It's Still Not Going Away

[KafkaF]

With break-ups one of the number one things people say is "give it time."

Well, we broke up in the middle of October 2023. it is now the middle of March 2024. It has been over 5 months since it happened and I still essentially feel the same way.

It's true, I am not longer crying or almost crying in bed every day all day. I get out of bed and do things at my PC. I can even sometimes enjoy a video game or write a little. But that's about it.

I think about her all the time still, every day. There are times when I miss her so much and so powerfully that it feels like my only options are to turn back time or die. Because I cannot live with that amount of missing her. Even when I'm not actively thinking about her, I feel empty. A hollowness inside of me that won't go away, no matter what I'm doing or thinking. It's there all the time. Because she's not here.

I still feel the same way about her as I did before. I still love her more than anyone else. When I think about her my heart still breaks and I still long for her. I still feel like no woman will ever compare even slightly to her. And I still don't think I can ever be happy again without her.

I've talked to other women in the meanwhile. There's even one I like. But I can't see me actually dating anyone else or loving anyone else except for her. Everyone else just seems like a band aid on a gaping wound.

It's not going away. It hurts all the time. I still feel like she was the best thing that ever happened to me and I've never loved someone so much. I can't handle it. I want to die.

Time isn't helping anymore. Nothing helps. I don't want to live without her.

 

[SexyIncél]

Can you tell us about it? Why do you love her in particular? What was it about her?

 

[KafkaF]

Can you tell us about it? Why do you love her in particular? What was it about her?

I think it's a bad idea for me to describe at length.

The point is, she was everything I wanted in a woman, I love her very much, we fit together and she made me incredibly happy.

I remember on the last night we were together I just lay there looking her in the eyes at one point and I felt so much love it was overwhelming.

 

[escape_from_hell]

Depending on your connection, the loss is true grief and not just losing your feel-good drug source to be temporarily and agitatedly without while you shop for a new fix.
It has been two years for me and it is growing more painful, to the point of literally developing chronic physical pain. Isolation and being an old man and introvert does not help matters. Hardly cried before. Average one to two hours daily for two years. I cannot hold it back even in public anymore. Just a bumbling old loser with tears streaming down my face as those at the grocery avoid like the plague, probably thinking 'eww what a fucking freaky creep' lol.
I too try to move on. But it seems to be making it worse. Tried many things. Moving. Going back to school. Lifestyle changes. Eastern philosophy platitudes.
The factor working against me is just reaching a point in life where rebuilding is not a possibility. Too old. Other failed relationships on my journey that let me know how much investment is needed to even see if it is a fit. My cope is just hoping it will magically repair itself, she will reach out (I have exhausted those attempts).
That your crying has reduced over time is a positive sign. That you have enough social prowess to even hold a conversation with other women at all is a positive sign. Truly inescapable grief is a strong reason to seek refuge in CTB. But if you are young and not in chronic pain, maybe give the copes a little longer? It sounds like you may have some social support which could really give you a boost.

 

[SexyIncél]

The point is, she was everything I wanted in a woman, I love her very much, we fit together and she made me incredibly happy.

I remember on the last night we were together I just lay there looking her in the eyes at one point and I felt so much love it was overwhelming.

Is it possible to reframe your perspective? For example, to make it no longer about getting The Best Woman? But rather, taking care of a gal (or gals)?

This would be a refocus — away from getting pleasure, to enjoying the pleasure you instill in others

When you looked into her eyes, you adored her:

Now it may sound strange, but most people — men and women — most people actually want to be adorers. Most people don't think they do, but they actually do. And this is because most people are looking for that feeling. They want to find their person to feel excited about a relationship. To be in love. To feel lucky to be there. Most people want to feel these things in a relationship. But these emotions are not shared in the same degree between the two roles. These emotions are mostly felt by the adorer. Why? Because the adorer — and only the adorer — gets to be with the one they love. The adored, on the other hand, gets to be loved by the one they're with. It's not nearly as emotionally compelling of an experience. So if you want the emotional dimension of love in a relationship, you're really looking to be the adorer.

Being the adorer — rather than the adored — can be a perilous situation for a guy to be in. A danger for relationships

 

[KafkaF]

Depending on your connection, the loss is true grief and not just losing your feel-good drug source to be temporarily and agitatedly without while you shop for a new fix.
It has been two years for me and it is growing more painful, to the point of literally developing chronic physical pain. Isolation and being an old man and introvert does not help matters. Hardly cried before. Average one to two hours daily for two years. I cannot hold it back even in public anymore. Just a bumbling old loser with tears streaming down my face as those at the grocery avoid like the plague, probably thinking 'eww what a fucking freaky creep' lol.
I too try to move on. But it seems to be making it worse. Tried many things. Moving. Going back to school. Lifestyle changes. Eastern philosophy platitudes.
The factor working against me is just reaching a point in life where rebuilding is not a possibility. Too old. Other failed relationships on my journey that let me know how much investment is needed to even see if it is a fit. My cope is just hoping it will magically repair itself, she will reach out (I have exhausted those attempts).
That your crying has reduced over time is a positive sign. That you have enough social prowess to even hold a conversation with other women at all is a positive sign. Truly inescapable grief is a strong reason to seek refuge in CTB. But if you are young and not in chronic pain, maybe give the copes a little longer? It sounds like you may have some social support which could really give you a boost.

If you knew me you'd know that the word "social prowess" should never be applied to me, lol. And I don't have much social support.

I'm also not that young. But at any rate, it hurts too much to continue to live. If I wasn't so scared of dying I'd be dead already.