I've strayed way too far to live now

[Scythe]

I can't think of a future where I am alive now, I used to be able to have a general idea of what it might hold. Now I idealized suicide for way too long and fantasized about it as such a good thing that I didn't even realized I'm long past the deep end. And that's okay. I used to see the future as just somethinf horrible, I used to somewhat be able to guess what it might hold. Now, although I still remember what I thought my future had, I don't believe those to be possible anymore. Due to my death and due to me just losing hope that my future can have a good outcome.
I am slightly surprised that I don't give a shit about the way I feel now, it almosts feels like I should feel more...sad? About this mindset, but I think this is what I wanted in some sense.
Now, death is less unknown than the future to me, because I think about it so much now. I've strayed too far trying to follow death to return now, and I'm content with it.

 

[SubtleWinds]

Oh dang, that sounds pretty deep. What's the story? I'm new here and I'm looking for people to talk to :)

 

[Scythe]

Oh dang, that sounds pretty deep. What's the story? I'm new here and I'm looking for people to talk to :)

First of all, welcome, I hope this community serves you well. I won't / don't want to go into details but basically I didn't get professional help and generally talking to your friends about suicide is a bad idea. So I just keep thinking about it in my head and now we're here.

 

[SubtleWinds]

First of all, welcome, I hope this community serves you well. I won't / don't want to go into details but basically I didn't get professional help and generally talking to your friends about suicide is a bad idea. So I just keep thinking about it in my head and now we're here.

Oh, I haven't heard anything about talking to friends, what happens then?

 

[jussrav]

I can't think of a future where I am alive now, I used to be able to have a general idea of what it might hold. Now I idealized suicide for way too long and fantasized about it as such a good thing that I didn't even realized I'm long past the deep end. And that's okay. I used to see the future as just somethinf horrible, I used to somewhat be able to guess what it might hold. Now, although I still remember what I thought my future had, I don't believe those to be possible anymore. Due to my death and due to me just losing hope that my future can have a good outcome.
I am slightly surprised that I don't give a shit about the way I feel now, it almosts feels like I should feel more...sad? About this mindset, but I think this is what I wanted in some sense.
Now, death is less unknown than the future to me, because I think about it so much now. I've strayed too far trying to follow death to return now, and I'm content with it.

This saddens me but seriously you may be able to get back. I hear your story and that you are sad yes. But you dont mention why eg life events or did something happen. My life us a total nightmare with illnesses, tumour etc. What is your story because all I hear is you are sad.

 

[Scythe]

Oh, I haven't heard anything about talking to friends, what happens then?

Basically, it's usually a bad idea to do it because they might try to hospitalize you or they cut contact with you because they think you are a burden. A lot of people also don't understand that some suicidal people can't / don't want to be saved and I don't really know if I can make them see things from mt prespective.

What is your story because all I hear is you are sad.

Again, not in the mood to get into all the details. If anything you can go through my old posts if you're really curious, the summary of it is society sucks and I don't like humans. That and I'm too tired to try to recover.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I have to say say that at 44 years old, I feel the exact same way. It seems like yesteday that i was 32 and embarking on opening my own business and thinking I had a chance to set myself up for life. Now, 10 years later, my Adderall scrip is the only thing that keeps me clinging on for one more day.

 

[jussrav]

Basically, it's usually a bad idea to do it because they might try to hospitalize you or they cut contact with you because they think you are a burden. A lot of people also don't understand that some suicidal people can't / don't want to be saved and I don't really know if I can make them see things from mt prespective.


Again, not in the mood to get into all the details. If anything you can go through my old posts if you're really curious, the summary of it is society sucks and I don't like humans. That and I'm too tired to try to recover.

I can't get onto your story some technical error

 

[SubtleWinds]

Basically, it's usually a bad idea to do it because they might try to hospitalize you or they cut contact with you because they think you are a burden. A lot of people also don't understand that some suicidal people can't / don't want to be saved and I don't really know if I can make them see things from mt prespective.


Again, not in the mood to get into all the details. If anything you can go through my old posts if you're really curious, the summary of it is society sucks and I don't like humans. That and I'm too tired to try to recover.

Ah, so you don't want to be saved? But like, do you ever think about whether there still might be something worth living for? I think about it all the time. If I CTB before I truly understand what being "saved" looks like, or even try it, I think I would feel like an idiot.

 

[SubtleWinds]

Basically, it's usually a bad idea to do it because they might try to hospitalize you or they cut contact with you because they think you are a burden. A lot of people also don't understand that some suicidal people can't / don't want to be saved and I don't really know if I can make them see things from mt prespective.


Again, not in the mood to get into all the details. If anything you can go through my old posts if you're really curious, the summary of it is society sucks and I don't like humans. That and I'm too tired to try to recover.

Ahhh sorry sorry that's not to call you an idiot I just think it's a weird thought process

 

[Scythe]

@SubtleWinds No worries, and to answer your question, although I still have things I like and enjoy, when I'm feeling really down, I don't enjoy anything. I also don't feel that my hobbies are worth living for.

 

[SubtleWinds]

So it's when you feel down about the disease, or is it the disease keeping you down? What's long covid like? I never really learned much abt it