Je ne suis pas prêt

[je.suis.prêt]

Nowadays, I manage to brush my teeth and leave the house. Regularly.
Eating is somewhat better; I haven't had a depression meal™ in a while.
I've even been to the gym a few times, and found interest in things again.

All of my other habits still need some work, but overall things are slightly better, and I can definitely say that I currently do not want to end my life.

The same cannot be said about the me from a few months ago; the person who could not leave the house, the person mired in hopelessness, the person who bought 2 bags of SN incase 1 wasn't enough.

The mental state I was in when I both joined this site, and ordered the generous – if I can even use that word here – serving of SN was completely different to how I currently feel. To make a long story short, there was an issue with the postal service, and the SN took much longer than expected to arrive. In the time it took to arrive, I came to notice the gradual reduction in the amplitude of the cycles inherent in my mental state; hysterical hatred for my existence at the peaks, to troughs where I resigned myself to the few hollowed out comforts I knew – isolation, good (read: unhealthy) food, and porn.

These cycles have stabilised, in part due to the positive interactions I get to have with people on this site – you know who you are, thank you <3 – and so as I mentioned, I currently do not want to end my life.

The SN arrived yesterday.

I was not glad – as I may have been if it had arrived months ago – nor was I scared of it. I was taken aback by the sight of it on the table. Depression and other mental health issues are not tangible, but for me, the little cardboard envelope from IC felt like a tangible souvenir – again, I'm unsure about this comparison – and reminder of how I felt. I don't even want to open it.

Maybe I should safely dispose of it to show myself that I am serious about recovery?
or maybe keep it as I might change my mind later on.
Maybe I should frame it and keep it as a morbid art piece as it carries essays (plural) worth of significance and memories of a certain period of my journey through life.

I have come to realise that Je ne suis pas prêt.

 

[Source Energy]

focus on recovery, but keep it. it doesn't ask to be fed :) who knows it becomes unavailable too, and if you need it again, what?
you never know, sometimes your own efforts are not enough. I tried hard for 3 decades, and sometimes a tiny thought wants to keep trying. But life keeps knocking me down, so...
just put it in a cupboard somewhere out of sight and don't think of it until you are ready

 

[berniata]

It's really great to hear that you're starting to get back on your feet. I had a similar experience of ordering SN, and it thankfully showing up way later than I'd planned and I'd changed my mind in the meantime. I kept it sitting in a drawer, not wanting to think about it for a while before eventually giving it to a mental health support worker who disposed of it for me.

Ultimately what you do with your SN is up to you, and I can sort of understand the idea of keeping it around as memorabilia. Still, I don't know about you, but my SN was a total ordeal to get hold of, and I still think the friction of having to obtain it again is a positive thing. I always felt as though having it around had the potential to have those suicidal thoughts.

 

[never mind me]

I'm glad to read that you feel better now. Whether it makes sense to keep the SN depends what kind of person you are. If you are an impulsive type of person who might take it without thinking about it, only because you have a bad day (while you generally feel ok enough to not want to kill yourself) or because you are drunk then it would probably be better to get rid of it. If not it might be worthwile to keep it in case you still need it later on in life. But it depends on you. If you think suicide is no longer an option for you - ever - than there is probably no need to keep it. On the other hand for some people (like me) having a safe option for ctb at hand is really comforting and can make it easier to deal with life, because there is a way out, if things become unbearable.