It's too painful to go on... but I have to wait a little longer.

[symphony]

The pain I'm in is so intense that surviving even a few more days seems impossible, unbearable. It's always this way. Yes, there are days it's "better", but even then it still hurts way, way too much.

But I can't ctb quite yet, for a few reasons.

• I'm not ready yet.
  • Any attempt I made in the near future would definitionally be impulsive since I don't have a good plan in place. I'd probably end up picking a terrible method and executing it poorly. I'd rather avoid that and wait until I can make a reasoned, informed attempt.
  • I don't currently have the means for any method I'd find preferable.
• Commitments to others.
  • I promised one friend I'd wait a couple more months, for their sake.
  • I would like to avoid taking my life while I still live with my parents. I plan to move out eventually, but it would seem cruel to inflict unnecessary trauma on my parents by killing myself around them. The logical conclusion is to wait at least 5-6 months until I have my own place.

But the thing is, 5-6 months is so fucking long. I've been trapped in this (severe) depressive episode for 4 continuous years and I've had previous depressive episodes for the majority of my life. I'm fucking done. I want out, now. I wanted out a decade ago. I'm done waiting.

But I have to keep waiting.

I'm desperate. I have no other words for it. What can I do to get by in that time?

Please. Any help you could possibly give me is desperately needed.

 

[batcountry]

I'm really sorry that you're in so much pain and have no choice but to continue enduring it for now. I feel like this is trivial advice, but back when I had to wait until I was old enough to run away, what got me through that time of just waiting was distracting myself as much as possible. I was still depressed but sometimes my mind was off it for a little while and time passed by a bit quicker. Is there anything you're interested in that might distract you from the pain?

 

[symphony]

I'm really sorry that you're in so much pain and have no choice but to continue enduring it for now. I feel like this is trivial advice, but back when I had to wait until I was old enough to run away, what got me through that time of just waiting was distracting myself as much as possible. I was still depressed but sometimes my mind was off it for a little while and time passed by a bit quicker. Is there anything you're interested in that might distract you from the pain?

Yeah. Thanks for the feedback. I'm sorry you had to go through something similar.

Distraction is my main strategy. It certainly helps somewhat but it doesn't feel like enough. All I can manage is mindless stuff like YouTube and Netflix. I guess it's better than nothing lol

 

[Loaf of bread]

Most likely also trivial advice, but it's probably a good idea to spend time doing things you find comforting/relaxing.

Sorry to hear that you're suffering.

 

[symphony]

Probably also trivial advice, but it's probably a good idea to spend time doing things you find comforting/relaxing.

Sorry to hear that you're suffering.

Yeah. Thanks for your response. Self-soothing does help a lot. And it's an easy one to forget.

 

[BigGimpin]

Damn, I have spoken just about every word in your post, but mine is going on 20 years...but the end HAS to be near, can NOT handle this pain anymore.

Just know you're not alone in your suffering...I know that doesnt help, but it must be said.

 

[symphony]

Damn, I have spoken just about every word in your post, but mine is going on 20 years...but the end HAS to be near, can NOT handle this pain anymore.

Just know you're not alone in your suffering...I know that doesnt help, but it must be said.

Oh god, 20 years... I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry.

 

[MissMySuzanne]

To escape temporarily from my ongoing emotional pain, I drink a bottle of wine four or five nights a week. Numbness starts to set in after about half a bottle; by the time I take the last sip, I'm intoxicated enough to be pain-free. I listen to mellow music while I drink, and I write my thoughts and feelings in a journal on my computer. I've found that talking to relatives, friends and therapists about my deep depression and hopelessness doesn't help a bit. Just shoulders to cry on. But the journal lets me talk to myself, and that does seem to help--probably because writing provides a venting outlet for my pent-up misery. It's like a relief valve. The journal is for my eyes only, so I feel free to write my darkest thoughts and deepest regrets and secrets. So far, in the year and a half since I started this routine, I've written well over 900 single-spaced pages, according to Microsoft Word's statistics. A lot of what I write is understandably repetitious, since the same depressive thoughts and emotions are with me every hour of every day. But that doesn't matter. The important thing is to express myself.

For me, the alcohol and music are necessary muses. Without them, I'm just not motivated to write. (On sober nights I watch movies to distract myself.) I drink wine rather than hard liquor because the morning hangover is much milder. Some people claim that alcohol makes depression worse. Maybe so for them. For me, it's literally a life saver. This trio--wine, music and journal-writing--is the only thing I look forward to. If I were a teetotaler, I wouldn't have this escape and despair would have driven me to suicide a long time ago. I feel that suicide is just a matter of time anyway, but as long as I'm healthy and have this regular escape, I can struggle on in the immediate future.

