I've decided on SN (+rant)

[TVtrays]

I was able to get ahold of metoclopramide and I have several dozen tablets of it. I have emetophobia so I'm a frequent user of antiemetics. This is probably not the best method for somebody with emetophobia but it's the most accessible method to me at this time. My meto is 2 years expired so in the day and hours before I consume the SN, I'll take 15mg every eight hours, and 50 about an hour before I consume the SN. I'm having my alprazolam script filled so I can take 2mg of it along with my 50mg dose of meto, unless the alprazolam will interfere, then I will live without it. (No pun intended lol)
I'm ordering about 100g of pure SN
Edit: is this enough to stop me from vomiting from SN?

Now with the rant
I've found that every time I plan to ctb and fail, my life gets worse.
In February, I tried to hang myself and the next day, I had to flee from my house and I got raped the first place I stayed.
Two days ago, I received some really bad news from social security so I walked to an overpass, planning to jump but a friend talked me down. I went home and the next day, I get blocked on everything by my best friend/ ex gf because I have so many issues that are too overwhelming for her to handle, so I went again to a parking structure. I just moved this week to somewhere that has no tall buildings for miles except for this parking structure and as I'm walking up to the ledge, I see police officers parked below and someone behind me started walking towards me so I took the elevator down to ground level and left the structure out a back exit. I went home, and got a call from my mother who had found my journal from a year ago where I had written a 34 page anger letter where I expressed in great detail how much I hate her and my father. It was meant to be a therapeutic thing for my eyes only but she decided to go through the shit I haven't moved to my new place yet and found it.
Every time I fail to ctb, I end up regretting it. There hasn't been a moment where I felt lucky to be alive, even though all my friends are happy that I haven't died. Through all these sort of impulsive moments where I just want to drown out the strong emotional pain, I know that I'm experiencing more pain than I can reasonably handle on a long term basis. The only thing that comforts me is the knowledge I'm going to be dead very soon.

 

[TVtrays]

I just bought my SN. It should be here in 5 days. I got my meto, too. It couldn't get here soon enough tbh

 

[randomz]

I feel the pain you are going through and I am sorry to hear about all this horrible stuff that happened to you, but are you absolutely sure this is your only option? Have you tried therapy and medication? The fact that you have friends and that they are happy to see you alive means you are a great person who is valued and has something to live for.

 

[theguineapigking]

Oh my gosh. I'm very sorry for what you've been through. That sounds horrible. And what happened when you stayed at the first place is just horrible. :( I certainly did not expect to read that. How bad has that hurt you? Is that pushing you more to ending it?

I have to ask, have you tried any meds for your mental health? I know that meds are often overrated, but they CAN help.

Like randomz said,you have Friends that care about you and are happy you're alive. (I am very sorry about you being blocked. Some people just can't handle the stress I guess...) Do you feel close with your mom? Is that anger letter from when you were younger and perhaps things weren't going well for some time? Can you talk to your mom about that? It does certainly seem like you're cared about. So please rethink this and be positive it's what you want.


I am here if you need someone to talk to. Most people don't take me up on that. But I do mean it. You can just vent or talk about whatever. I don't mind. I completely understand if you don't want to though. It's just an open offer.


I wish you the best in the meantime. I hope you find happiness somehow.

 

[TVtrays]

Oh my gosh. I'm very sorry for what you've been through. That sounds horrible. And what happened when you stayed at the first place is just horrible. :( I certainly did not expect to read that. How bad has that hurt you? Is that pushing you more to ending it?

I have to ask, have you tried any meds for your mental health? I know that meds are often overrated, but they CAN help.

Like randomz said,you have Friends that care about you and are happy you're alive. (I am very sorry about you being blocked. Some people just can't handle the stress I guess...) Do you feel close with your mom? Is that anger letter from when you were younger and perhaps things weren't going well for some time? Can you talk to your mom about that? It does certainly seem like you're cared about. So please rethink this and be positive it's what you want.


I am here if you need someone to talk to. Most people don't take me up on that. But I do mean it. You can just vent or talk about whatever. I don't mind. I completely understand if you don't want to though. It's just an open offer.


I wish you the best in the meantime. I hope you find happiness somehow.

