lavendermeadows
Member
- Aug 13, 2023
- 49
I never had a chance in life. I experienced the severe end of child abuse growing up. I was sexually abused by my stepdad until I was 16. I didn't know that certain things were abuse until I was an adult because I was so used to it. I thought certain things happened to everyone. I saw things so disturbing I can't even write them on here. I'm an adult now with PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder. I have two children who I had during a great and mentally stable time in my life. That changed when my mom committed suicide. Ever since then I have been worse than ever. Lost my kids to their dad. I've been drunk for months. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I'm an awful parent. I failed my one duty. I miss them terribly. Ever since my mom died I was hospitalized three times for psychotic episodes… my moms death triggered the schizophrenia. I was bullied all throughout school when my life at home was already torture. I'm a stripper, a mom without her kids, no highschool diploma, alcoholic, there is nothing left for me here. I have a mental illness that will never go away that has taken away my functioning as a human being the schizophrenia. The only thing I have going for me is I am extremely conventionally attractive (I think low of myself anyways) but it makes things worse. I am in a vulnerable state really mentally I'll and can not make good choices for myself so my looks get me a lot of attention that end up with me being in danger. I get dates easily but they all leave because I'm insane so I just get heartbroken over and over. My childhood haunts me. All the abuse never gave me a chance in life…. My kids were my chance but now they're gone…… things will never be the same. I have no choice. I have slowly been planning my death. This is what I want. I've attempted before but failed. I might recreate the drug cocktail my mom took
