briarrose
pretty handsome awkward
- Sep 30, 2023
- 21
something just fully clicked in my head this morning and i do not want to be here anymore. my fiancée made an offhanded comment that hurt me, i told them i was hurt, and it devolved into them essentially being mad at me that i was hurt because it wasn't that big of a deal. they were mad that i was hurt, so i brushed it off and told them it was fine and that made them mad too. there was no winning. everything i did was wrong. it was my final straw. life is just a never ending performance with no script and everything you do and say is the wrong thing every single time. no one is every truly happy with your performance either. it's exhausting. the one person i was staying alive for is now the reason i'm giving up. it's tragic to a comedic degree.
i think i'm going to aim for around june or july of 2024. my mom is visiting in march so i want to see her one last time even though she made the first 22 or so years of my life miserable. that's more for her sake than mine. june 19 will by my five year anniversary with my fiancé, so although they are my final straw, i still want to give them that. i'm really hoping my sister's financial situation works out so that she can visit me one more time before i ctb because it absolutely devastates me to think i'll never see her again, especially because it was for her that i went to the hospital after my attempt in 2018. but i at least feel fulfilled knowing i stayed alive until her 18th birthday. i got to see my little sister become an adult and i'm satisfied. i'm proud of her.
i don't know how i'll ctb. i'm going to look into it. i have to do something discreet because i live with my fiancé, but i'll figure it out. i'm still on the fence because survival instincts tell me to stay alive because there's still so much i want to do like learn how to code and learn how to play guitar, but i know that existence doesn't get better. i'll only find peace in death. i personally believe i will reincarnate and i pray my next life is better. i hope i find happiness there. and if i don't reincarnate and there truly is nothing after death, and least nothing can hurt me anymore.
i think i'm going to aim for around june or july of 2024. my mom is visiting in march so i want to see her one last time even though she made the first 22 or so years of my life miserable. that's more for her sake than mine. june 19 will by my five year anniversary with my fiancé, so although they are my final straw, i still want to give them that. i'm really hoping my sister's financial situation works out so that she can visit me one more time before i ctb because it absolutely devastates me to think i'll never see her again, especially because it was for her that i went to the hospital after my attempt in 2018. but i at least feel fulfilled knowing i stayed alive until her 18th birthday. i got to see my little sister become an adult and i'm satisfied. i'm proud of her.
i don't know how i'll ctb. i'm going to look into it. i have to do something discreet because i live with my fiancé, but i'll figure it out. i'm still on the fence because survival instincts tell me to stay alive because there's still so much i want to do like learn how to code and learn how to play guitar, but i know that existence doesn't get better. i'll only find peace in death. i personally believe i will reincarnate and i pray my next life is better. i hope i find happiness there. and if i don't reincarnate and there truly is nothing after death, and least nothing can hurt me anymore.
