I couldn't do it, every time I'd put the blade to it I get flooded with thoughts of FK and R.J.
I wish I hadn't had come so far with it, maybe then it wouldn't flood my mind making it harder to act on my impulse.
So I'm not that big on crying but that moment I don't why i did. Every time I find myself back to places like this I realize just how right that ex was. nothing but a caged slug who can't kill himself already. 2020 memories are creeping back in after all this time and I loathe it.
That same night I was certain I could do it, because my impulse was high, I was listening to Zanarkand, but then after all those thoughts of fk/rj came flooding in, I ended up not, and just cutting for the first time, I didn't even realize it at first because I was in such a pensive mood, something thats never happened (cutting). Then I ended up listening to the soundtrack for fk so far like I usually do every night and shamefully awoke the next day, and the next until now, where I'm back at it believing I can ctb and just be in comfort in death yet those same thoughts will likely flood back in and stop me.
I don't stay with my parents anymore which was the only good thing.
This is the worse as its not even someone else as I have no one, but just my own thoughts stopping me, I don't understand, and no it's not a sign, because every time I think of it, the fate comes around always to put it all in check: nope, it comes to a screeching halt because going against my (what feels like fate over years) I'm supposed to have ctb already, yet I keep defying it, prolonging my pain and causing irritation to others I come across, strangers or not, I've seen it happen every single time.
One day I can suppose I'll do it with impulse, be it with throat slitting, or jumping, left to bleed out, or I'll die the even more slow and painful death of old and decay.
If one asked me the central root of my pain, it would be money,
always working but never enough. Now more than ever, iykwim. thats about 70%.
On some brighter side i VSED for three days so far, my failure then made me, at least, more determined to VSED in the meantime.
alright i've made the air stale here long enough. i promised to try again this evening. Gonna try the impulse again, but not at night this time.
I wish I hadn't had come so far with it, maybe then it wouldn't flood my mind making it harder to act on my impulse.
So I'm not that big on crying but that moment I don't why i did. Every time I find myself back to places like this I realize just how right that ex was. nothing but a caged slug who can't kill himself already. 2020 memories are creeping back in after all this time and I loathe it.
That same night I was certain I could do it, because my impulse was high, I was listening to Zanarkand, but then after all those thoughts of fk/rj came flooding in, I ended up not, and just cutting for the first time, I didn't even realize it at first because I was in such a pensive mood, something thats never happened (cutting). Then I ended up listening to the soundtrack for fk so far like I usually do every night and shamefully awoke the next day, and the next until now, where I'm back at it believing I can ctb and just be in comfort in death yet those same thoughts will likely flood back in and stop me.
I don't stay with my parents anymore which was the only good thing.
This is the worse as its not even someone else as I have no one, but just my own thoughts stopping me, I don't understand, and no it's not a sign, because every time I think of it, the fate comes around always to put it all in check: nope, it comes to a screeching halt because going against my (what feels like fate over years) I'm supposed to have ctb already, yet I keep defying it, prolonging my pain and causing irritation to others I come across, strangers or not, I've seen it happen every single time.
One day I can suppose I'll do it with impulse, be it with throat slitting, or jumping, left to bleed out, or I'll die the even more slow and painful death of old and decay.
If one asked me the central root of my pain, it would be money,
always working but never enough. Now more than ever, iykwim. thats about 70%.
On some brighter side i VSED for three days so far, my failure then made me, at least, more determined to VSED in the meantime.
alright i've made the air stale here long enough. i promised to try again this evening. Gonna try the impulse again, but not at night this time.
