to be able to come where I am and have enough for only one month of living without a job. Now I'm working dead end job from mornings until late afternoon and have lectures in evenings. I have two days off each week, but one of my days off is dedicated for 6+ hours of classes. Things were normal, even fine at times, but then around two months ago person I was living with told me his landlord is selling the apartment and we have a month to move out. Now all of us are living in overpriced small studio kinda apartment with one small bedroom. This apartment is so small that our beds take more than 50% of space. No way to cook too, which is one of my few enjoyments in life.

Also no way to rent apartment with my boyfriend because "he'd lose it if he had no personal space for himself" + he'll live with me only after marriage because he and his family are religious. We had "argument" about living together quite recently and he literally snaped at me say something along the lines "why would I sacrifice my mental health and live miserable and way less comfortable life just because you want to save some money". Like, I completely get it. He happened to be lucky and be born in a good place, so why would he abandon it? But fuck, hearing that hurt so much. Loving someone with completely different background than yours hutrs so, so fucking much. (Worth to mention - for two years we dated online and then around middle of this year we moved to the same country and we're dating irl only for couple months now).

So, I'm just basically jealous of his comfortable life and can't focus on anything else but my own misfortune.

Can anyone even relate?

relate no....understand yes ...a bit.....now i must say the effort you are putting into life is extremely commendable...but i dont guarantee brighter days ahead....now as much as you may love you boyfriend he doesnt love you....i say this like the parent who pulls their child from fire....you see its not a question of his background more so a question of his heart.....UNLESS.... he strongly believes you can provide for yourself and you are just being a cheapskate....otherwise he isnt a great person....now....your problem isnt jealousy....your problem is not having enough positive around you to counteract the negative...your life is hard...you need to fill such life with support and care...being a woman no less...rather than competitive vanity or anything that looks glamorous to your eye...in summary its about making it easier to be content rather than making yourself stop wishing to be luckier

 

[Kaczka86]

relate no....understand yes ...a bit.....now i must say the effort you are putting into life is extremely commendable...but i dont guarantee brighter days ahead....now as much as you may love you boyfriend he doesnt love you....i say this like the parent who pulls their child from fire....you see its not a question of his background more so a question of his heart.....UNLESS.... he strongly believes you can provide for yourself and you are just being a cheapskate....otherwise he isnt a great person....now....your problem isnt jealousy....your problem is not having enough positive around you to counteract the negative...your life is hard...you need to fill such life with support and care...being a woman no less...rather than competitive vanity or anything that looks glamorous to your eye...in summary its about making it easier to be content rather than making yourself stop wishing to be luckier

Hi sweet @Kaczka86

I have just read a story that contains a lot of suffering and I have the feeling that behind the anger you are showing us, there is a great fatigue of life, a great distress and a deep feeling of injustice.

I was just wondering where this jealousy was coming from until you mentioned the following sentence "Why would I sacrifice my mental health and live miserable and way less comfortable life just because you want to save some money".

In fact, I think that you must be angry at yourself for being jealous, you must feel sometimes like someone who is becoming malicious, am I wrong?

I'm sorry you're going through all this, but don't blame yourself. Jealousy is a common and normal thing, even if it is considered "immoral" by society.

I imagine you must feel lonely, betrayed, sullied in all this. Maybe even like a nobody because of what your boyfriend says.

Honestly, no one would like to hear such remarks, your boyfriend seems to behave in a toxic way, as if he was doing things for himself first, just out of obligation and "principle". Again, I don't know him, but he sounds very narcissistic and unsympathetic.

You know, I imagine that you feel lonely and that you cling to him because you feel lost, I also imagine that you have to put up with terrible things because you're at an impasse.

We can't really create a miracle... Even though I sincerely advise you to turn to someone more gentle and loving with you, because you sincerely deserve ❤

The security he gives you (if it turns out he gives you any) is only illusory, although that's my point, don't get caught up in the circle of dependency.

Conversely, if I'm wrong and you love him deeply, then I respect that but you'll have to protect yourself so that he doesn't make you more fragile than you already are.

Even if your life at the moment is caught in a violent torrent, know that further down the river, without doubt, I sincerely hope and believe, the current is less strong and I am sure you will manage to get out of it ❤

Even if you feel more in trouble than him, at least you will have the merit of doing things with your courage, with your strength and with your real talent. Whereas for him, things are easier but less deserved.

If you despair or if you need to give yourself up, come and write to us, we will do everything to give you some warmth ❤

We understand you

Love ❤❤

It's been a long time but I am still really thankful for those responses. All of them! It's been couple months and nothing feels easier and my jealousy is still here. I don't know anymore. I usually come back to this forum when I feel really low and I feel need to find similar stories to mine, so here I am again. I just really don't know how to stop it! I know I might be seen as hardworking and like I really deserve things I have, because it's been only me working for them and no one else, but at the same time that just isn't enough for me to feel better. I might feel proud for a brief moment, but then I break down crying deep inside of me knowing that in front of me is just yet another hard and stressful day. I just feel so exhausted and done with everything. Having anxiety and being ultra sensitive to everything doesn't help me at all too. I just have enough. That's all I want to express for now really.