I've lost everyone that I've cared about due to mistakes I've made. I've decided to CTB.

[Sad_Salad_1]

Hey there,

I won't tell you my name but you can call me Salad as a moniker. I have made several mistakes in my life that I am not proud of at all. I am repentant of all of them and do not wish to cause harm in any capacity.

I have been severely depressed and in therapy since I could remember. I made my first attempt at my life when I was in elementary school. I made my second in high school. I'm now prepared for my final attempt. I have been frequenting this forum, in search, for information on methods I could use to be successful this time around. I have chosen to use SN with antiemetics that I was able to secure online.

About 4 years back, I felt that my treatment was finally breaking through. I had a close circle of friends that I could rely on whenever I felt low (Unfortunately, My family is not part of that as they never believed in mental illness). A good job in the computer science field that I really loved. A wonderful home for myself. I really thought that I was starting to heal after a lifetime of depression, suicidal tendencies, self-harm, and general unhappiness.

Now cue to a year ago, I don't want to specify what I did but it's along the lines of addiction. I made mistakes that I wish I could take back. I have cheated people out of things that they deserved that I didn't then. Those secrets had ruined me internally, then. They still do now. However, they stayed buried then.

Now cue to a month ago, those secrets came out to light. They spread like wildfire. Everyone in my life was aware of my past and how I used to be. They didn't take kindly to that information and decided to cut me out of their lives. I also happened to lose my job due to COVID-19.

I am now the most depressed I have been in my life. Having had a taste of stability, it leaves the foulest taste in my mouth to have that ripped from me. I know they probably wouldn't care much about me ending up dead but I have prepared several suicide notes, customized for each of my friends. I have consulted an attorney to help me write up a will that would bequeath several of my belongings to them. I still have to come to terms with my decision to end my life but I am mentally preparing myself for this. I will most likely do it in two weeks to allow myself to enjoy the last things I hold dear in my life. I might take a trip to see something, I don't know.

If you took the time to read this, Thank you. I'm open to suggestions or comments.

 

[foxdie]

I'm sad you find yourself here but I feel your pain.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Welcome to the forum. Sorry life has brought you to such a place. I know how you feel in some ways, I had a good job in medicine, a house etc then I lost it all through bad decisions and choices. It's horrible when you watch everything you've worked for and everything you earned just slip away.

 

[alexit]

I am not going to tell you what you're doing is right or wrong. That decision is yours, and whatever you decide I respect. But if you ask for my opinion as how I see things. I think torching everything around you, attachments, relationships, whatever is not unequivocally bad. It's a way of life for me. I love the freedom it grants me.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Since you are open to suggestions and comments, and only because you are...

Given your early history, I would not say any of this had you not found stability. That means you are capable of having a foundation.

When I look at all you wrote, I think of equanimity. I, too, gained stability in spite of my early foundations of abuse and mental health challenges. I'm now 49, and it wasn't until the past few years that I achieved stability in spite of turmoils, where I can have equanimity -- a consistent sense of self and self-acceptance -- when things are very high, when things are tumultuous, and when things are low. There are two things that help me to frame this. The first is the Buddhist concept of the eight worldly winds or vicissitudes, things that every human will experience outside of their control, and the goal is to remain grounded through all of them: pain and pleasure, gain and loss, fame and ill repute (reputation), praise and blame. Think of the person who wins the lottery and ends up worse than before; great highs can throw someone off from themselves as much as great troubles. Stoic philosophy reflects this: "Those who are without skill and sense as to how they should live, like sick people whose bodies can endure neither heat nor cold, are elated by good fortune and depressed by adversity; and they are greately disturbed by both, or rather by themselves in both, and not less in those circumstances called good." (Plutarch)

I've been through so many cycles in my life. I look at what you're experiencing and I think of how there are things to your advantage. There are no more secrets. You are free of them waiting in the shadows and threatening you. You can make amends, you can (as you have been) become a better person because of the shame of not wanting to be "that person" who did "those things," and you can be totally who you are, past and present. Those who dumped you because of the past without considering the character you consistently demonstrate? Buh-bye. Yet also, they didn't know the whole story, so your intimate relationships were built on an impartial or shaky foundation. Moving forward, you can be totally honest about your past and your whole self, and people can decide based on honesty whether or not to pursue building a relationship with you because they have the whole picture. There are plenty of people who will accept you. You have proven to yourself your own goodness and worthiness by having overcome the more base things about yourself. You have lack now, but the future relationships you build will based on honesty and transparency, and will be stronger for it.

I can't speak to the job situation, only the social situation.

In short, I see good in this. Things may have crashed down, but you can build again, and build stronger and better. And you won't have to hide the truth anymore, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Empathy is the antidote to shame; there are others who can say, "Yeah, I've done some shitty things, too. I have regrets, too. I've moved forward, too." Really in life, I think sometimes that's the best we can hope for, not to never fuck up, but to grow from it and do better. People who can do that, I think the world is better for having them in it than not. It's the people who don't want to do better, who want to keep fucking over others, that are a problem for themselves and others, because they can't safely connect. And I know there are people on the forum who have admitted to being that way, and they may read this and think I'm encouraging them to suicide; I'm not. But we are social animals, and the things we do impact others, and the things others do impact us. The world is better when we become aware of that and do something with it. That's my perspective. I'm not the boss of the world, and no matter what, I would never encourage someone to suicide based on ethics or morals, that is for their own soul to deal with, and I sincerely wish them well. I have compassion for them, too. I don't get to decide the value or validity of someone else's journey, and that would be way too burdensome of a responsibility if I did.

But about you. I see opportunity. I see the possibility for you to rise from the rubble and rebuild something even better than before. And if you decide that suicide is the best choice for you, I'll respect that. I respect your autonomy.

If it helps, I would suggest you write a thread about the things you did. You're anonymous here. It would take courage, and you may take some hits, but I'm willing to bet that it will be a relief to put it out into the light rather than hiding it in the dark, and I'm relatively confident that you will get some of that empathy, compassion, and acceptance that will combat the shame. Shame can be a killer. I'd hate to see it kill you when it doesn't have to.

Whatever you decide, I respect you and I send you compassion.

 

[insurancepolicy]

Unfortunately you're here. But welcome.

My story is very similar to yours except that (as far as I was aware) my mental illness didn't start popping up or affecting my life until after college.

Then drug abuse changed everything from then on that led to many awful choices and secrets that would then come to light. Full on mental breakdowns later and here I am as well

I definitely understand.

You're ahead of me though in that you have your method chosen and available to you. I've bounced around from violent methods (before discovering SS) to SN and N now. Could use some help with that if you wouldn't mind sharing.

Again. Welcome. This place has helped me tremendously. I hope you get what you want out of it as well. Whatever that is.