NSFW i've been crying everyday.. help

[watereyes]

[warning, it gets a little nsfw]

i know it's stupid and it's always the same thing.
same as ever i just hate that i can't be a real girl. even when i pass it doesnt matter deep inside i just don't feel right. the weird thing is that i dont even deny that other trans girls are real girls. but i personally can't see myself as one. even when i pass it's just... it's just not fucking right i was not born right I don't have XX chromosomes and i can't pretend i do. I'm not a boy either because i don't look like one and i don't see that either.

I'm just that weird creature with tits and a tiny dicklet. how else could i describe it? i dont wanna be like that. some days i look in the mirror and i swear i'm so pretty and i thought thats all i needed to see a girl. but i need more, and i can't achieve that. no matter how hard i cry and scream.

my gf is also trans and i've been crying in her arms a lot. I asked myself the question of why i was dating a trans woman and not a cis woman or cis man. and now i realize that i understand trans women more than anyone else. I understand nothing about guys, what they want and stuff.
I am more comfortable with cis girls as we can relate on more things but not *quite* everything. So I have been thinking that trans is just its own thing, no matter what you identify as. And that makes me sad. Cause I don't wanna be trans. I want to be a real girl. i get the problems girls get (including abdominal pain) + the problems that trans people get.

and that leads me to cry. sometimes in my girlfriend's arms sometimes alone. The other day i was so miserable i was screaming so loudly i made her cry too. because its too much to handle.
so whats the point of me screeching in sadness if at the end the pain is even heavier. I'm just inflicting all that pain on my girlfriend but at the same time i can't pretend to be happy. I can try but if i do i'll just cry harder. if i lose her i'm fucked. when i'm around her is the only time i feel a little better about myself. enough to smile, at least.


jsuis une grosse tapette c'est tout


it's just a game i cannot win.

 

[sannoji]

god yeah i feel you, it can be so rough. i'm the same but the other way (ftm) and it feels awful to feel like you'll never quite be the same as cis people and just feel like your body's wrong no matter what you do. it's a problem that i can't ever solve either, sometimes it's like we can only make ourselves just a bit more comfortable. and the bit about knowing other trans people truly are their genders but not being able to feel that about yourself is so real. even being told i am never quite sticks in my case…

i hope you're at least able to have some times when your pain over this eases a little. at least for me it feels like it will never fully go away but i hope you're able to have as many of those brief respites as you can. sending hugs

 

[TraumaEscapee:)]

I am not trans, I am biologically a female. However, I want to respond. You are beautiful and you can be whatever you want to be. What makes you feel like you aren't a girl? Is it your features? If it's because you haven't had top surgery, can I please suggest that you buy a small bra roughly a size A-C? You can put cups inside your bra. They're clear silicone cups and it will look like you have breasts. My foster sister was a little on the smaller side and she did this all the time. I have the opposite problem mine are embarrassingly big. If it's because you have a large "dicklet" and you want to hide it, I would suggest wearing skirts and tights, something lose fitting in that area so the shape isn't pronounced. You can buy a wig of Amazon (they're not expensive at all). A lot of trans people are great at makeup. You can put makeup on. I bet you look like such a beautiful and pretty girl. Please don't cry. You are a girl. It doesn't matter what is in your underwear, you are a girl.

I am a biological female and I can tell you that being a biological female isn't all that fun. When I get a period, it hurts. Now I'm not talking minor pain, I'm talking the type of stomach ache you get when you have food poisoning pain. The type that makes it hard for me to walk and makes me want to cry. Periods sometimes they can get on your bed sheets, not pleasant at all (sorry not trying to gross you out) they smell too of rotting strawberries in my case, it's not nice washing your vagina when your on your period. We can bear children (some of us as I have fertility problems) some of us can bear children, but it's like pushing a watermelon out of a keyhole. It's hard and painful. It's why some women need to be high during birth on morphine.

We have to shave a lot, boys don't have to, we do. We get sexually harassed if we are attractive and bullied if we're not. Boys don't have that problem, if they're hot girls want them, if they're not hot girls still want them. Us biological females also go through menopause which isn't nice.

Are you upset because you haven't had surgery yet? If so, can you speak to your doctor about it? Go on hormone blockers and go on the list for surgery?

I want you to be aware that if you do get a vagina, you will be forced to dialate it every day once you transition. You have to stretch it with something and it isn't pleasant, for the rest of your life. I just want you to know this. It doesn't matter if you have the physical features or not, you are a beautiful female and keep your chin up and just remember you are perfect the way you are.

