Venting Jealousy over dying

[l1ablemistakes]

I know a couple friends who have lost loved ones to CTB. I've lost a patient who was my own age to FSH- that's where I got the inspiration. Is it wrong to feel jealous of the people who have died even having seen how it affects the people around them? I feel so sick and disgusted at myself for looking at people grieving and craving it, for imagining my funeral and how heartbroken everyone will be. I think it's because I feel like it's the only way to get people to understand me. Because I feel like I understand people who have successfully done it. Idk why I'm typing this, I guess just to see if anyone understands.

 

[tonicer]

I know a couple friends who have lost loved ones to CTB. I've lost a patient who was my own age to FSH- that's where I got the inspiration. Is it wrong to feel jealous of the people who have died even having seen how it affects the people around them? I feel so sick and disgusted at myself for looking at people grieving and craving it, for imagining my funeral and how heartbroken everyone will be. I think it's because I feel like it's the only way to get people to understand me. Because I feel like I understand people who have successfully done it. Idk why I'm typing this, I guess just to see if anyone understands.

My mother used to watch the youtube videos of a very wise Christian monk who talked about a lot of philosophical themes and one of the things that stuck with her and which she told me about was the part about the "sick healer" which means basically that only the one who had experienced a sickness first hand can be a good healer for others who suffer from it.

That is why you can help people who are suicidal.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

As a healthcare worker I feel that a lot. I have a lot of empathy for my patients and it often makes it a lot harder to do my job, but I think it also makes me a better practitioner.

 

[tonicer]

As a healthcare worker I feel that a lot. I have a lot of empathy for my patients and it often makes it a lot harder to do my job, but I think it also makes me a better practitioner.

I really believe that it does in fact make you better at your job. I studied IT but in hindsight and with how impossible it seems to get a job in my are of expertise i often think i should have studied to become a psychologist instead, especially with my experience.

Someone who only reads about suicide and never had the thoughts themself can not provide good help for others with similar thoughts.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

I don't think it's helpful or fair to yourself to judge or condemn yourself for your emotions. They're passive experiences just like feeling the pain of a hot stovetop and withdraw your hand or stubbing your toe and yelling. There is a stimulus and a reaction. So they can't be "wrong" as such although they can be unreasonable or disproportionate or harmful But not really "wrong". Envy is the perfect case in point. No one would feel it if they had a choice.

Actions can be wrong. Expressing envy over someone's death to grieving loved ones would be wrong.

If you want to analyze it more deeply you would find you are not content with these people's being dead. In fact it's not really about them. You are just longing for the abatement of your own suffering and that's certainly not "wrong" (at least this is what I propose. You are entitled to say if that's inaccurate of course)

 

[l1ablemistakes]

If you want to analyze it more deeply you would find you are not content with these people's being dead. In fact it's not really about them. You are just longing for the abatement of your own suffering and that's certainly not "wrong"/

Honestly, it's so disturbing to think about these deaths. Especially my patient. The family decided to force them to live for 4 months before pulling the plug. It destroyed me; I know I'm not content with that. I know I'm projecting far too much on other people but it's the only real life standard I can compare anything to. Thank you for your words. I know it's a me issue more than anything else, I just feel so horrible looking at everyone else's pain and wishing it was because of me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I always envy those who no longer suffer in this dreadful, torturous existence, in fact to me they are the only fortunate ones, all I want is to be permanently at peace from this existence that just causes all this dreadful pain and suffering, for me ceasing to exist truly is all that's positive and desirable.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think we can have empathy for both sides really. Plus, envy too for those free of their own suffering. I'm not convinced one necessarily cancels out the other.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

I always envy those who no longer suffer in this dreadful, torturous existence, in fact to me they are the only fortunate ones, all I want is to be permanently at peace from this existence that just causes all this dreadful pain and suffering, for me ceasing to exist truly is all that's positive and desirable.

I wish I had been brave enough sooner. I have relayed to this for at least 10 years yet all I've done is suck people into my vortex, only to leave them inevitably hurt when I wasn't what they thought I'd be. When I was a teenager I thought people wouldnt take me seriously and understand my pain if I CTB. Now I realise I was only prolonging the inevitable and all I've done is dragged people in to suffer with me.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

Honestly, it's so disturbing to think about these deaths. Especially my patient. The family decided to force them to live for 4 months before pulling the plug. It destroyed me; I know I'm not content with that. I know I'm projecting far too much on other people but it's the only real life standard I can compare anything to. Thank you for your words. I know it's a me issue more than anything else, I just feel so horrible looking at everyone else's pain and wishing it was because of me.

