woofwag
Bad dog
- Sep 17, 2025
- 227
Posting a lot today because I'm stupid and evil and somehow manage to fuck up a whole website with my dumb spam but I can't stop this whirlwind inside of me. Bad dog. Bad dog. Bad dog.
So! My therapist of three years dropped me today. Said that my "expressed symptoms of worsening suicidality and self injury are not being managed effectively at your current level of care with me." And that she "won't be willing to continue seeing you without an acceptance on your part to pause and attend IOP." I managed to be so mentally ill even my therapist can't handle me anymore. And she's been the only therapist actually effective in any meaningful way in helping me in the past, oh, lifetime of trying to heal? So now I'm just sitting here crying because 3/4 of my system is still gone, like I somehow managed to scare away people in my own brain with my spirals, I've disappointed my professors in failing to follow through on the club I said I wanted to make, accidentally ghosted so many people I truly love with my avoidance, disappointed and failed myself in so many ways, and the one person I came back to my hellhole of a hometown for is going through too much to see me and I fucked it up by being upset with them because they canceled our hangout 15 minutes before I saw them and I was already on my way there, but it's not their fault they're doing bad and they said that "you know i wouldn't do this lightly," and yes, I do know, but also do I? Is it just a way to get out of seeing me because actually I'm no good and horrible to be around? That maybe everyone is secretly conspiring to leave me? The one person I never doubt will leave me is bestie. We just have that bond, and somehow I've managed to not fuck anything up with him. Or maybe I have and he doesn't care. Idk. Idk anymore!! What even am I!!!!!!! What. the fuck. I don't understand how perfectly I manage to hurt EVERYONE in my life! Because even if I'm not hurting bestie now, I know I eventually will when I ctb. What else am I even supposed to do? I can't afford IOP. I can't afford inpatient. I have student loans. Other medical shit that costs a bazillion dollars. If I were to even begin to manage living, I'd have to get a job, possibly multiple jobs, which means I also wouldn't have time for IOP. And honestly.... maybe this was a good thing. I was trying to have my therapist assist me in talking to the alters who've been whisked away from me for the past year and a half, but it really does squander that last modicum of hope I had. I fucked it all up. Just as I always do. And if she doesn't believe in me that I can stop being this way, that the one person who consistently said me being suicidal didn't scare her and that she could help me wants to shuffle me off to some other institution which will be completely useless and I know this because I've done IOP before, then no one can.
I'll die eventually no matter what I do, and eventually the people who mourn me will die, and the people who mourn them will die, and the sun will explode and space will be just as soundless as it was before we all existed. Is that an evil way to comfort myself? To know that it will all be put to ruin someday, just as I already am? I don't know. But I don't have any other path through this jungle of intrusive and destructive thoughts anymore. I'm just waiting at the bus stop, glancing at my watch with each passing second because it's about 22 years late to pick me up.
So! My therapist of three years dropped me today. Said that my "expressed symptoms of worsening suicidality and self injury are not being managed effectively at your current level of care with me." And that she "won't be willing to continue seeing you without an acceptance on your part to pause and attend IOP." I managed to be so mentally ill even my therapist can't handle me anymore. And she's been the only therapist actually effective in any meaningful way in helping me in the past, oh, lifetime of trying to heal? So now I'm just sitting here crying because 3/4 of my system is still gone, like I somehow managed to scare away people in my own brain with my spirals, I've disappointed my professors in failing to follow through on the club I said I wanted to make, accidentally ghosted so many people I truly love with my avoidance, disappointed and failed myself in so many ways, and the one person I came back to my hellhole of a hometown for is going through too much to see me and I fucked it up by being upset with them because they canceled our hangout 15 minutes before I saw them and I was already on my way there, but it's not their fault they're doing bad and they said that "you know i wouldn't do this lightly," and yes, I do know, but also do I? Is it just a way to get out of seeing me because actually I'm no good and horrible to be around? That maybe everyone is secretly conspiring to leave me? The one person I never doubt will leave me is bestie. We just have that bond, and somehow I've managed to not fuck anything up with him. Or maybe I have and he doesn't care. Idk. Idk anymore!! What even am I!!!!!!! What. the fuck. I don't understand how perfectly I manage to hurt EVERYONE in my life! Because even if I'm not hurting bestie now, I know I eventually will when I ctb. What else am I even supposed to do? I can't afford IOP. I can't afford inpatient. I have student loans. Other medical shit that costs a bazillion dollars. If I were to even begin to manage living, I'd have to get a job, possibly multiple jobs, which means I also wouldn't have time for IOP. And honestly.... maybe this was a good thing. I was trying to have my therapist assist me in talking to the alters who've been whisked away from me for the past year and a half, but it really does squander that last modicum of hope I had. I fucked it all up. Just as I always do. And if she doesn't believe in me that I can stop being this way, that the one person who consistently said me being suicidal didn't scare her and that she could help me wants to shuffle me off to some other institution which will be completely useless and I know this because I've done IOP before, then no one can.
I'll die eventually no matter what I do, and eventually the people who mourn me will die, and the people who mourn them will die, and the sun will explode and space will be just as soundless as it was before we all existed. Is that an evil way to comfort myself? To know that it will all be put to ruin someday, just as I already am? I don't know. But I don't have any other path through this jungle of intrusive and destructive thoughts anymore. I'm just waiting at the bus stop, glancing at my watch with each passing second because it's about 22 years late to pick me up.
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