ToTheTwillight
Experienced
- May 19, 2023
- 238
Got along with me the antiemetic (meto), beta blocker (propranolol), benzo (xanax), and of course SN. Already took my first 10mg of meto and feeling somewhat nervous but also excited.
My Background Story (Abbreviated Version)
Normally I don't want a lot as most people tend to not pay attention and I keep things concise, but I figured this one can be different. Whoever wants to read a shorter abbreviated story, you can also refer to here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/the-life-that-never-materialized.119573/
My Background Story (Long Version)
I'm in my late 30's. Some say I'm talented, I did finish my bachelor's at a very respectable University, although barely because despite being smart, I also had learning disabilities, I barely scraped with grades to pass, and if it wasn't for the generosity of the director of my program, my grades probably won't suffice to be enough.
Both my parents met at one of the very best universities in the world for their PhD program, my Dad was American and my Mom was a foreigner from an up and coming first world country (prefer not to reveal), we moved back and forth before divorce at the age of 4, where I lived with my Mom in that country, until I pushed her hard so I can move to live with my Dad, who had a nice house in the States, at the age of 12. My Dad remarried when I was 8.
My Dad had achieved high accolades at school and professionally and is quite well off, at his job is where he met his second wife, who also did somewhat decent at work as well. While they are both very smart, and my father is super smart, they are not the most people savvy, in fact they are quite inept. I learned later that my dad was on the spectrum.
As far as me growing up, was always kind of different kid, had moments of doing well and poor at school in terms of grades. There was always something different about me, kind of had friends but also was picked on. But when I moved to the States, lured by the better society and nice house, they insisted for dumbass reason to go to tiny little private school which they gave me 0 voice, that's where I went, and there were rich spoiled kids who had the best of life and everyday I was solely picked on and tortured. To make matters worse, there was an incident, not my fault, where accidentally as I tried to open the door and get out without the dog who was super anxious to leave (friend of parents dog, not ours), the dog unfortunately ran out, it was fine at first but limped the next day. I would be empathetic for the dog, if it wasn't for the torture I was receiving solely at school, and the cold matter in which my father placed full blame 100% on me for the dog and not being empathetic and charged me $400, mainly by the influence of the woman he remarried. We are talking about me being 13 before the 21st century... $400 was astronomical at the time. I was somewhat suicidal beforehand but definitely at that moment when I heard the news, I cried hard and really wish I had a gun next to me to pull the trigger, I even drew pics of my grave to them, as I was furious and throwing furniture around the house in what was a long night. Next day the caretaker was there as plan, while my parents were away until the afternoon which was already originally planned anyways, before the fiasco took place. I was scheduled to get my retainer for the first time that morning, coincidentally on that day. Later they came up to me when they got back, while they insisted I wear the retainer no matter how much social suicide it is or having any awareness of empathy towards it. They told me I got to pack up some of my stuff as I needed to go somewhere, that somewhere was a mental hospital. I was basically locked there for 1 week, the entire time the subject was not about CTB, but how I must follow their shitty rules, they exploited the idea I'm locked there by making harsher and harsher rules in the house, out of extreme desperation I succumb and accepted to it, because if I didn't, that mental hospital place was gonna force me to sleep to miss out on Y2K, a story I will always remember when it hit 2000, I could've not remember it because I'd be forced to sleep, but I agree to their horid strict rules and didn't miss out on Y2K, but it's not like that was a pleasant experience either.
Of course, their rules didn't just stem from causing me severe boredom, but it was a complete social suicide, at the prey of the filthy rich spoiled kids who obviously didn't give a fuck about my circumstances. My dad and his newly wife made me a weak fish in a pond of sharks. Words can't describe how badly I wish to have fit in and have awesome social life and fun and doing all the things that young people do. Long story short, it was a year of hell, I spent many nights blowing up at my dad and his remarried wife, while they bounced me around different psychiatrists with the intent of me taking meds to shut me down and comply with them, not a great recipe when I have to go to pond of sharks. The next year they sent me to a tiny strict boarding school that basically sabotaged any hopes and dreams of living the young and youthful life of partying and meeting girls and driving. Stripped my dignity entirely.