 

[symphony]

To escape temporarily from my ongoing emotional pain, I drink a bottle of wine four or five nights a week. Numbness starts to set in after about half a bottle; by the time I take the last sip, I'm intoxicated enough to be pain-free. I listen to mellow music while I drink, and I write my thoughts and feelings in a journal on my computer. I've found that talking to relatives, friends and therapists about my deep depression and hopelessness doesn't help a bit. Just shoulders to cry on. But the journal lets me talk to myself, and that does seem to help--probably because writing provides a venting outlet for my pent-up misery. It's like a relief valve. The journal is for my eyes only, so I feel free to write my darkest thoughts and deepest regrets and secrets. So far, in the year and a half since I started this routine, I've written well over 900 single-spaced pages, according to Microsoft Word's statistics. A lot of what I write is understandably repetitious, since the same depressive thoughts and emotions are with me every hour of every day. But that doesn't matter. The important thing is to express myself.

For me, the alcohol and music are necessary muses. Without them, I'm just not motivated to write. (On sober nights I watch movies to distract myself.) I drink wine rather than hard liquor because the morning hangover is much milder. Some people claim that alcohol makes depression worse. Maybe so for them. For me, it's literally a life saver. This trio--wine, music and journal-writing--is the only thing I look forward to. If I were a teetotaler, I wouldn't have this escape and despair would have driven me to suicide a long time ago. I feel that suicide is just a matter of time anyway, but as long as I'm healthy and have this regular escape, I can struggle on in the immediate future.

Thanks for your input. I'm sorry you're struggling so much too. I don't drink, but music is a big comfort and I've been meaning to try to start journaling. Maybe I'll take your advice and give it a go.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Is it physical pain or mental pain or both?

My number one distraction is surveys, I'm absolutely addicted and they can be the most mind numbing thing and can make a bit of money on it. Mostly this is a US thing though, possibly UK. Feel free to ask/pm if you're in the right location and interested.

Aside from that if you have any hobbies try not to forsake them. If you're able to you could go for walks/bike rides or exercise. You could write or listen to music or read. Or even just see about finding a friend here or something and spend time chatting/learning about them. You could help out your parents and do things around the house, or spend time with the friend you mentioned. Research things more so you're prepared. Take an online course over something. Sleep more. We could all use more sleep. Best wishes getting through so long.

 

[symphony]

Is it physical pain or mental pain or both?

My number one distraction is surveys, I'm absolutely addicted and they can be the most mind numbing thing and can make a bit of money on it. Mostly this is a US thing though, possibly UK. Feel free to ask/pm if you're in the right location and interested.

Aside from that if you have any hobbies try not to forsake them. If you're able to you could go for walks/bike rides or exercise. You could write or listen to music or read. Or even just see about finding a friend here or something and spend time chatting/learning about them. You could help out your parents and do things around the house, or spend time with the friend you mentioned. Research things more so you're prepared. Take an online course over something. Sleep more. We could all use more sleep. Best wishes getting through so long.

Mental pain. Sorry for the ambiguity, I probably should have specified.

I am in the US, maybe I'll look into surveys, sounds like a decent distraction. I have been trying to get into taking walks more. Thanks for the feedback.

 

[ClownMe]

I also want to go now, but have to hold off for my dog. It's terrible, I just try and distract myself with gaming and watching stuff on TV/YouTube, but that unfortunately only goes so far. I love my dog, but I hate life.

 

[symphony]

I also want to go now, but have to hold off for my dog. It's terrible, I just try and distract myself with gaming and watching stuff on TV/YouTube, but that unfortunately only goes so far. I love my dog, but I hate life.

Yeah... pets make it harder, don't they. I'm eaten up by guilt every day over the idea of leaving my cat.

 

[ClownMe]

Yeah... pets make it harder, don't they. I'm eaten up by guilt every day over the idea of leaving my cat.

It's tough. as I said, I love him, but I hate life even more. I can't leave him all alone because he will miss me too much when im gone, the downside of that is that I have to keep going on like this, in pain and with no joy in my life, knowing it's all temporary, which makes things even more meaningless than they already are. The only consolation is that he's on the older side now, so hopefully it won't be more than a few years that I have to keep going on.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that this life can be unbearable when you are in so much pain. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I guess a way to pass time would be to sleep as much as possible, sleep can be like a break from this life in a way. In my case, I have no choice but to suffer as I am trapped in this world as ctb is so difficult. I just try to pass the time. I do not live, but just exist. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[symphony]

I know that this life can be unbearable when you are in so much pain. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I guess a way to pass time would be to sleep as much as possible, sleep can be like a break from this life in a way. In my case, I have no choice but to suffer as I am trapped in this world as ctb is so difficult. I just try to pass the time. I do not live, but just exist. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

God, yeah. Sleep is the only escape. But even knowing that, sometimes I put it off knowing that as soon as I fall asleep, I'll have to wake up again and face another day. I'm so sorry to hear you're trapped in such pain yourself.

 

[downndone2]

I've been in this situation and have to continue suffering until 2023

 

[symphony]

I've been in this situation and have to continue suffering until 2023

Damn... that's a while. I'm so sorry. Wishing you all the best.