It's strange to remember that most people don't think about suicide all the time

[StrangePossum]

I feel like I have become obsessed with suicide. I think about it every day, I read about it online, I watch videos about it, I imagine how I'm going to do it and how people I know might react. For some reason it makes me feel oddly excited and happy to think about, in a way that nothing else does. It's almost unbelievable to me that most people supposedly don't think about it regularly...then again, a few years ago I would have thought that it would be crazy to think about suicide every day. It just feels so natural to me now, I can't imagine not thinking about it. I feel like if I told anyone else about this they would say I'm crazy lol. At least it's better than being depressed in bed all the time?

 

[its-about-time]

I think of it as a coping mechanism, really, what you're describing. I do the same. Fantasizing about an escape that's better than what we have here. Lots of people do that, they just fantasize about different escapes like winning the lottery or moving to a tropical beach or whatever. Our escape is just death.

I totally get forgetting how not normal it is to society. I spend a lot of time alone and when I interact with friends I have to really watch what I say and sometimes slip anyways… death/killing myself is a very normal and easy thought, but not the case for other people to hear lol.

 

[Crazy4u]

I find it strange too but i wish them well. Feeling suicidal sucks. I think about suicide in good and bad times. I don't believe one can fully recover from it

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I feel like I have become obsessed with suicide. I think about it every day, I read about it online, I watch videos about it, I imagine how I'm going to do it and how people I know might react. For some reason it makes me feel oddly excited and happy to think about, in a way that nothing else does. It's almost unbelievable to me that most people supposedly don't think about it regularly...then again, a few years ago I would have thought that it would be crazy to think about suicide every day. It just feels so natural to me now, I can't imagine not thinking about it. I feel like if I told anyone else about this they would say I'm crazy lol. At least it's better than being depressed in bed all the time?

You're right, it quickly becomes normalized internally. My desire to die evolved like a fking pokemon once I realized it was possible to do it peacefully, as if I was holding it in by threads and it was waiting to explode.

 

[Hurt]

I think about suicide all the time. Since I wake up. I think is a normal responde to my current situation. It sucks but this is reality.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Lots of people do that, they just fantasize about different escapes like winning the lottery or moving to a tropical beach or whatever. Our escape is just death.

It becomes easier to wrap my head around it when it is explained from this perspective. They all come under the umbrella category of "escape" thoughts and death is just the ultimate, final escape. Lottery must be a big optimist's version.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not understand how people can not be suicidal, we live in such a depressing world after all. How could anyone want to live in a world where there is so much suffering, those who want to live must be delusional. Even if things are going okay for someone now, that can quickly change as life is very unfair. I have never wanted to live and I am always thinking about suicide. It is normal for me and dying is what makes sense for me as it would prevent potentially decades of suffering.

 

[Eternal Oblivion]

I think about it a few times a day, but I try not to. I wish my health was fine so I could not think about it at all but... meh. I really enjoy spending time here in this website though, the discutions are so open and free of hipocrisy, really refreshing.

 

[Ligottian]

I was obsessed with suicide long before I became suicidal. One could speculate my suicidal ideation was in some sort of embryonic stage.

 

[Lullaby]

I've dealt with these thoughts for so long, they've just become apart of my daily life. Even when I'm not feeling suicidal, I'll make a joke about doing it if I'm slightly annoyed at something. If I ever get to a better place, I still think they'll be around.

Personally, I feel like it's a totally nightmare to have these thoughts 24/7. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

[sharky]

I also think about it every day, all day. It somehow makes me feel even more like I don't belong here. I think once it becomes a regular daily thought, it's official. Feels weird because I don't know anyone that feels the same.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Once you realize this is an option it devours you and there is no turning back. It really sucks and it brings you down

 

[NoPersonality]

It's like a drug that you can't stop taking. I like to trick myself and say that it'll all be okay, but I know it likely never will be.

 

[AstroV]

Yeah. It's really a comfort for a lot of people including me. At any time I can just simply leave. Pretty powerful when you think about how fragile life is.

 

[Razor67]

Think about it everyday. Doing more research on CBT you could almost call it my hobby. I just want the most "peaceful" way. N I feel is that way.. wish I had some now so no stressing everyday that their will some other disaster happening that will delay N

 

[Forever Sleep]

Can completely relate to this. I think as soon as you've seriously contemplated suicide, it never really goes away as an option and the worse things get, the more logical, normal and tempting that option becomes.

I tried to learn to drive a few years back. I was dreadful- useless at reading the road and reading what other drivers were going to do. I just kind of assumed any car in sight was likely to drive straight for us. My instructor was like- most people don't have a death wish and it's one of those moments that make you think- oh yeah, I guess that's not normal...

 

[Intelligent_Panic99]

I don't really think if it as being obsessed with suicide but more like living life preparing to die. I spend so much time on this site because it's the only place where there are people that think like me and I think it's natural to gravitate and want to be around people like you. My planning took a lot of thought and effort and now that it is all planned I don't feel as "obsessed" just aware most of my waking moments that I am almost done.

 

[outrider567]

Can completely relate to this. I think as soon as you've seriously contemplated suicide, it never really goes away as an option and the worse things get, the more logical, normal and tempting that option becomes.

I tried to learn to drive a few years back. I was dreadful- useless at reading the road and reading what other drivers were going to do. I just kind of assumed any car in sight was likely to drive straight for us. My instructor was like- most people don't have a death wish and it's one of those moments that make you think- oh yeah, I guess that's not normal...

Logical and tempting indeed--After my girlfriend died, half of me died also, I almost immediately then got on the internet searching for Suicide Methods, ordered Final Exit and PPH books and taking it from there--Months later, my Depression is still absolute, for each day I wake up and she's still not here of course. Each day I struggle to comprehend the reality of her death, and I'll continue to struggle with what's left of my life until I finally decide I can't take it anymore and then go ahead and breathe in the Nitrogen, and end it for good

 

[Forever Sleep]

Logical and tempting indeed--After my girlfriend died, half of me died also, I almost immediately then got on the internet searching for Suicide Methods, ordered Final Exit and PPH books and taking it from there--Months later, my Depression is still absolute, for each day I wake up and she's still not here of course. Each day I struggle to comprehend the reality of her death, and I'll continue to struggle with what's left of my life until I finally decide I can't take it anymore and then go ahead and breathe in the Nitrogen, and end it for good

I'm so sorry for your loss Outrider. Death as a thing- whatever the cause and whatever the age is devastating. Especially when it is someone so close to you. I haven't lost a partner but my Mum died when I was 3. I don't think I have ever gotten over it. I think a part of me doesn't want to get over it. I realise that it isn't quite the same, as I didn't get the chance to form the memories that you do when you share your life with someone but you're right- a part of you goes with them when they go. Other relatives that passed when I was older left further holes.

My Nana loved poetry- it was her daughter that we lost. I don't want to make you feel worse but this paraphrasing of a poem I thought was so true:

It broke my heart to love you,
You did not die alone,
For part of me went with you
The day God called you home.

I wish you all the best Outrider. I hope that you have people around you that support you.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I think about it all the time. Since I come to the conclusion that it is what I need to do, it's just my new normal.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I think about it all of the time too. It gets amplified when I see my triggers. Like, idk why I am on this board. I should just CTB already. Nothing even tethers me to this life.