 

[watereyes]

I am not trans, I am biologically a female. However, I want to respond. You are beautiful and you can be whatever you want to be. What makes you feel like you aren't a girl? Is it your features? If it's because you haven't had top surgery, can I please suggest that you buy a small bra roughly a size A-C? You can put cups inside your bra. They're clear silicone cups and it will look like you have breasts. My foster sister was a little on the smaller side and she did this all the time. I have the opposite problem mine are embarrassingly big. If it's because you have a large "dicklet" and you want to hide it, I would suggest wearing skirts and tights, something lose fitting in that area so the shape isn't pronounced. You can buy a wig of Amazon (they're not expensive at all). A lot of trans people are great at makeup. You can put makeup on. I bet you look like such a beautiful and pretty girl. Please don't cry. You are a girl. It doesn't matter what is in your underwear, you are a girl.

Hi, thank you for your response. I've been on HRT since i'm 18, and the last thing that makes me less passable is my voice. Whatever other trans women tell you, 18 is already too late, because of the voice. I am lucky enough though to be unable to grow a beard or much hair at all. Some hair on the legs is all. As for top surgery, not all trans women get it. i do have B cup tits but thats as far as it gets, I wish they were bigger. As for my dicklet, its tiny for a guy ofc, but to big for anything a girl would have.

I am a biological female and I can tell you that being a biological female isn't all that fun. When I get a period, it hurts. Now I'm not talking minor pain, I'm talking the type of stomach ache you get when you have food poisoning pain. The type that makes it hard for me to walk and makes me want to cry. Periods sometimes they can get on your bed sheets, not pleasant at all (sorry not trying to gross you out) they smell too of rotting strawberries in my case, it's not nice washing your vagina when your on your period. We can bear children (some of us as I have fertility problems) some of us can bear children, but it's like pushing a watermelon out of a keyhole. It's hard and painful. It's why some women need to be high during birth on morphine.

We have to shave a lot, boys don't have to, we do. We get sexually harassed if we are attractive and bullied if we're not. Boys don't have that problem, if they're hot girls want them, if they're not hot girls still want them. Us biological females also go through menopause which isn't nice.

I talked about the pain a little in chat. A common misconception is that trans women don't get hormonal related pain like cis women do. But oh my god some of us do. Basically estrogen makes the colon contract like crazy and sometimes the pain is excruciating. I am not fertile as i cannot produce sperm.
You cis women have to go through menopause but we trans women went to male puberty which is a nightmare when you have dysphoria. I'm not saying this lightly because i still have scars on my body because of it.
Also since I can't produce my own estrogen and that HRT is a complicated process, I've had my hormones rise and fall to levels no cis women or cis men would experience. I've had my testosterone through the roof at some point after a year on HRT which made me completely break down and extremely aggressive, and I've also had my estrogen through the roof (as high as pregnant women) so I was crying all the time and screaming in pain.

One last thing is I get harrassed a ton, so people don't envy me.

My point in my post is that I do get the problems cis women get, and I even sometimes pass. But the problem is that it's not *real*. I'm not a real girl, I'm the imitation. I have XY chromosomes. If i get a vagina it won't be real. Same with other surgeries. My tits are real but they look like shit. How can I feel good about myself if i know i'm an imitation?

Also half of the world wants me dead without even knowing me. Because I'm a little tr*nny fa***t piece of shit. I get called at all the time when I tell people I'm trans.


Thank you for your response.

 

[TraumaEscapee:)]

Hi, thank you for your response. I've been on HRT since i'm 18, and the last thing that makes me less passable is my voice. Whatever other trans women tell you, 18 is already too late, because of the voice. I am lucky enough though to be unable to grow a beard or much hair at all. Some hair on the legs is all. As for top surgery, not all trans women get it. i do have B cup tits but thats as far as it gets, I wish they were bigger. As for my dicklet, its tiny for a guy ofc, but to big for anything a girl would have.



I talked about the pain a little in chat. A common misconception is that trans women don't get hormonal related pain like cis women do. But oh my god some of us do. Basically estrogen makes the colon contract like crazy and sometimes the pain is excruciating. I am not fertile as i cannot produce sperm.
You cis women have to go through menopause but we trans women went to male puberty which is a nightmare when you have dysphoria. I'm not saying this lightly because i still have scars on my body because of it.
Also since I can't produce my own estrogen and that HRT is a complicated process, I've had my hormones rise and fall to levels no cis women or cis men would experience. I've had my testosterone through the roof at some point after a year on HRT which made me completely break down and extremely aggressive, and I've also had my estrogen through the roof (as high as pregnant women) so I was crying all the time and screaming in pain.

One last thing is I get harrassed a ton, so people don't envy me.

My point in my post is that I do get the problems cis women get, and I even sometimes pass. But the problem is that it's not *real*. I'm not a real girl, I'm the imitation. I have XY chromosomes. If i get a vagina it won't be real. Same with other surgeries. My tits are real but they look like shit. How can I feel good about myself if i know i'm an imitation?

Also half of the world wants me dead without even knowing me. Because I'm a little tr*nny fa***t piece of shit. I get called at all the time when I tell people I'm trans.


