Venting I've never felt connected to others, I never will

[dragonofenvy]

My sister invited me to my niece's 1st birthday party, and I thought, "Oh that's right, I forgot I had a niece." I considered accepting the invitation but I knew how I would fare. I would awkwardly sit around, not speaking until I found my chance to leave, and then most likely my mother would say something along the lines of "Thanks for socializing with your family, see you next year!" in a condescending manner. I still feel guilty about being the deadbeat uncle who isn't around, who doesn't care about their family, even the newly born ones.

I thought back to all of my fleeting friendships and how I never felt any connection even with them. The closest thing I had to a real friendship was when I was 18 when I hung out with two people for the first time in my life, and then I treated them poorly for the year that I would know them before I graduated and they were finally able to get away from me. I think to myself often that I would be able to cope with life if I had just one friend. I feel bitter envy when I see couples together knowing that I will never have what they have.

My discord friend's brother CTB'd a long time ago. I felt nothing. I've realized now that despite having been crushed by loneliness for my entire life. I'm either too damaged or there's something wrong with me that I am incapable of feeling any connection to anyone else. I've given it genuine efforts, I've felt as though I've liked being around people certain people but could never get close to them, probably because I'm so socially inept that it's impossible to. I can't improve my social skills to try to get closer to others because nobody likes socially awkward people.

I've always feared dying alone with nobody to care about me. I've known since I was very young that it was going to happen. It's finally sunk in now. When, if, I CTB nobody will know for months. Nobody will care just as I've never cared about anyone else. The few people I know won't feel a thing and will forget about me in a few days.

I want to care about others but I just can't. I yearn for the genuine connection I've never had in my life but I know it's impossible. Is it because I've been alone for my whole life and that because nobody cared about me I don't know how to care about others? Am I some sort of sociopath or have something wrong in my brain? I want to have just one true relationship with someone before I die just so I know what it's like, but it will never be. Every day that thought rips my soul apart. I've felt more fondness for a stuffed animal I've had for the past 16 years than I have for any human. I fucking hate myself for that.

 

[Cepi]

You made a good attempt coming here and venting your frustrations with yourself. Truth be told I think you're worrying too much about having a "genuine" connection with someone. Just make a friend, online or real life. You don't have to be like everyone else and have these certain emotions for other people. Just do the best you can for now and hope you may change. Whatever happens next is up to you. I feel like you can one day care for someone but things take time. Be patient and just try and maybe try again if things don't work out. You're doing awesome dude!

 

[february in alaska]

Felt this so hard. I've told people about how isolated I feel before and was met with "well it's not like you even try to reach out to people, you're doing it to yourself." They make it sound so easy, but I guess they're right. Self-imposed isolation has never felt so lonely. I don't know how to connect to others or be there for them or open up and at this point I don't have the motivation to try.

I don't know what the answer is or if the right people still just haven't come around. I hope it gets easier for you, though. For what it's worth I don't think you're a sociopath... I just think some of us, particularly the few of us that make it to this particular site, are already going through an overwhelming amount of mental shit to start with.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

Felt this so hard. I've told people about how isolated I feel before and was met with "well it's not like you even try to reach out to people, you're doing it to yourself." They make it sound so easy, but I guess they're right. Self-imposed isolation has never felt so lonely. I don't know how to connect to others or be there for them or open up and at this point I don't have the motivation to try.

I don't know what the answer is or if the right people still just haven't come around. I hope it gets easier for you, though. For what it's worth I don't think you're a sociopath... I just think some of us, particularly the few of us that make it to this particular site, are already going through an overwhelming amount of mental shit to start with.

wish i could simply press like. would that mean i like you going through your situation? not at all. even as an introvert, i've felt loneliness. maybe i'm not? but it doesn't effect me that much. not bragging. just don't know the feeling as much.

 

[Incandescent]

I lock myself away from others and hate myself for doing it. I'm so negative about my chances of maintaining connections I shut them down before they get shut down for me. I don't know what to do about it.

 

[jussaloser]

it probably wont make u feel any better but ive been dealing with the same problem my whole life i just cant fit into society.
no matter how many times u try u just end up alone and theres nobody to tell u what to do.

speaking to professionals could be a solution but just the thought of it makes me anxious.
nonetheless this is a good place to vent.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I lock myself away from others and hate myself for doing it. I'm so negative about my chances of maintaining connections I shut them down before they get shut down for me. I don't know what to do about it.

This. I was trying to figure out how to phrase it in my initial vent but couldn't figure it out. It describes me perfectly now. I've given up on trying because I've always failed in the end in the past. Can't get hurt if I don't try.

it probably wont make u feel any better but ive been dealing with the same problem my whole life i just cant fit into society.
no matter how many times u try u just end up alone and theres nobody to tell u what to do.

speaking to professionals could be a solution but just the thought of it makes me anxious.
nonetheless this is a good place to vent.

It does make me feel better, a lot better. I've tried speaking to therapists before and it's usually the "you have to try harder" and "practice your social skills" type of stuff. Back then I thought to myself "I'm already the loner weirdo who cares if they react negatively?" Usually, it never got past the "how are you doing?" phase. Can't practice my social skills if it doesn't get past that point, can I?

You made a good attempt coming here and venting your frustrations with yourself. Truth be told I think you're worrying too much about having a "genuine" connection with someone. Just make a friend, online or real life. You don't have to be like everyone else and have these certain emotions for other people. Just do the best you can for now and hope you may change. Whatever happens next is up to you. I feel like you can one day care for someone but things take time. Be patient and just try and maybe try again if things don't work out. You're doing awesome dude!

I know I worry about it too much. Is it unjustified to worry about loneliness? To wish for something that it seems like everyone else is able to have but you aren't? It sucks to feel as though you have no family, no friends, nobody at all. It's hard to care for someone when you know it'll be brief just as every other one was. I probably just need to learn to not be so clingy and just... not hope for much I guess? That way if it doesn't work out it isn't a big deal. Just wish I had the willpower to try again. I don't even know where to begin with any of this.

 

[Hollowman]

I used to be able to connect with people but after suffering brain damage it's become impossible. I've tried and failed many times, I need to give up and accept I'm incapable. It's hell, sorry you experience it too.