I honestly hate my mom. She was abusive when I was growing up and treats me like I'm slow or something. That anger letter applies today more than ever, honestly.
No meds have ever helped me. It's all circumstance. I basically feel I was born to die..
And randomz, I appreciate it but I've spent far too much time putting this off, hoping things will get better. This is it for me. A moment alive is a moment suffering

 

[theguineapigking]

I honestly hate my mom. She was abusive when I was growing up and treats me like I'm slow or something. That anger letter applies today more than ever, honestly.
No meds have ever helped me. It's all circumstance. I basically feel I was born to die..
And randomz, I appreciate it but I've spent far too much time putting this off, hoping things will get better. This is it for me. A moment alive is a moment suffering

That's just horrible. It must have been so hard growing up with abuse. I don't know how people can mentally deal with that. You're stronger than me for sure.


Have you looked at the sn megathread or "Stan's Guide" ? This tells you the approximate amount of meto to use with SN. It was something around 20-25 grams of sn and 30 mg meto with it(shortly before). There's info on the 48 hr regimen too.


I know that I can't make you feel much better or really help you. But I do care. My offer still stands if you need to chat at all..you can pm me if that works.

In the meantime, is there anything you can do to make your last moments more enjoyable? Funny tv shows? Going out to eat when/where you normally wouldn't? Please try to relax as much as you can. You have sn on the way. You can keep that in your mind to keep your sanity.


Sending my genuine best wishes.

 

[k75]

Even expired, your Meto will not have degraded enough to require that much of an increase. If I were you, I'd still stick with the normal amounts. I take it because of a medical issue and have some leftovers with a 2018 expiration, and it works just fine still.

 

[TVtrays]

That's just horrible. It must have been so hard growing up with abuse. I don't know how people can mentally deal with that. You're stronger than me for sure.


Have you looked at the sn megathread or "Stan's Guide" ? This tells you the approximate amount of meto to use with SN. It was something around 20-25 grams of sn and 30 mg meto with it(shortly before). There's info on the 48 hr regimen too.


I know that I can't make you feel much better or really help you. But I do care. My offer still stands if you need to chat at all..you can pm me if that works.

In the meantime, is there anything you can do to make your last moments more enjoyable? Funny tv shows? Going out to eat when/where you normally wouldn't? Please try to relax as much as you can. You have sn on the way. You can keep that in your mind to keep your sanity.


Sending my genuine best wishes.

I don't think I've ever had a look at that sn thread. If it's the one under "resources" then I have.
These next few days, I'm gonna marathon Steven Universe and hopefully get some of my favorite snacks so I can make my last week on Earth at least remotely enjoyable.
Also, I think I'll take you up on that. It'd be nice to pm and actually talk to somebody about this.

 

[Deleted member 14177]

Wishing you so much peace. I hope you have a wonderful few final days.

 

[TVtrays]

I just put together a playlist I'm going to listen to once I take my SN
1. Au Revior Simone: Another Likely Story
2. Death Cab for Cutie: The New Year
3. Death Cab for Cutie: Lack of Color
4. Belle and Sebastian: Waiting for the Moon to Rise
5. The Postal Service: Sleeping in
6. The Postal Service: Brand New Colony
7. The Postal Service: This Place is a Prison
8. Death Cab for Cutie: Bend to Squares
9. Death Cab for Cutie: For What Reason
10. Death Cab for Cutie: TV Trays

 

[Giraffey]

As a fellow emetophobic, I just wanted to say that I sympathise with your worries about the SN method. Like most methods that involve ingesting substances, it wasn't an option for me. Not only due to the risk of vomiting, but I can't take meto - I get the deeply unpleasant extrapyramidal side effects. Of course, there are other anti-emetics and some are more potent than others but I have no knowledge of how they would work in the context of SN.

Wishing you peace and strength

 

[TVtrays]

I just put together a playlist I'm going to listen to once I take my SN
1. Au Revior Simone: Another Likely Story
2. Death Cab for Cutie: The New Year
3. Death Cab for Cutie: Lack of Color
4. Belle and Sebastian: Waiting for the Moon to Rise
5. The Postal Service: Sleeping in
6. The Postal Service: Brand New Colony
7. The Postal Service: This Place is a Prison
8. Death Cab for Cutie: Bend to Squares
9. Death Cab for Cutie: For What Reason
10. Death Cab for Cutie: TV Trays

Actually, no, because my phone stopped working!
I just keep getting signs that it's time for me to go

As a fellow emetophobic, I just wanted to say that I sympathise with your worries about the SN method. Like most methods that involve ingesting substances, it wasn't an option for me. Not only due to the risk of vomiting, but I can't take meto - I get the deeply unpleasant extrapyramidal side effects. Of course, there are other anti-emetics and some are more potent than others but I have no knowledge of how they would work in the context of SN.

Wishing you peace and strength

Also, thank you for this. I've been struggling a lot with methods becuase of my phobia. It's super validating of you to say that tbh