It's official. I am just as abusive as my mother and people pleasing like my father. Theres no getting better. This is it. Ciao

[Water-Lily]

The apple certainly doesn't fall far from the tree

I say and do things to get a reaction. I am filled with so much shame and pain and trauma (that I am not healing) and choose to do things to get a rise out of people

And when I get what I want, I regret it. Because deep down I know it's wrong. I know I'm wrong. I'm tired of fucking up. Tired of saying shit and being a bad person. Tired of people holding me accountable and me having to apologize.

So, I'm gonna distance myself. That way no one holds me accountable and tells me I'm wrong. No one will be hurt by me. It is what it is

I always wanted to work on myself so I don't repeat generational curses. But after 7 years of therapy and 3ish years on meds, I havent' gotten any better

If anything, I've gotten a whole lot fucking worse

I'm also gonna lose my friends because they're openly liberal and I've taken it upon myself to realize, though my education, that I am not as liberal as I say I am. And I've been opening up to and seeing myself agree with some conservative views. Two of my best friends are very anti conservative so I know that friendship will go down the drain. I've taken it upon myself to distance from them to, since I know they'll reject my change

Overall, I think I'm accepting that I will never change. I will never fully heal. In some way, I will be like my abusers and have their behaviors. I'm tired of having to catch myself after I fuck up and hurt people. So, no one has to worry anymore. The best thing I can do for people is stop showing up. Stop being around them. Stop existing.

I hate myself too much to keep trying. I'm just an abuse monster who will make the world better if I stop existing

Now I should note I don't plan to CTB anytime soon. Because if I am gonna commit suicide, I owe it to everyone around me to do it right. And if I attempt now, it will likely be a failed attempt that will leave me in immense pain I can't imagine upon survival

So, until I get to a place where I'm "confident" I might attempt

But I think the type of suicide I'll attempt isn't actually physical suicide. But emotional

I will become void of being. I will not get too close to people. Because if they get close to me they'll get hurt

Some people aren't meant to heal from trauma and abuse. Since healing usually requires you fucking up social interactions and occasionally being an asshole and people having to call you out and hold you accountable

And I'm done

If anything I feel like Princess Azula

She's so broken, she's beyond redemption. Maybe I'm like that. Maybe I've done too much damage and pain, maybe I require too much to get better. I want everyone to give up on me, please

I suck

 

[Zaphkiel]

Hol'up.
Dont give up on yourself nor on your friends.
If they are firends, they can understand that you have different point of view. just dont pound on them when confronting them. That's what exciting when we discuss, if everyone agree, there is no discussion.
Same boat as you in a way, 6 year marriage down the drain, realized i'm a toxic fuck. So i can just tell that i'm still devastated, i'm still suicidal, but if there is ever a day when i'll get a chance to be with someone in life...well...lesson learned...I hope... (we all know that our deep selves like coming back without warnings)

but eh. there are bazillion assholes thinking they are great.
Now those are lost cause.

Maybe you're fubar. But you're not a lost cause. If you're realising things like how your friendship can go sour, you can prevent that before it happens. And it's a real glimmer of hope. Salvage what you can. And try to see what's up from here on out.

 

[puella]

I'm so sorry you were abused. I'm sorry for all the pain you've felt and trauma that's hurting you.

That is not your fault. You care about people, so much so you'd be willing to isolate yourself in fear of hurting them.

You are not a monster. Sometimes it's nearly impossible to control our emotions and thoughts, and it can also be very difficult to control our actions. This is all very human.

You still deserve compassion. You deserve compassion at your best, your worse, when you feel like you need to give up, and even in death.

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm so sorry you were abused. I'm sorry for all the pain you've felt and trauma that's hurting you.

That is not your fault. You care about people, so much so you'd be willing to isolate yourself in fear of hurting them.

You are not a monster. Sometimes it's nearly impossible to control our emotions and thoughts, and it can also be very difficult to control our actions. This is all very human.

You still deserve compassion. You deserve compassion at your best, your worse, when you feel like you need to give up, and even in death.

I feel those closest to me have a lot to gain with my death. No more dealing with a mentally unstable person who no matter how much therapy they go to, they get worse. Its so hard dealing with my crap, so I'm gonna make it easy and less burdensome for the people around me

 

[puella]

I feel those closest to me have a lot to gain with my death. No more dealing with a mentally unstable person who no matter how much therapy they go to, they get worse. Its so hard dealing with my crap, so I'm gonna make it easy and less burdensome for the people around me

A common symptom of depression is to feel like a burden on loved ones or the world. I experience this constantly.

Sometimes it's okay to let someone help you. If they love you enough to take care of you, even when you're feeling bad, that's something special.

The people who care about you don't want to see you pass away.

 

[Water-Lily]

A common symptom of depression is to feel like a burden on loved ones or the world. I experience this constantly.

Sometimes it's okay to let someone help you. If they love you enough to take care of you, even when you're feeling bad, that's something special.

The people who care about you don't want to see you pass away.