Having nothing to do, I did focus more on school and had a moment where I got straight A's, which is what got me to the good University. I'll admit that naturally I was born with some social deficiencies, I mean my Dad is on the spectrum afterall. But all that retarded things my Dad and the woman he remarried when I was a teen, obviously hurt me a lot. During my time at the boarding school, I had this crush on this one girl, and not only she didn't like me back, but she had an affinity against me, made fun of me all the times and negative stigma towards me, was just bad luck really, in short words it was any crush worst nightmare, literally. My journey at the University, despite finishing, was really poor socially, and of course no girlfriends, I was weird and was always off, for those that knew me of course, laughed at me, and it sucked. I spent a lot of time on my own, wishing I was around people, and that didn't happen. Which has been very true until this day that I spent so much time alone, that today I just don't have the energy or mental will to deal with people anymore.
After I finished the University, spent 2 years not having a job until I got something, eventually it didn't take off as it was a small startup, but a valuable lesson for my professional career. After that, I did get a pretty good job at this company, and I was passionate about the work, I did eventually create something that was really huge in the company that everyone knew about it that I came up with it, but eventually they stole it from me, and got nearly nothing from it. I was practically abused and laughed at in the company, and there were malicious manipulations left and right. I wished to elaborate more on this, but evil rich people will come after me and I'm trying to just make my peaceful way to CTB.
Things were kind of downhill in my professional career since then, but basically no matter how talented I was, and there are more talented, my social skills were inept, they could've probably been better if it wasn't for my father and his wife retardation ways, but still a struggle. My life has been a joke, I been bounced, hustled, and manipulated all over. No girlfriends all these years, now I have to deal with overcompensating for no experience if I choose to proceed forward with relationship. I have no desire to work when I would never even make it to a managerial role, despite all my technical skillset. I really wished to CTB when I was young, but since been dumped in that hospital and boarding school, I felt paranoia of being tracked and watch as they pounced me to live, pounced me to live! But I realize I do have the freedom now to escape and I don't need to be paranoid anymore.
I think even if things were well in my life, it's unrealistic for everyone that it's just an upward smooth sailing, life always has its upside and downs, and I know that I really wanted to CTB anyways, I'm certain of my decision, I don't mind being reincarnated in this world. I don't need to have it all or be that smart, but at least no being in the spectrum, someone who can get decent life, that's good enough. At this age of mine, I know that even if I try to work really hard, there is still a matter of a lot of luck to just have an okay life, and I didn't have much luck in my life. I don't live for others and that's gonna be my finalized decision.
My Background Story (Abbreviated Version)
Normally I don't want a lot as most people tend to not pay attention and I keep things concise, but I figured this one can be different. Whoever wants to read a shorter abbreviated story, you can also refer to here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/the-life-that-never-materialized.119573/
My Background Story (Long Version)
I'm in my late 30's. Some say I'm talented, I did finish my bachelor's at a very respectable University, although barely because despite being smart, I also had learning disabilities, I barely scraped with grades to pass, and if it wasn't for the generosity of the director of my program, my grades probably won't suffice to be enough.
Both my parents met at one of the very best universities in the world for their PhD program, my Dad was American and my Mom was a foreigner from an up and coming first world country (prefer not to reveal), we moved back and forth before divorce at the age of 4, where I lived with my Mom in that country, until I pushed her hard so I can move to live with my Dad, who had a nice house in the States, at the age of 12. My Dad remarried when I was 8.
My Dad had achieved high accolades at school and professionally and is quite well off, at his job is where he met his second wife, who also did somewhat decent at work as well. While they are both very smart, and my father is super smart, they are not the most people savvy, in fact they are quite inept. I learned later that my dad was on the spectrum.
