Venting its too much, I cant handle it

[jatty]

I just want to kill myself. i have all my pills laid out and supplies everyday and i try to everyday. But today I aborted it last hour and fell asleep again. I feel horrible.

People say "dont be ashamed, just rest"
But I am... if I dont cbt now, when??? How long do I have to deal?? I cant do it, I cant even cbt, everything's my fault and I'm suffering