I've spent the majority of my adult years fighting to find a reason to stay alive. I've given up on life too many times and I have ultimately given up on myself. A therapist asked me "what keeps you going" and I answered "hope that maybe today will be the day I find IT. That something I've been searching for to no avail"
I used to come up with all these different reasons to keep going. To keep trying. But truthfully, I didn't mean any of it. Life has become an experiment for me.
How much discomfort can I take?
How much pain? Sadness? Abandonment? Self loathing?
In 2021 my dad CTB.
He confided in me over the years about how he wished he could end it all. How he was in so much pain. He always talked like this but ultimately he couldn't stomach a painful death by gun or hanging. So he turned to drugs at a young age. In 2021 he was 44 years old, homeless, about to be a double amputee and when he asked me to move to his area to help take care of him, I laughed. I said "why would I drop everything I'm doing in my life to come take care of you? You never took care of me" this broke his heart, and my own because I've always idolized him. I thought I was making a point by saying something so heartless to him. But I brushed off how guilty I felt. And continued partying and numbing the hole that was left inside me from his absence all my life.
He did his research. He made his way to Tijuana, to a Vet. the vet was sympathetic and gave him the N. When he got home on August 21, 2021 to his room in a converted hotel, he texted me. He told me he'd made it and got what he needed to be at peace. And I knew he was going to die that night, but I refused to believe it in that moment.
One of his last texts read "I know this is the worst thing a father could ever offer his daughter. But you could come with me. You don't have to be alone. I'm not offering, It's just a situation I'm giving you the option to ask me for"
I wish so badly I would have asked for him to take me with him. Now I have to do it alone. Like he did, and that breaks my heart even more.
I just needed to put this to paper. Get my thoughts straight.
I used to come up with all these different reasons to keep going. To keep trying. But truthfully, I didn't mean any of it. Life has become an experiment for me.
How much discomfort can I take?
How much pain? Sadness? Abandonment? Self loathing?
In 2021 my dad CTB.
He confided in me over the years about how he wished he could end it all. How he was in so much pain. He always talked like this but ultimately he couldn't stomach a painful death by gun or hanging. So he turned to drugs at a young age. In 2021 he was 44 years old, homeless, about to be a double amputee and when he asked me to move to his area to help take care of him, I laughed. I said "why would I drop everything I'm doing in my life to come take care of you? You never took care of me" this broke his heart, and my own because I've always idolized him. I thought I was making a point by saying something so heartless to him. But I brushed off how guilty I felt. And continued partying and numbing the hole that was left inside me from his absence all my life.
He did his research. He made his way to Tijuana, to a Vet. the vet was sympathetic and gave him the N. When he got home on August 21, 2021 to his room in a converted hotel, he texted me. He told me he'd made it and got what he needed to be at peace. And I knew he was going to die that night, but I refused to believe it in that moment.
One of his last texts read "I know this is the worst thing a father could ever offer his daughter. But you could come with me. You don't have to be alone. I'm not offering, It's just a situation I'm giving you the option to ask me for"
I wish so badly I would have asked for him to take me with him. Now I have to do it alone. Like he did, and that breaks my heart even more.
I just needed to put this to paper. Get my thoughts straight.
