ihavetoleave
Member
- Dec 28, 2020
- 89
After clinging to the side of a cliff in my life for a very long time, I know what I have to do, and I will have to do it soon. I'm out of options, no matter how scared of death I am I believe there will be nothing, and nothing would be better than this limbo I've been in. I'm almost 40 and I've dug myself into a deep hole for several reasons and there is no hope.
My debt is being sent to collections. I have no income, the debt is crushing and it is due to my own behavior and bad decisions over many years. I'm having to live with my parents who cannot help me and should not, this is a situation I've made for myself and they don't deserve to continue to have to deal with me. They are the only people in my life after all of my mistakes and I feel terrible for failing them and everyone else.
I've ruined all of the partnerships I've had and it is all my fault. I've done terrible things to each partner and I cannot forgive myself, things too awful to write here. I don't deserve forgiveness and I have no hope of forgiving myself and I don't want to.
I have no friends for the same reasons. I've always been a bad friend, a selfish person and this has been consistent my whole life.
If I had one of these problems I could perhaps see a way forward, but all of the most important areas of my life have been destroyed. I have no energy to try to rebuild, it will take another 40 years to even scratch the surface. People make the ultimate decision to end their lives based on only one of these areas, but all of them, ruining my relationships over the years with friends, family, and partners, ruining my finances, ruining my career and any chance at a new one, I've destroyed everything a human being needs to have something to live for. I spend each day stressed and waiting to sleep, I'm not adding value to the world and to the lives of others and this is no way to live.
I've held on because I'm selfish and scared, how small of me. I have SN and I will take it as soon as I am able where I will not be found in time, not tonight but I will try to very soon. SS as a community is a comforting place for those who are struggling, I hope most of you are able to get past your pain and if not that you have more courage than I do. Thank you for putting up with me, my negative and panicked posts, and for doing your best to help others who have fallen on hard times in the best way you can.
My debt is being sent to collections. I have no income, the debt is crushing and it is due to my own behavior and bad decisions over many years. I'm having to live with my parents who cannot help me and should not, this is a situation I've made for myself and they don't deserve to continue to have to deal with me. They are the only people in my life after all of my mistakes and I feel terrible for failing them and everyone else.
I've ruined all of the partnerships I've had and it is all my fault. I've done terrible things to each partner and I cannot forgive myself, things too awful to write here. I don't deserve forgiveness and I have no hope of forgiving myself and I don't want to.
I have no friends for the same reasons. I've always been a bad friend, a selfish person and this has been consistent my whole life.
If I had one of these problems I could perhaps see a way forward, but all of the most important areas of my life have been destroyed. I have no energy to try to rebuild, it will take another 40 years to even scratch the surface. People make the ultimate decision to end their lives based on only one of these areas, but all of them, ruining my relationships over the years with friends, family, and partners, ruining my finances, ruining my career and any chance at a new one, I've destroyed everything a human being needs to have something to live for. I spend each day stressed and waiting to sleep, I'm not adding value to the world and to the lives of others and this is no way to live.
I've held on because I'm selfish and scared, how small of me. I have SN and I will take it as soon as I am able where I will not be found in time, not tonight but I will try to very soon. SS as a community is a comforting place for those who are struggling, I hope most of you are able to get past your pain and if not that you have more courage than I do. Thank you for putting up with me, my negative and panicked posts, and for doing your best to help others who have fallen on hard times in the best way you can.