As far as me growing up, was always kind of different kid, had moments of doing well and poor at school in terms of grades. There was always something different about me, kind of had friends but also was picked on. But when I moved to the States, lured by the better society and nice house, they insisted for dumbass reason to go to tiny little private school which they gave me 0 voice, that's where I went, and there were rich spoiled kids who had the best of life and everyday I was solely picked on and tortured. To make matters worse, there was an incident, not my fault, where accidentally as I tried to open the door and get out without the dog who was super anxious to leave (friend of parents dog, not ours), the dog unfortunately ran out, it was fine at first but limped the next day. I would be empathetic for the dog, if it wasn't for the torture I was receiving solely at school, and the cold matter in which my father placed full blame 100% on me for the dog and not being empathetic and charged me $400, mainly by the influence of the woman he remarried. We are talking about me being 13 before the 21st century... $400 was astronomical at the time. I was somewhat suicidal beforehand but definitely at that moment when I heard the news, I cried hard and really wish I had a gun next to me to pull the trigger, I even drew pics of my grave to them, as I was furious and throwing furniture around the house in what was a long night. Next day the caretaker was there as plan, while my parents were away until the afternoon which was already originally planned anyways, before the fiasco took place. I was scheduled to get my retainer for the first time that morning, coincidentally on that day. Later they came up to me when they got back, while they insisted I wear the retainer no matter how much social suicide it is or having any awareness of empathy towards it. They told me I got to pack up some of my stuff as I needed to go somewhere, that somewhere was a mental hospital. I was basically locked there for 1 week, the entire time the subject was not about CTB, but how I must follow their shitty rules, they exploited the idea I'm locked there by making harsher and harsher rules in the house, out of extreme desperation I succumb and accepted to it, because if I didn't, that mental hospital place was gonna force me to sleep to miss out on Y2K, a story I will always remember when it hit 2000, I could've not remember it because I'd be forced to sleep, but I agree to their horid strict rules and didn't miss out on Y2K, but it's not like that was a pleasant experience either.
Of course, their rules didn't just stem from causing me severe boredom, but it was a complete social suicide, at the prey of the filthy rich spoiled kids who obviously didn't give a fuck about my circumstances. My dad and his newly wife made me a weak fish in a pond of sharks. Words can't describe how badly I wish to have fit in and have awesome social life and fun and doing all the things that young people do. Long story short, it was a year of hell, I spent many nights blowing up at my dad and his remarried wife, while they bounced me around different psychiatrists with the intent of me taking meds to shut me down and comply with them, not a great recipe when I have to go to pond of sharks. The next year they sent me to a tiny strict boarding school that basically sabotaged any hopes and dreams of living the young and youthful life of partying and meeting girls and driving. Stripped my dignity entirely.
Having nothing to do, I did focus more on school and had a moment where I got straight A's, which is what got me to the good University. I'll admit that naturally I was born with some social deficiencies, I mean my Dad is on the spectrum afterall. But all that retarded things my Dad and the woman he remarried when I was a teen, obviously hurt me a lot. During my time at the boarding school, I had this crush on this one girl, and not only she didn't like me back, but she had an affinity against me, made fun of me all the times and negative stigma towards me, was just bad luck really, in short words it was any crush worst nightmare, literally. My journey at the University, despite finishing, was really poor socially, and of course no girlfriends, I was weird and was always off, for those that knew me of course, laughed at me, and it sucked. I spent a lot of time on my own, wishing I was around people, and that didn't happen. Which has been very true until this day that I spent so much time alone, that today I just don't have the energy or mental will to deal with people anymore.
After I finished the University, spent 2 years not having a job until I got something, eventually it didn't take off as it was a small startup, but a valuable lesson for my professional career. After that, I did get a pretty good job at this company, and I was passionate about the work, I did eventually create something that was really huge in the company that everyone knew about it that I came up with it, but eventually they stole it from me, and got nearly nothing from it. I was practically abused and laughed at in the company, and there were malicious manipulations left and right. I wished to elaborate more on this, but evil rich people will come after me and I'm trying to just make my peaceful way to CTB.
Things were kind of downhill in my professional career since then, but basically no matter how talented I was, and there are more talented, my social skills were inept, they could've probably been better if it wasn't for my father and his wife retardation ways, but still a struggle. My life has been a joke, I been bounced, hustled, and manipulated all over. No girlfriends all these years, now I have to deal with overcompensating for no experience if I choose to proceed forward with relationship. I have no desire to work when I would never even make it to a managerial role, despite all my technical skillset. I really wished to CTB when I was young, but since been dumped in that hospital and boarding school, I felt paranoia of being tracked and watch as they pounced me to live, pounced me to live! But I realize I do have the freedom now to escape and I don't need to be paranoid anymore.
I think even if things were well in my life, it's unrealistic for everyone that it's just an upward smooth sailing, life always has its upside and downs, and I know that I really wanted to CTB anyways, I'm certain of my decision, I don't mind being reincarnated in this world. I don't need to have it all or be that smart, but at least no being in the spectrum, someone who can get decent life, that's good enough. At this age of mine, I know that even if I try to work really hard, there is still a matter of a lot of luck to just have an okay life, and I didn't have much luck in my life. I don't live for others and that's gonna be my finalized decision.
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