Its time to talk about why Im here

[Anonymoussn]

I've been posting here for a while, maybe a month now. And I've met some really nice people. And I've spoken to lots of people over chat, and via PM. And ive learnt exactly how I can leave this planet peacefully. I guess I've not yet completely decided on whether I will follow through. I'm definitely open towards sticking it out and turning my life around - although I'd have to say I'm leaning towards CTB more. I've never really opened up to anyone about why I'm so depressed, on here or off it. And I guess I've decided its finally the time. So here goes... I had a cocaine addiction for several years. I kicked the addiction, I would say, about a year and a half ago. Although I must admit I've relapsed maybe 5 or 6 times since then. That may sound like a lot, but when you consider the fact I was doing it 2 or 3 times a week, it really isn't. Anyway, the main reason I stopped was that one night when I was doing it, I felt my nose literally drop down my face. It was just a slight thing, but was really obvious to me. Its caused me to have immense breathing difficulties, and also it's been slowly dropping further over time. Basically I can only breath through my nose when I'm sitting or lying down. Not when I'm actively doing anything - then I have to breath through my mouth. And not only that, but I look at myself in the mirror and I can see that my nose is not in the place it should be. And this makes me want to end it all every time I look at myself in the mirror. I must admit, not a single person has said anything, and I've asked a few people about it too, and nobody says they notice a difference - and they seem genuine, so I'm inclined to believe them. But I know. And I know it's getting worse. Long story short, I cant breath which is severely affecting my quality of life. And I cant look at myself without wanting to cry. Just thought I'd post this here in the event anyone has anything helpful to say.

 

[FluffyDove]

Nothing to say, but sending you love.

 

[GoBack]

This isn't unusual to happen , did you see a doctor about it, maybe there something corrective can be done.

 

[IrRegularjoe]

Stay strong. Addiction is hard to beat. But it pays off in the long run. I hope that doesn't sound generic. But it's true.

 

[Sadkitty]

I agree with @GoBack. I know doctors are costly sometimes but it seems a worthy investment to see if there is help in this situation. I know septal issues occur with cocaine abuse. It appears it isn't severe as no one has noticed but the breathing problem is troubling. You sound like you'd be a good candidate for recovery if this issue was worked out. I hope you can find a satisfactory answer.

 

[Jean Améry]

It seems you find yourself in a rather ghastly situation. No wonder you're suicidal: extreme suffering tends to do that to human-beings.

You are clearly in doubt: in that case I'd say the wisest course of actions is probably to see if there might be a way to reduce your suffering. Either you do and that'll probably tip the balance towards life or you don't in which case you can still CTB if you want.

I would seek out medical help: a lot is possible these days so there's a good chance they might be able to fix your breathing difficulties which seems the be the major reason for your misery.

The best of luck to you.