Thank you for your response.

I have a problem with my hormones too. I have an illness. I have to shave parts of my body that I shouldn't get hair but because of my illness I have high testosterone and other hormones. When I shave I bleed it hurts. So I somewhat understand what it's like to have an imbalance of hormones. I'm a female and I have a high level of male hormones. As a result and quite embarrassingly I get hair on my kneck and chin. Is it bad? No it's not purely because I have had treatment to get rid of the hair and because I shave it. I have things that males have that I shouldn't have because of my hormone inbalace so I can definately empathise with you there. I actually try and take supplements to balance my hormones but I'm only going to do that with losing weight which is hard.

I know exactly how it feels to want the body you don't have. I'm a girl and I don't have dysphoria or anything like that as I am not trans either. However, when you have a hormonal imbalance and grow hair in places you shouldn't it makes you feel trapped in the wrong body. In the past people have asked me if I was transitioning because I simply didn't shave my face for a few days. It's funny but was embarassing at the time. I shave it every day now. Electrolysis is very helpful and permanently gets rid of the hair but I would reccomend using Emla a numbing cream if you ever go down that route, it's what I have had to do. I was sexually abused as a child and raped as an adult. My body to me, is a constant reminder of the abuse, so I totally understand what it's like to have a body that you really don't want.

Look, it doesn't matter what you were born. If it makes you feel any better we all start of as girls in the womb, it's only later on that some girls turn into boys in the womb, however initially every starts of as a girl.

"Geneticists have discovered that all human embryos start life as females, as do all embryos of mammals. About the 2nd month the fetal tests elaborate enough androgens to offset the maternal estrogens and maleness develops."

So you're not just any girl, you're an original girl. Yes your body changed in the womb but at first you were a girl. If you want to still be a girl that's fine. You are not an imitation at all, you're simply wanting to be what you originally were.

Think of it like this. Before I went through puberty I was still a girl, when I went through puberty I got boobs and pubic hair and body hair in general because before puberty I was as hairless as a simese cat. Now lets apply that analogy to you. You were always a girl, but your body changed, it doesn't change who YOU are.

I'm sick and tired of trans people being bullied for who they are. You aren't an imitation and ignore the haters they really aren't worth your time. When I have children (have suffered multiple miscarriages) I will let them be whoever they want to be. Everyone has a right to be themselves.

The voice issue can be fixed. There is a thing called transgender voice surgery. Essentially it will make you sound like a female.

Transgender voice therapy and surgery - Mayo Clinic

www.mayoclinic.org

 

[Aisley]

[warning, it gets a little nsfw]

i know it's stupid and it's always the same thing.
same as ever i just hate that i can't be a real girl. even when i pass it doesnt matter deep inside i just don't feel right. the weird thing is that i dont even deny that other trans girls are real girls. but i personally can't see myself as one. even when i pass it's just... it's just not fucking right i was not born right I don't have XX chromosomes and i can't pretend i do. I'm not a boy either because i don't look like one and i don't see that either.

I'm just that weird creature with tits and a tiny dicklet. how else could i describe it? i dont wanna be like that. some days i look in the mirror and i swear i'm so pretty and i thought thats all i needed to see a girl. but i need more, and i can't achieve that. no matter how hard i cry and scream.

my gf is also trans and i've been crying in her arms a lot. I asked myself the question of why i was dating a trans woman and not a cis woman or cis man. and now i realize that i understand trans women more than anyone else. I understand nothing about guys, what they want and stuff.
I am more comfortable with cis girls as we can relate on more things but not *quite* everything. So I have been thinking that trans is just its own thing, no matter what you identify as. And that makes me sad. Cause I don't wanna be trans. I want to be a real girl. i get the problems girls get (including abdominal pain) + the problems that trans people get.

and that leads me to cry. sometimes in my girlfriend's arms sometimes alone. The other day i was so miserable i was screaming so loudly i made her cry too. because its too much to handle.
so whats the point of me screeching in sadness if at the end the pain is even heavier. I'm just inflicting all that pain on my girlfriend but at the same time i can't pretend to be happy. I can try but if i do i'll just cry harder. if i lose her i'm fucked. when i'm around her is the only time i feel a little better about myself. enough to smile, at least.


jsuis une grosse tapette c'est tout


it's just a game i cannot win.

Awe shit. I wish there were words. But there's nothing. You say help, but this evil is in your head. I know you know that already, I just wish there was a comfort to give. But you are the one who needs to find it, generate it from the inside. One of the curses of being a woman is how we get stuck in our heads and eat ourselves from the inside out over anything. You get used to this, or you don't.
Love and meager, insufficient empathy to you, and I'm sorry it's so meaningless.

 

[Ampsvx123]

We live in an hostile, hopeless and ugly decaying world. The end result is the same for all, A craving to leave and escape the perpetual malevolence.