I feel like if I died, I wouldn't be around to hurt people

 

[lack]

im so sorry, i have so many things i want to say.. but i'll just say that i hope you dont feel entirely alone because there are others who feel a similar way to how youre feeling. i can't say (and i wish sometimes i could) that there is absolutely for certain no hope; because .. that just can't be true. i believe in you, a total stranger, in the same way i believe in myself. we're capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. especially when we can acknowledge how we've faulted in the same ways our parents do. that's a massive realization and can be as helpful as it is crushing and difficult. i promise you can break that chain, though i know a promise from a stranger (who is also struggling with their mental wellbeing) is not very strong or meaningful much of the time. though, i digress, as i never meant to begin to harp on about survival or behavior change or ancestral trauma, haha..!!
more than anything, i just want to try to help you feel heard and understood. i've recently been told from my closest loved one that they "don't disagree that life would be easier if i was not around", and that hurt me deeply though it was what i suspected to be the truth. to hear that slip out of their lips was so surprisingly shocking,.. hah!
sorry for the bit of a rant,..
but .. please know, .. there are many of us struggling in such a similar way. i don't have either of my parents around*, but i feel daily their ill influence on my mind and subsequently all the choices i make every fucking second of every fucking day. i resent them as much as i love them, and it poisons me.
can we escape?
personally, i ,.. cling to the idea for some reason, that we can.
however, still, i will always support and agree with your right to choose an end however you see fit. i just hope you feel alright in the end, whatever it may entail.



*edit here to mention that my parents arent around cos one of them has been dead for a while, and the other is mentally insane and doesn't basically exist on this plane of reality anymore, hah! just think that's important since it wasn't entirely my choice to not have them around, even though they hurt me.. it feels like not having them in my life at all has made me realize just how capable i am of change, .. for some reason. they're not here, im me. i swear, i am me. not them. me.
just like you are you. i swear. i promise. you're something new, and you're not them. please trust me. you are not your parents.

 

[Water-Lily]

im so sorry, i have so many things i want to say.. but i'll just say that i hope you dont feel entirely alone because there are others who feel a similar way to how youre feeling. i can't say (and i wish sometimes i could) that there is absolutely for certain no hope; because .. that just can't be true. i believe in you, a total stranger, in the same way i believe in myself. we're capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. especially when we can acknowledge how we've faulted in the same ways our parents do. that's a massive realization and can be as helpful as it is crushing and difficult. i promise you can break that chain, though i know a promise from a stranger (who is also struggling with their mental wellbeing) is not very strong or meaningful much of the time. though, i digress, as i never meant to begin to harp on about survival or behavior change or ancestral trauma, haha..!!
more than anything, i just want to try to help you feel heard and understood. i've recently been told from my closest loved one that they "don't disagree that life would be easier if i was not around", and that hurt me deeply though it was what i suspected to be the truth. to hear that slip out of their lips was so surprisingly shocking,.. hah!
sorry for the bit of a rant,..
but .. please know, .. there are many of us struggling in such a similar way. i don't have either of my parents around*, but i feel daily their ill influence on my mind and subsequently all the choices i make every fucking second of every fucking day. i resent them as much as i love them, and it poisons me.
can we escape?
personally, i ,.. cling to the idea for some reason, that we can.
however, still, i will always support and agree with your right to choose an end however you see fit. i just hope you feel alright in the end, whatever it may entail.



*edit here to mention that my parents arent around cos one of them has been dead for a while, and the other is mentally insane and doesn't basically exist on this plane of reality anymore, hah! just think that's important since it wasn't entirely my choice to not have them around, even though they hurt me.. it feels like not having them in my life at all has made me realize just how capable i am of change, .. for some reason. they're not here, im me. i swear, i am me. not them. me.
just like you are you. i swear. i promise. you're something new, and you're not them. please trust me. you are not your parents.

Its weird when you both love and hate your parents, especially when they were your first abuser

 

[lack]

Its weird when you both love and hate your parents, especially when they were your first abuser

it's incredibly surreal.
initial abuse and care. first confusion and disappointment.

i always imagined my parents faces will be the absolutely last thing i think about before i die.
everything i am is because of the choices they made. i wish they understood that.

im sorry we feel this way. i wish the part of us that understands this could have been more prevalent in the parents we had.

 

[Water-Lily]

it's incredibly surreal.
initial abuse and care. first confusion and disappointment.

i always imagined my parents faces will be the absolutely last thing i think about before i die.
everything i am is because of the choices they made. i wish they understood that.

im sorry we feel this way. i wish the part of us that understands this could have been more prevalent in the parents we had.

for sure. reminds me of a story I read about a persons abusive parents. How her mom was emotionally enmeshed and treated her like a replacement spouse than a daughter, both emotionally and physically. Her mother would also beat her and verbally abuse her daily. She then started to disappear and come back home randomly till she committed suicide

Tbh, it does break my heart. Her mother bestowed upon her serious emotional trauma yet, to commit suicide, likely was in some type of pain

 

[lack]

for sure. reminds me of a story I read about a persons abusive parents. How her mom was emotionally enmeshed and treated her like a replacement spouse than a daughter, both emotionally and physically. Her mother would also beat her and verbally abuse her daily. She then started to disappear and come back home randomly till she committed suicide

Tbh, it does break my heart. Her mother bestowed upon her serious emotional trauma yet, to commit suicide, likely was in some type of pain

that absolutely is heartbreaking. even just hearing of that also tugs at my heart. the depths of our ability to feel, are the same as our ability to hurt. it's incredible to me and overwhelms me daily. i have so much love and sympathy for every one of us. we're all children to someone, we all were let down. it's an ever repeating pattern.

i want to believe we're capable of something else. i just need to believe it. or i'll collapse and cease to exist right now, haha.. ah..
that depth of pain, .. it has to carve away the space for love and acceptance,,.. i dont know. i'm just so sorry for all of us children. every hurt person on this planet. there's so many of us. at some point , something needs to be different, even if it's not you or i because we're maybe too weak (i assume this only purely because we're both here on this forum, as a result of some kind of acceptance that we're maybe willing to say we've had enough)..
i can only believe in that we'll either fitgire it out, or hopefully the demise of us all means it ends for good and there won't be any more of this.
i have no idea why we're so "intellectual" as well as sentient if we seem to do so little with it