Story I've never in my life been suicidal until now

[Lemarkus]

Hey, I'm new here; I found the website like two weeks ago. I didn't know where to talk about this, so this is great.

I'm a 21 year old guy currently in college. To give context, I was homeschooled since I was 12. I really don't know why my parents thought it would be a good idea; my life was miserable. I was a kid stuck in a room, quite literally. At first, I really didn't mind it, probably because I was a dumb kid happy with life. But eventually, I realized that my life wasn't normal; my old friends stopped talking to me, so I had no one to talk to. I would go months without talking to another kid my age. My mental state was terrible; I felt anxious all the time and felt like I had no purpose. The worst times were when I was in my teenage years, 16-17-18-19. I would see my old friends (ofc, on Instagram) going on dates, going to parties, talking about college, and overall having the time of their lives. I felt so left out; the only thing that made me happy was the thought of going to college and finally having a life. I remember I would daydream all day about the friends that I didn't have, sometimes not studying because I was still in bed daydreaming about the life that I wished I had. FUCKING HELL, I WOULDN'T GO OUT OF THE APARTMENT FOR WEEKS, MAYBE MONTHS AT A TIME. Fast-forward a few years, and I graduated "high school" at 19 and managed to get into college.

<Fuck yes, life starts now.

And... who could have guessed that years of isolation would make me shit at anything social.

I had no social skills, plus the fact that my whole "personality" was that I was homeschooled made it worse.

I really pushed myself to go out, talk to people, not be fucking awkward. And amazingly, it paid off. I was in a friend group I could talk to, got into a relationship, my life was finally normal, and I was so happy. All those years daydreaming, my life is great!

(No.)

Long story short, my friends humiliated me in front of my parents. My girlfriend was cheating with one of my friends, and I've never been so lonely in my life. Fuck homeschooling; it messed up my life. I got no one to even say goodnight to. Even when I was stuck in that fucking room CBT never even crossed my mind. But like a month ago, I thought of ending it, and... I felt peace. I felt a massive relief; it felt almost like being high. Maybe there's still value in my life, maybe just a little, but just the thought of CBT alone makes me feel great. I can't stop thinking about it. I've been lonely my entire life; I've never had a real friendship or platonic relationship with anyone; my life is sad. I don't see it getting better. I'm confused; I don't know what to do or think; I just needed to get it out of me. Thanks for reading.

 

[lavender143once]

I'm happy you've feel relief at the thought to CTB.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel relieved at the thought of no longer existing, I get that loneliness is hard to deal with for so many who exist here, it's dreadful how humans can be so cruel. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[peace_van]

I could feel the same thing with you.

Though I was not homeschooled, I was the lonely guy during high school, barely had any friends.
My physical and psychological development was way behind my peers (diagnosed as delayed puberty), also possibly with ASD and ADHD.
I could not interact normally with them.
Luckily my academic grades were good at that time and through university, so I managed here.
After that my mental conditions worsened as I entered an ill relationship, could not find a job due to my terrible networking skills (fvck it why do one have to know a group of insiders to apply for a job? It's against transparency and unfair!)

The cause of the tragedy traces back to over a decade before and I could hardly find any way out other than CTB.

 

[Larysa]

That is such a difficult start to life. I used to work with children, and although many schools are very far from ideal, I've always worried about kids being (inadequately) homeschooled. As you say, you miss out on so much. However, you got to college despite all of that, you are still looking for a better life (with ctb as an option). Are you still at college now? I know it's so hard, but maybe you had a very steep learning curve in the pitfalls of socialising and dating, and you can start again with more (perhaps self-protective) cynicism but also more knowledge?

 

[Ampsvx123]

Solitude is great, it is perhaps the best of luxury. If u don't enjoy your own company, neither will others.

 

[SolomonKado]

with how my "school life" went I wish I was homeschooled…, but I can't say that for certain because I've never experienced it.

I went to school and kids and even teachers making fun of you, girls/guys cheating (if your lucky/unlucky to get into a relationship), teachers that could care less if you fail because either they weren't meant to be a teacher or whenever they tried the system failed them anyways, etc.

I hate that you're going through this. I'm a very bitter and depressed person because of other people.

Good does exist somewhere. If you're not lucky enough to find it then this is the best place to be. Atleast you'll have people who know your pain and can support you no matter the choice you make to find peace. It's different for everyone.

I feel I want to CTB everyday and hope to eventually soon, but at least here it helps to take most of the "sting" out of it because of the family I chose for myself here.

 

[jar-baby]

Fuck homeschooling; it messed up my life

fwiw, it doesn't sound like the problem is you (at least not primarily), it sounds like the problem is your friends and ex.