Envy implies that you think what the other person has is worth it for that person to have and that is not definitely not your stance so even if it feels like envy it's not exactly it. You're not alone in feeling this envy-like feeling as I have felt that way too but like I said it's about our weariness more than anything else.

But in any event even if it is envy proper you are feeling or glee or whatever anything you experience internally can't really be "wrong" (but expressing it can be). Unpleasant or undesirable but not "wrong" in the sense you're using that word.

 

[NameOfAction]

I wish I had been brave enough sooner. I have relayed to this for at least 10 years yet all I've done is suck people into my vortex, only to leave them inevitably hurt when I wasn't what they thought I'd be. When I was a teenager I thought people wouldnt take me seriously and understand my pain if I CTB. Now I realise I was only prolonging the inevitable and all I've done is dragged people in to suffer with me.

You're hardly dragging people to suffer, now that you're actively helping patients and work on yourself in therapy.

This world is full of cocky, arrogant bastards who've not suffered a day in their lives or worse, see suffering as a right of passage. We need people who understand to work in healthcare. We need people like you to live for a relatively long time, to help and to care where others fail.

Dying now or soon will render your own experience futile. Dying isn't a race, it will come regardless and always sooner than expected. Your expertise is causing more healing than your absence will

 

[l1ablemistakes]

You're hardly dragging people to suffer, now that you're actively helping patients and work on yourself in therapy.

This world is full of cocky, arrogant bastards who've not suffered a day in their lives or worse, see suffering as a right of passage. We need people who understand to work in healthcare. We need people like you to live for a relatively long time, to help and to care where others fail.

Dying now or soon will render your own experience futile. Dying isn't a race, it will come regardless and always sooner than expected. Your expertise is causing more healing than your absence will

Thank you. I know I'm good at my job and I'm helping people. It's part of what makes leaving so hard, especially because I know if I am taken to hospital after, it will be my workplace, and I work in the ED, so I would certainly be seen by my workmates. I'm trying to hang on for the people who love me but it still feels like I'm luring them in for an even greater loss when I eventually do CTB. I am certain that's how I'll die and I've known that for almost 10 years now. I'm trying to contribute as much as I can while I'm still here, and before I do I'm going to donate everything, and after I do I'm going to give all of my possessions to my siblings and friends, but I don't see the point in delaying it. All of my coworkers are also lovely. I can't outwardly express to patients the ways my suffering makes me better. I just have to smile and say I understand and I don't think that gets the point across. Delaying this only makes my family and friends hurt more.

 

[NameOfAction]

Thank you. I know I'm good at my job and I'm helping people. It's part of what makes leaving so hard, especially because I know if I am taken to hospital after, it will be my workplace, and I work in the ED, so I would certainly be seen by my workmates. I'm trying to hang on for the people who love me but it still feels like I'm luring them in for an even greater loss when I eventually do CTB. I am certain that's how I'll die and I've known that for almost 10 years now. I'm trying to contribute as much as I can while I'm still here, and before I do I'm going to donate everything, and after I do I'm going to give all of my possessions to my siblings and friends, but I don't see the point in delaying it. All of my coworkers are also lovely. I can't outwardly express to patients the ways my suffering makes me better. I just have to smile and say I understand and I don't think that gets the point across. Delaying this only makes my family and friends hurt more.

Delaying this only makes a life for you. Doesn't have to be awfully long, but can be meaningful and fulfilling

 

[meddle]

Thank you. I know I'm good at my job and I'm helping people. It's part of what makes leaving so hard, especially because I know if I am taken to hospital after, it will be my workplace, and I work in the ED, so I would certainly be seen by my workmates. I'm trying to hang on for the people who love me but it still feels like I'm luring them in for an even greater loss when I eventually do CTB. I am certain that's how I'll die and I've known that for almost 10 years now. I'm trying to contribute as much as I can while I'm still here, and before I do I'm going to donate everything, and after I do I'm going to give all of my possessions to my siblings and friends, but I don't see the point in delaying it. All of my coworkers are also lovely. I can't outwardly express to patients the ways my suffering makes me better. I just have to smile and say I understand and I don't think that gets the point across. Delaying this only makes my family and friends hurt more.

im so sorry you feel that way. you are a wonderful and gentle person, and your posts show it. and i assume you are a caring, empathetic health care provider. i wish you had a happy life and would never feel suicidal. the world definitely needs more people and specialists like you. your suicide surely will be such a great loss

 

[l1ablemistakes]

im so sorry you feel that way. you are a wonderful and gentle person, and your posts show it. and i assume you are a caring, empathetic health care provider. i wish you had a happy life and would never feel suicidal. the world definitely needs more people and specialists like you. your suicide surely will be such a great loss

This is really sweet, thank you :')) I wish all the best for you too.