I’ve decided to quietly destroy myself

[Renv1o_]

I'm done trying to get help and assure people I'm getting better or that I believe I'll be okay. I love my girlfriend and my family but I can't keep up with this feeling that I'm going to snap. I'm out of school and work for the year, so now the time is better than ever to relapse into everything while everyone else is busy.

I'll be quiet this time. I'll make sure no one sees it. I can't die. I can't handle the thought of ruining my mum in that way- But I can do drugs, sh and starve and take it all out on my body.
I'm selfish for doing this after promising everyone around me that I'll refrain from it all, but I can't take it anymore. Seriously, I feel so dull and bored of this stupid anxiety and fighting with myself. I'll pretend to be better, for the sake of everyone else. This is a promise to myself and an apology to the people I love. I just can't do it anymore. I want to ruin myself every day. Nearly 2 months clean and I'm going to throw it all away soon. I'm done trying.

I am an awful person but I'm becoming more and more okay with that fact.

 

[human909]

I feel you, I hope you find peace someday.

 

[Renv1o_]

I feel you, I hope you find peace someday.

thank you <3

 

[Jadeith]

But I can do drugs, sh and starve and take it all out on my body.

Not to spoil your plan but these things, if discovered, will ruin your mum. Just sayin...

 

[Renv1o_]

Not to spoil your plan but these things, if discovered, will ruin your mum. Just sayin...

Even when I was in a&e every week because of my habits, my mum didn't seem too bothered. She's fine as long as i'm alive (hell, she still even jokes and laughs about my scars and how I can't be trusted with my own meds.)
Everything is just a small nuisance.

That being said, I know what I do to myself hurts people and I know relapsing will be horrible after all their support, if it's discovered- But I can't find it in myself to care anymore. I need this, even if it makes me awful.

 

[Jadeith]

Oh, sorry. Must've misunderstood your first post then. But still - i do not find the reason to thing you are awful. You expected help and support form the ones closest to you and you did not received it. Instead you got mockery and neglect. That hurts. But - i got feeling that what you about to do is intended to cause harm to those who wronged you which makes me wonder. Will it actually hurt them? Or just reinforce their beliefs about you and the only one who gets hurt is you? Doubly so because you'll not only cause damage to yourself but also won't get the reaction from them you hoped for.

 

[Renv1o_]

Oh, sorry. Must've misunderstood your first post then. But still - i do not find the reason to thing you are awful. You expected help and support form the ones closest to you and you did not received it. Instead you got mockery and neglect. That hurts. But - i got feeling that what you about to do is intended to cause harm to those who wronged you which makes me wonder. Will it actually hurt them? Or just reinforce their beliefs about you and the only one who gets hurt is you? Doubly so because you'll not only cause damage to yourself but also won't get the reaction from them you hoped for.

Don't be sorry!! I'm awful at explaining myself and I'm mostly just dumping my thoughts out there haha ;;

I don't want a reaction or sympathy. Quite the opposite !! The goal is to indulge in self destructive habits unnoticed-
Im the issue, not anyone around me.

 

[Jadeith]

We got difference of the opinions there, that's for sure. But that's ok. See, I might not know you but something tells me that you are not a problem. You got a problem, that's for sure. But you....? Somehow I don't think so.

 

[KillingPain267]

I'm done trying to get help and assure people I'm getting better or that I believe I'll be okay. I love my girlfriend and my family but I can't keep up with this feeling that I'm going to snap. I'm out of school and work for the year, so now the time is better than ever to relapse into everything while everyone else is busy.

I'll be quiet this time. I'll make sure no one sees it. I can't die. I can't handle the thought of ruining my mum in that way- But I can do drugs, sh and starve and take it all out on my body.
I'm selfish for doing this after promising everyone around me that I'll refrain from it all, but I can't take it anymore. Seriously, I feel so dull and bored of this stupid anxiety and fighting with myself. I'll pretend to be better, for the sake of everyone else. This is a promise to myself and an apology to the people I love. I just can't do it anymore. I want to ruin myself every day. Nearly 2 months clean and I'm going to throw it all away soon. I'm done trying.

I am an awful person but I'm becoming more and more okay with that fact.

Oh man this sounds so relatable. I'm also only staying sober and clean to keep up appearances, but that's because there are people who will take away my freedom if I go all out into self-destruction. It's hard to keep it "quiet this time" as you said, because there will be withdrawal symptoms when family visits. Self-harming will also be visible, so be careful to cover up bruises or scars if ever. But apart from that, you do not wanna perish from liver disease, so beware of alcohol. Even heroin is less harmful to the body. You do not wanna die from organ failures though. It's too painful.

 

[Renv1o_]

Oh man this sounds so relatable. I'm also only staying sober and clean to keep up appearances, but that's because there are people who will take away my freedom if I go all out into self-destruction. It's hard to keep it "quiet this time" as you said, because there will be withdrawal symptoms when family visits. Self-harming will also be visible, so be careful to cover up bruises or scars if ever. But apart from that, you do not wanna perish from liver disease, so beware of alcohol. Even heroin is less harmful to the body. You do not wanna die from organ failures though. It's too painful.

you're so real actually thank you for being so kind